[Critique Group 2] Finally! my comments for October critique session!

[Alice Massa]

Dear Leonard, Abbie, Brad, and Val,

Each time I have planned to type my braille notes, something has come 
up.I hope that I will be able to send these comments about our October 
critique session to you prior to our meeting this evening, at which time 
you will know one of the major reasons for my delay.My sincere apologies 
for such a lengthy delay!

More soon--Alice

1.Valerie's poem "Love Notes" provides us with another superb example of 
her ability to put so much thought and feeling into so few lines of poetry.

"I walk along grief's shoreline" is my favorite line of the poem.Thus, I 
suggest changing the title of this poem from the generic "Love Notes" to 
"Grief's Shoreline" or to "Heart Tide," my favorite phrase of the poem.

Consider changing "and" to "while" in the following:

And the minstrel stays in shadow.

Place a comma after the following:

pebbles under foot,

You are on such a beautiful roll with this poetic theme that I hope you 
are planning a collection of these short, but lovely poems.

2.Abbie's short story "Adventure" is one of this prolific author's 
finest short stories.

While, in some ways, I like the one-word, simple title, in other ways, I 
wish it were more descriptive and emblematic of the story to come.

At times, you may want to consider changing present participles to the 
past tense.Two examples are:

crashing/crashed into the adjacent woods

giving/gave no thought to the remnants

Consider changing the comma to a semicolon in:

Snowflake's fur,

Move the following present participial phrase to the beginning to have 
the phrase nearer the noun which it modifies:

Fearing the humans would come after him,

Avoid the cliche "babbling brook."Simply write "brook" or use another 
adjective to describe the brook.

Abbie's short story has a good example of product placement for 
Subway--more common in contemporary writing.

Most of all, I was touched by the scene wherein the visually impaired 
woman relies on the sighted man for "sighted guiding" although they have 
obviously just had a disagreement.They must make contact by touch even 
though they might otherwise not do so.Of course, blind and visually 
impaired readers would have a much greater and deeper appreciation of 
this scene; nevertheless, the scene is a strong point of the piece.

Shortly after our meeting in October, another coyote caused a problem in 
a nearby neighborhood as has occurred periodically in the last two 
years.Like others, I suggest changing the fox to a coyote.

3.Leonard's poem "Just Do It" is a challenging read that does stimulate 
thought.

"Motes of motion" is a superb alliterative phrase which demonstrates 
again Leonard's good use of vocabulary.

Maintain parallel structure by changing "awaiting" to "awaits" in:

reaches and awaiting

Consider capitalizing the initial letter of each of the following words:

Great Mother

Change "whose" to "her" in:

whose eyes revealed

Having "beguiling discovery" end one stanza while the next stanza 
initiates with "Albert Einstein" marks a spot of good craft.

Change comma to period after the word "Holocaust."

Around the phrase "Pandora's Box," the poem has four fragments.You may 
consider revising this section to avoid fragments.

Consider changing "It is passion, devotion, and love that fill" to 
"Passion, devotion, and love fill ...."

Thanks for an intriguing poem, Leonard.

4. Brad's "The Promise of the Guardian" has a strong title to well match 
the strength of this poem.

Place a colon after:

birds around her flew:

Place a dash after the word "sparks."

Place a comma after:

crystal blue caressed the land,

Delete the comma after "morphed."

Alliteration with the "hard g" sound is well done.

Place a comma after the introductory prepositional phrase:

At forever plains,

The above is a great phrase.

Place a semicolon after:

legacy remains;

Although the couplet form today may be used more in either youthful or 
playful poetry, Brad made the couplet more mature-sounding--more 
serious--in this poem with its "antique" flair.

Hurray!I finally finished these comments to mail to you before we meet 
in a couple of hours!

Thanks for your patience--Alice

November 29, 2016, Tuesday



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