[Critique Group 2] Finally! My comments for all four of you!

[Alice Massa]

To Critique Group Two:

Very belatedly, I am sending to our fine group my comments on the pieces 
which each of you shared at the first meeting of Leonard's Critique 
Group 2.I will present the four sets of comments in reverse alphabetical 
order.The following are taken from my hard-copy braille notes for our 
July 26 meeting.

1.Valerie:In her poem "Little Light," Valerie achieves historical detail 
intertwined with a writer's caress of her subject.

Due to Val's method of creating documents, a couple of apostrophes were 
missed, such as "homeowners' garage."

Unless one is dealing with parenthetical citations in MLA Style, the 
period is always placed prior to the closing quotation mark:"metallic 
burial case."

I suggest flipping around the lines:"... intact, untouched by 
time/flowing blond curls framed her sweet, peaceful face."

Change the comma after "mystery" to a colon.

Change comma to period after "strands of her hair."

Consider ending with the next-to-the-last line which is more 
powerful:"may your story be known someday."

Through her poem, Val makes her readers care about this little baby:Val 
handles this subject as carefully as she would hold a newborn.

Val--Thanks for bringing this story to our attention by means of your 
memorable poem!

2.Leonard:"Still Strong Enough" is a good title for this warm and tender 
didactic poem.

Whenever possible, avoid "it" without a clear antecedent to achieve a 
stronger and clearer sentence:"Though it has been so many months..."

In the phrase "not been there since a child," consider using the word 
"here" rather than "there."

In the line "There is wisdom and heart to be taken ...," change the verb 
to the plural form "are" to agree with the plural subject.

I appreciate having the opportunity to read this poem which so aptly and 
creatively compares the grandfather with the wharf.What an innovative 
way to examine the aging process through both the eyes of the poet and 
the granddaughter!

3.Brad:Of course, what I assumed was a purposeful lack of punctuation in 
"Summer, Mount Sinai Harbor" was actually an issue with Brad's computer 
program.

Most likely, "barefoot sole" should be changed to "barefoot soul."(Note 
spelling of "soul.")

Delete the comma in the phrase "revving motors spew...."

"White foam strokes the shore" is a great line from the poem.

Change "lay down" to "lie down."

Describing the towel as an "Op Art towel" is a particularly descriptive 
choice.

Deleting the comma in the phrase "gratitude ascending" adds to the 
strength of this powerful line.

What a strong and interesting snapshot of summer!

4.Abbie:The short story "Reunited" seems more like a vignette that is 
heavily weighted with dialogue.Could another genre be considered?

In the sentence "So, during my sophomore year, I switched from drama to 
art," the comma after "art" should be a semicolon.

Delete comma between "paint" and "Either":"but I couldn't paint either."

Review punctuation of compound sentences to avoid run-on sentences and 
to consider inserting some semicolons.

I find your short stories like "Flowerboy" to be much more appealing 
than this type of short story, but realize that you may want to stretch 
your creativity.

Thanks to all again for sharing your creative spirit and writings!What a 
grand debut for our Critique Group #2!

Looking forward to our next session on September 21!

Alice

ajm321kh at wi.rr.com

August 20, 2016, Saturday night

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