[Critique Group 1] Marcia's March notes

[Marcia Wick]

Sally

Winter's Finale

 

Nice reference to tired coats and pulling on pilled woolen mittens, 

 

Reorder words:  face fickle March's icy wind

Try:  face March's fickle icy wind

 

Delete space before apostrophe:  as we leave the supermarket 's warmth.

Try:  as we leave the supermarket's warmth.

 

Nice use of sense of smell:  Only the scent of brave hyacinths

from an in-store flower stall

reminds me of hope and spring.

 

 

Leonard

Walking with Nature

 

Reword:  The weather I walk in is bitterly chilly, 

falling in various forms of wetness. 

The weather isn't falling.

Try:  The weather I walk in is bitterly chilly, 

Wetness falling in various forms. 

 

Punctuation-comma instead of period:  

Sometimes it splatters with rain, sleet and snow. 

Then veers into clinging frigid fog 

that penetrates deep into my being.

Try:  Sometimes it splatters with rain, sleet and snow,

then veers into clinging frigid fog 

that penetrates deep into my being.

 

Reword:  Sometimes it splatters with rain, sleet and snow. 

Consider:  Sometimes rain, sleet, or snow splatters. 

 

Nice line:  shoulders hunched to preserve the precious warmth. 

 

I somehow feel protected contentment, 

Consider:  I somehow feel contentment protected, 

 

Reword:  as though those qualities swaddle me 

Consider:  as though the weather swaddles me 

Or

As though the cold swaddles me

 

Nice finish:  in a lover's passionate embrace, 

whispering, "You are one with Mother Earth."

 

Nit-picking.the embrace isn't whispering.

Try:  in a lover's passionate embrace.

She whispers, "You are one with Mother Earth."

 

 

Cleora

The Caregiver

 

Avoid "starts to":  My driver starts to call off street names.

Try:  My driver calls out street names.

 

Punctuation:  Bonk, bonk, no internet connection, says my phone.

Try:  "Bonk, bonk. No internet connection," says my phone.

 

Redundant:  I realize I've lost the internet. That's why GPS stopped giving
directions. I stuck the thing back in my purse. "I've lost the internet," I
said, "That's why it stopped giving us directions."

 

"started":  SIRI started talking and we started out.

Try:  SIRI responded and we followed her directions.

 

A little paranoid.grant some grace:  I think she dropped it deliberately,
but why? The evidence was mounting. First, she drops her card to see if I
will find it and be able to identify it. I wish now I had pitched it in the
trash, or at least not told the office I found it. Today she told me she
knew I had to be able to see because she used to know a blind person and she
used braille for everything, and I could only do the things I do if I had
vision. I think she was alluding to my being able to identify her card. I
didn't bother to tell her how I did it.

 

Delete "went ahead":  I went ahead and told them about finding Donna's card.

Try:  I told them about finding Donna's card.

 

Kind of a rant, lots of redundancy, repeated words-perhaps give it
context-uncertainty caused by revolving door of caregivers, recent attempted
break-in etc.

 

 

Deanna

At Your Service

 

Hyphenate:  a cafeteria style venue

Try:  a cafeteria-style venue

 

Avoid "it" 2X, use Oxford comma:  I settled my guide dog beneath it, clipped
her leash to one of its legs and placed my bags between her front paws.

Try:  I settled my guide dog beneath the table, clipped her leash to one of
its legs, and placed my bags between her front paws.

 

Improper semicolon:  When we had made our selections and were trying to
decide how to carry two trays back to our seats; the bus boy stepped up and
bowed, offered me an elbow, "At your service Miss," he quipped.

Try:  We made our selections and were trying to decide how to carry two
trays back to our seats when the bus boy stepped up and bowed, offered me an
elbow, and quipped, "At your service, Miss." 

 

Delete "with":  helping with the Missouri Council of the Blind present their
views on two pending pieces of legislation.

Try:  helping the Missouri Council of the Blind present their views on two
pending pieces of legislation.

 

Pronoun and comma:  I helped my roommate, a woman five years older than I
get up,

Ttry:  I helped my roommate, a woman five years older than me, get up,

 

Word choice "assigned":  She was given two state senators

Try:  She was assigned two state senators

 

Simplify:  Since these indicated to me that these might be up narrow steep
metal staircases to mezzanines built in large high-ceilinged rooms, I
offered her a trade for some of my list to reduce her list to five visits
and adding two more to my list.

Try:  Since the numbers indicated that these offices might be upstairs and
require climbing narrow steep metal staircases, I offered to trade her for
some names on my list and reduce her load.

 

Simplify:  She agreed, but when she was ready to leave, she changed her mind
and asked if I could do them all.

Try:  She agreed, but ultimately she asked if I could call on them all.

 

simplify:  I was trying to touch type the address of my hotel into the
proper field in my phone to summon an Uber car.

Try:  I was attempting to type the address of my hotel into the Uber app to
summon a car.

 

Delete first comma:  When he heard, I was trying to setup a ride to the
capital,

Try:  When he heard I was trying to setup a ride to the capital,

 

simplify:  he offered to take me and my dog with the two blind people he was
driving there.

Try:  he offered to drive me and my dog there along with two other blind
people.

 

Again:  Since he needed to find a place on the street to park his extended
cab pickup truck. He dropped me in what he thought was the back entrance
where I could have taken an elevator to the offices level.

Try:  Since he needed to park on the street with his extended cab pickup
truck, he dropped me at a back entrance where he thought I could access an
elevator to the offices.

 

Avoid "got" 2X:  We got separated when we got tangled up in a large
gathering

Try:  We were separated when we got tangled up with a large gathering

 

Nice conclusion-better without final sentence:  

When I was young, I hated having people assume that that sweet little blind
girl needed someone to take care of her. Now that I am transformed into that
sweet little blind grandma, I am grateful when generous minded people go out
of their way to offer help. As for Karen, the directionally challenged
legislative assistant, she remembered me from previous visits to the capital
to meet with my senator. 

 

Try:  When I was young, I hated when people assumed that a sweet little
blind girl needed someone to take care of her. Now that I am transformed
into a sweet little blind grandma, I am grateful when generous-minded people
go out of their way to offer help. 

 

 

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