[Critique Group 1] Leonard's comments on Martia,s sub

[Leonard Tuchyner]

Very enlightening

. Claudia is quite bull headed. 

Given to long pouts 

and indulging in pity parties  

even in the face of opposing aarguments. 

That was well done. Maybe overdone. 

She’s acting like a school girl with a  tghwarted crush. 

The piece proceeds in  an orderly and  well defined direction. 

All in all, this chapter seems really good. 

 

 

Martia sub for Feb

 

 

The commotion on shore settled soon after thestarting gun sounded. Spectators worked their way to the pavilion for warmthand refreshments. The contestants were quickly absorbed in the business of icefishing. It would be hours before the atmosphere heated up again.

 

 

Claudia secured the lens cap onto her cameraand packed her gear into her backpack. She wouldn’t be required to report onthe contest until closer to its conclusion. She strapped on her cross countryskis and ventured onto the now-familiar trail that circled Doe Lake. She longedfor some solitude away from the revelers and noisy snowmobiles.

 

The winners wouldn’t be announced until afterthree o’clock. She could complete the 10-mile loop before then. Claudia soonhit her stride, but her mind lingered behind like a faded love song long afterthe record needle was lifted at the end of an album. She wondered if Hank wasshivering, sitting alone in his shanty. Or was Veronica keeping him warm.

 

I don’t care either way, Claudia tried to tellherself. She wouldn’t let another man play her for a fool, or trust thefriendship of a woman who was obsessed with men. The scent of Veronica’sperfume on Hank’s collar had jolted Claudia out of her fantasy.  Shewasn’t a naïve school girl anymore.

 

Even though Claudia had confided her affectionfor Officer Braun to her presumed friend, Ronnie had gone ahead and hooked upwith Hank behind Claudia’s back. Why had Claudia been surprised? Afterreturning from New York, Veronica had telephoned Claudia at home and work, butClaudia had refused to take her calls or call her back.

 

Good riddance, she was thinking when ademanding voice intruded on her reverie.

 

“Claudia, Claudia—wait up.”

 

Claudia at first thought she was imagining thefirst time Veronica had called out her name on the frigid Doe Lake trail New Year’sDay morning. She shook off the memory and picked up her pace. She wasdetermined to get Ronnie and Hank out of her head.

 

“Claudia, please wait up.”

 

This time, Claudia stopped and looked over hershoulder to convince herself that Veronica wasn’t following her. But, there shewas—full-figured in her fitted stretch pants and matching jacket—the picture ofeverything Claudia wasn’t.

 

“Not today, Veronica,” Claudia moaned. “Can’tyou take a hint? I don’t want anything to do with you…or hank.”

 

Claudia pushed off at a sprint, hoping toleave Veronica behind in a flurry of snow, but of course Veronica couldout-pace her. In 10 strides, Ronnie managed to cut Claudia off, forcing her toan abrupt stop. Off-balance, Claudia crumpled to the ground, reduced like achild to indulge in a tantrum.

 

“Why can’t you leave me alone? Give me abreak. You can have Hank if you want him. I don’t want anything to do witheither one of you.” Claudia thumped her gloved fist on the snow.

 

“Claudia, I don’t know what you’re talkingabout. I’m not interested in Hank, other than as a cop. Give me a chance toexplain.”

 

“What’s to explain?” Claudia cried. I know youwere with him before you went on your business trip. Your exotic perfume gaveyou away.”

 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”Veronica reached to help Claudia stand, but Claudia yanked her arm away andRonnie fell on top of her friend.

 

“Get off me,” screamed Claudia. “I don’t needyour help to stand. In fact, I can’t stand to be near you.”

 

Veronica lay splayed atop Claudia, their skistangled like pick-up sticks in the powder.

 

“Damn it, Claudia. Don’t be so stubborn,”Veronica fought for control. “Let me explain. You’re gonna feel like a foolwhen I do.”

 

“I’m no fool, Veronica. Maybe I mistook you fora friend at first, but I won’t be fooled a second time.” Claudia managed to getfree. She unsnapped her ski bindings and struggled to her feet. Hands on hips,she glared at Veronica and kicked snow into her pretty face.

 

“Take that!”

 

Veronica was ready. She saw the kick comingand grabbed Claudia’s ankle mid-

Air. Claudia collapsed in a heap and Veronicasoon pinned her like a varsity wrestler would.

 

“Now, now you listen to me, Claudia Krump. Idon’t know where you got the idea I would cut into your time with Hank. Yeah,the guy’s attractive but he’s not my type.”

 

Claudia tried to wriggle free but onlysucceeded in digging a deeper hole in the snow.

 

“Then tell me. Why would Hank have your richscent all over him when he came over for lunch the day you left town?” Claudiaspit snow off her chapped lips.

 

“If you’d stop fighting me, I’ll tell you.”Veronica tightened her grip. “We did meet for coffee that morning—not becauseit was a date. He’s a cop, remember? I asked him to investigate something forme.”

 

“Like investigate your finer features?”Claudia stiffened in apparent compliance. “Could you let me up now?”

 

“If you promise to listen,” Veronica said. Shewiped melting snow from her face and scowled at Claudia. “Someone is threateningme, and I asked Hank to investigate.”

 

Veronica sat Indian-style on the cold trailbeside Claudia and continued.

 

“First, someone left a threatening note on mydesk at work. Another note was left in my mailbox at home. The creep eventracked me down in New York City. I was counting on Hank to figure out who isstalking me.”

 

“Veronica, that’s awful,” Claudia said. “Whatkind of threats? Who would do that to you?”

 

“That’s what I’d like to know,” Veronica hungher head. “I’ve got a couple of ideas—I hoped Hank could poke around while Iwas out of town and put the scare into someone so it would stop.”

 

“And did he?” Claudia asked.

 

“Hank might be good looking but he’s not sucha top-notch detective. Looks like I’ll have to trap the bastard myself.”

 

Claudia offered Veronica an arm, and theyhelped each other stand.

 

“Hank didn’t say anything to me about workingfor you when I accused him of—you know.”

 

“I told him to keep it to himself. In a smalltown like Doe Lake, word gets out.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me yourself, Veronica?Friends don’t keep secrets, you know.”

 

“Actually, Claudia, I was going to shareanother confidence with you when we were having lunch at Millwood, remember?But that’s when a second threatening note landed on my desk and I hustled youout so I could call Hank for advice.”

 

“Now I remember…What were you going to tell methat day? I’m not sure how much more I can take.”

 

“Let’s start skiing and I’ll explain. Thissummer, I’m planning to leave Doe Lake…”

 

Veronica and Claudia matched stride whileVeronica revealed her intention to move to Vermont and finish her book when hertrust funds were released on her birthday. On the one hand, Claudia wasdelighted to learn that Ronnie was determined to complete her novel and, onceand for all, escape the limelight of her mother. On the other hand…

 

Veronica interrupted Claudia’s pity-party.“You understand Claudia, I don’t want anyone in Doe Lake to know my plans. Theymight figure out who I am, and then life would be impossible for me aroundhere.”

 

“I get it,” said Claudia, “but what about me?I’m gonna be stuck in Doe Lake forever, alone and miserable. And just when Ithought I’d found a real friend.”

 

“But you have, Claudia. In fact, I’ll prove toyou what a good friend I am.”

 

As the women continued to cut tracks throughthe sparkling snow, Veronica divulged her idea for Claudia to apply for thevacant job at Millwood, and pursue her dream for a romantic relationship withOfficer Braun.

 

“You and Hank will fall in love and getmarried. You’ll have two cats in the yard and two kids in the back seat of yourcar,” Veronica teased. “But seriously, there’s one thing standing in the way ofmy plan, and that’s Hamilton, the ‘Hawk.’ You remember meeting her at the openhouse?” Veronica looked at Claudia’s face for recognition.

 

“The bitch with the beak-like nose?” Claudialifted her eyebrows.

 

“That’s the one. She wants a promotion that’scoming up to manage the Marketing Department, but I know the big wigs want tooffer the job to me. I figure I’ll take the promotion just to stick it toHamilton even though I’m leaving town. That way, you can step into thehigher-paying job when I’m gone--check and checkmate.”

 

“What makes you think I can do your job at Millwood?Or that Hank will fall in love with me?”

 

“Why wouldn’t he? And why couldn’t you?”

 

“Because you’re Veronica Barringer and I’mClaudia Krump,” said Claudia. “Our names spell it out. You’re a beauty queenand I’m a plain Jane. You’re Archie’s Veronica and I’m your side-kick bumblingBetty.”

 

Veronica came to a sharp stop. “I can’tbelieve my ears,” she said, patting the sides of her head. “You’re not a plainJane or bumbling Betty from the comic book. Why, you’re Claudia Krump, theintrepid small town newspaper reporter, the woman who is going to lead Doe Lakeinto the 20th century. Have confidence in yourself.”

 

“Okay, coach,” grumbled Claudia. “But I’m notconvinced my future is as rosy as you seem to think.”

 

# # #

 

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Leonard I. Tuchyner, Author
 
https://www.dldbooks.com/tuchyner/

 
  
 
 

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