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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Sally<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Winter’s Finale<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Nice reference to tired coats and pulling on pilled woolen mittens, <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reorder words: face fickle March’s icy wind<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: face March’s fickle icy wind<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete space before apostrophe: as we leave the supermarket ‘s warmth.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: as we leave the supermarket’s warmth.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Nice use of sense of smell: Only the scent of brave hyacinths<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>from an in-store flower stall<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>reminds me of hope and spring.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Walking with Nature<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Reword: The weather I walk in is bitterly chilly, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>falling in various forms of wetness. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>The weather isn’t falling…<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Try: The weather I walk in is bitterly chilly, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Wetness falling in various forms. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Punctuation-comma instead of period: <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Sometimes it splatters with rain, sleet and snow. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Then veers into clinging frigid fog <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>that penetrates deep into my being.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Try: Sometimes it splatters with rain, sleet and snow,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>then veers into clinging frigid fog <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>that penetrates deep into my being.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Reword: Sometimes it splatters with rain, sleet and snow. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Consider: Sometimes rain, sleet, or snow splatters. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Nice line: shoulders hunched to preserve the precious warmth. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>I somehow feel protected contentment, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Consider: I somehow feel contentment protected, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Reword: as though those qualities swaddle me <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Consider: as though the weather swaddles me <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Or<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>As though the cold swaddles me<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Nice finish: in a lover’s passionate embrace, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>whispering, “You are one with Mother Earth.”<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Nit-picking…the embrace isn’t whispering…<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Try: in a lover’s passionate embrace.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>She whispers, “You are one with Mother Earth.”<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'> </span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>The Caregiver<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Avoid “starts to”: My driver starts to call off street names.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: My driver calls out street names.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Punctuation: Bonk, bonk, no internet connection, says my phone.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: “Bonk, bonk. No internet connection,” says my phone.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Redundant: I realize I’ve lost the internet. That’s why GPS stopped giving directions. I stuck the thing back in my purse. “I've lost the internet,” I said, “That's why it stopped giving us directions.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“started”: SIRI started talking and we started out.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: SIRI responded and we followed her directions.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>A little paranoid…grant some grace: I think she dropped it deliberately, but why? The evidence was mounting. First, she drops her card to see if I will find it and be able to identify it. I wish now I had pitched it in the trash, or at least not told the office I found it. Today she told me she knew I had to be able to see because she used to know a blind person and she used braille for everything, and I could only do the things I do if I had vision. I think she was alluding to my being able to identify her card. I didn't bother to tell her how I did it.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “went ahead”: I went ahead and told them about finding Donna's card.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: I told them about finding Donna's card.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Kind of a rant, lots of redundancy, repeated words-perhaps give it context-uncertainty caused by revolving door of caregivers, recent attempted break-in etc.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>At Your Service<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Hyphenate: a cafeteria style venue<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: a cafeteria-style venue<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Avoid “it” 2X, use Oxford comma: I settled my guide dog beneath it, clipped her leash to one of its legs and placed my bags between her front paws.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: I settled my guide dog beneath the table, clipped her leash to one of its legs, and placed my bags between her front paws.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Improper semicolon: When we had made our selections and were trying to decide how to carry two trays back to our seats; the bus boy stepped up and bowed, offered me an elbow, “At your service Miss,” he quipped.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: We made our selections and were trying to decide how to carry two trays back to our seats when the bus boy stepped up and bowed, offered me an elbow, and quipped, “At your service, Miss.” <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “with”: helping with the Missouri Council of the Blind present their views on two pending pieces of legislation.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: helping the Missouri Council of the Blind present their views on two pending pieces of legislation.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Pronoun and comma: I helped my roommate, a woman five years older than I get up,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Ttry: I helped my roommate, a woman five years older than me, get up,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Word choice “assigned”: She was given two state senators<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: She was assigned two state senators<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Simplify: Since these indicated to me that these might be up narrow steep metal staircases to mezzanines built in large high-ceilinged rooms, I offered her a trade for some of my list to reduce her list to five visits and adding two more to my list.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Since the numbers indicated that these offices might be upstairs and require climbing narrow steep metal staircases, I offered to trade her for some names on my list and reduce her load.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Simplify: She agreed, but when she was ready to leave, she changed her mind and asked if I could do them all.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: She agreed, but ultimately she asked if I could call on them all.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>simplify: I was trying to touch type the address of my hotel into the proper field in my phone to summon an Uber car.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: I was attempting to type the address of my hotel into the Uber app to summon a car.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete first comma: When he heard, I was trying to setup a ride to the capital,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: When he heard I was trying to setup a ride to the capital,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>simplify: he offered to take me and my dog with the two blind people he was driving there.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: he offered to drive me and my dog there along with two other blind people.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Again: Since he needed to find a place on the street to park his extended cab pickup truck. He dropped me in what he thought was the back entrance where I could have taken an elevator to the offices level.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Since he needed to park on the street with his extended cab pickup truck, he dropped me at a back entrance where he thought I could access an elevator to the offices.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Avoid “got” 2X: We got separated when we got tangled up in a large gathering<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: We were separated when we got tangled up with a large gathering<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Nice conclusion-better without final sentence: <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>When I was young, I hated having people assume that that sweet little blind girl needed someone to take care of her. Now that I am transformed into that sweet little blind grandma, I am grateful when generous minded people go out of their way to offer help. As for Karen, the directionally challenged legislative assistant, she remembered me from previous visits to the capital to meet with my senator. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: When I was young, I hated when people assumed that a sweet little blind girl needed someone to take care of her. Now that I am transformed into a sweet little blind grandma, I am grateful when generous-minded people go out of their way to offer help. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>