[Critique Group 1] Marcia's September comments

[Marcia Wick]

Deanna

A Trip Downtown

 

Title:  A Trip Downtown

Try:  You're Hired

 

Is the purpose O&M instruction or inspiration?

 

Insert "dog" can't assume reader knows:  Sarah lifted the harness from the
knob of the hall closet door. 

Try:  Sarah lifted the dog harness from the knob of the hall closet door. 

 

Reword:  Lamia paused at the top step of the porch and when Sarah murmured
forward, they stepped lightly down the stairs together to the sidewalk. 

Try:  Lamia paused at the top step of the porch and waited until Sarah
murmured, "Forward." Together, they stepped lightly down the stairs to the
sidewalk. 

 

simplify:  They moved briskly down the block swinging smoothly around the
Johnson's garbage can, the Williams's mailbox where it jutted into their
path and Tommy Anderson's tricycle left in the middle of the sidewalk.

Try:  They moved briskly down the block, swinging smoothly around the
Johnson's garbage can, avoiding the Williams's mailbox that jutted into
their path, and stepping around Tommy Anderson's tricycle left in the middle
of the sidewalk.

 

Reword:  Sarah only knew that with Lamia beside her, she could move freely
without the frustration of catching a cane on gratings and cracks in the
sidewalk or the risk of the cane passing beneath that jutting mailbox and
allowing it to hit her shoulder or breast.  

Try:  Sarah only knew she could move freely with Lamia beside her, unlike
the frustration of traveling with a cane that would catch on gratings and
cracks in the sidewalk, or pass beneath that jutting mailbox risking it
hitting her shoulder or breast.  

 

Verb tenses:  Sarah reached to stroke a satiny ear, listened for the start
up of parallel traffic and gestured forward. 

Try:  Sarah reached to stroke a satiny ear and gestured Lamia "forward "
when the parallel traffic started up. 

 

Reword delete first sentence (obvious):  The two began to cross the
intersection.  Three steps into the street, Lamia slid to a stop, backed
several steps and a car whizzed around the corner without stopping. 

Try:  Three steps into the intersection, Lamia slid to a stop and  backed
away from a car that whizzed around the corner without stopping. 

 

Would she stop?:  Sarah bent to hug Lamia before they continued across the
street. 

 

Swerved?:  Four blocks later, Lamia swerved to show Sarah that they had
reached the bus stop shelter. 

Try:  Four blocks later, Lamia swerved and led Sarah to the bus stop
shelter. 

 

Misplaced comma:  Sarah, said "Good girl."

Try:  Sarah said, "Good girl."

 

Delete "needed" more active:  After leaving the bus at the downtown
terminal, Sarah needed to walk

Try:  After leaving the bus at the downtown terminal, Sarah walked. 

 

Reword:  As she moved along the sidewalk Lamia stopped to allow a delivery
van to back out of a driveway.  

Try:  As they moved along the sidewalk, Lamia stopped to avoid a delivery
van backing out of a driveway.  

 

A lot going on:  She mentally confirmed her location by noting when they
crossed the railroad tracks, the bakery on the corner of an intersection and
the sound of the large open area of a parking lot just before the solid
presence of the office building she was seeking.    

Try:  Relying on her orientation and mobility skills, she confirmed her
location by noting the railroad track crossing, the aroma of the corner
bakery, the open feeling of a parking lot, and the proximity of the office
building she was seeking.    

 

Simplify:  Sarah remembered that there was a restroom off the lobby from her
trips to see her dentist.  His office was on the fifth floor at the end of
the hall to the right as you left the elevator.  Since the suite of offices
she wanted to find was a lower number, she guessed it would be to the left
if the layout was the same on each floor. 

Try:  Sarah was anxious to freshen up before her job interview. From earlier
trips to the building to visit her dentist's office on the fifth floor, she
assumed the restrooms on the ground floor were also off the lobby to the
left. 

 

Comma, not period:  Sarah hung her briefcase by its shoulder strap on the
hook inside the door.  Patted Lamia for her cleverness and closed the door
of the stall. 

Try:  Sarah hung her briefcase by its shoulder strap on the hook inside the
door, Patted Lamia for her cleverness, and closed the door of the stall. 

 

Simplify:  After leaving the stall, Lamia moved over guiding Sarah to the
sink, when Sarah asked her to find it. 

Try:  After leaving the stall, Lamia guided Sarah to the sink. 

 

Unclear:  Sarah filled a folding bowl from the tap washed her hands.

Try:  Sarah filled a folding bowl from the tap to water her dog while she
washed her hands.

 

Punctuation:  If it weren't for Lamia, she would be a nervous wreck by now.
Clanking into things as she made her way down the block, anxiously straining
to be sure it was safe to cross streets.  Then having to search for doors,
grope each space between elevator doors for the elusive call button.
Trailing walls to find the restroom.  Having to fumble around the restroom
to locate the sink, stall and trash can, all would have taken there toll. 

Try:  If it weren't for Lamia, she would be a nervous wreck by now.  Her dog
guide kept her from clanking into obstacles, helped her to cross streets
safely, find doors and elevators, locate the elusive call button, access and
navigate the restroom.  

 

Leonard

Dogs in Water

 

Need introductory sentence:  I've had a lot of canine companions over the
years.

 

Insert space after period:  .swum than walked .This became clear.

 

Would have or did?:  Her fur was so long and  buoyant  that if she stopped
dead in the  water she still would have floated, with her head sitting
perfectly comfortably looking at us.

Try:  Her fur was so long and  buoyant  that when she stopped dead in the
water she still floated, with her head sitting perfectly comfortable out of
water looking at us.

 

Simplify:  I recall a time that I was  fishing for catfish on the banks of
the lake,

Try:  I recall fishing for catfish on the banks of the lake,

 

Strong verb:  I got him out of the water

Try:  I hoisted (flung) him out of the water

 

Don't repeat "only":  So, I kicked it the third time,  only on this occasion
I was rewarded by the spine penetrating my sneaker.

Try:  So, after kicking it a third time,  I was rewarded by the spine
penetrating my sneaker.

 

Reword for tension:  But I was fired up, and I was prepared to kick it once
again, when April, who had been quietly observing me  from the top of the
bank, decided  to help me out.

Try:  I was fired up, prepared to kick it once again, when April, quietly
observing from the top of the bank, went into action.

 

Blank lines between dogs

 

Reword:  Another dog that lived with me prior to that time was Aric,

Try:  Another dog that lived with me prior to April was Aric,

 

Reword:  I guess he thought that if something was out there, it must have
been thrown by someone.

Try:  I guess he thought that if something was floating out there, it must
be for him to fetch.

 

Delete commas:  My dog, Pepper, was not fond of the water.

Try:  My dog Pepper was not fond of the water.

 

Dangling:  We were invited to spend the weekend at a cabin in the woods by a
couple we knew.

Try:  We were invited by a couple we knew to spend the weekend at a cabin in
the woods.

 

Reword "I remember" and "back" and "float":  Back at the lake, I remember we
went to get a floating dock back that had floated off in a rain storm.

Try:  Back at the lake, we needed to retrieve a floating dock that had
drifted off during a rain storm.

 

Delete comma:  found the dock on the other side of the lake, in an alcove.

Try:  found the dock on the other side of the lake in an alcove.

 

Redundant:  they are as varied as humans are, as is the case with all
relationships  everywhere.

Try:  they are as varied as humans.

 

Knowingly?:  He had never been knowingly that deep in  the drink.

 

Overall wordy

so

 

 

Cleora

The Right Choice

 

Long for an op ed

 

Insert comma:  After almost 50 years the Supreme Court

Try:  After almost 50 years, the Supreme Court

 

50%

50 percent

 

Reword:  one side is against abortion for moral reasons and the other
insists on the right to do whatever they want.

Try:  one side believes abortion is morally wrong and the other insists on
the right to choose.

 

Moral - What is right, person's standards of behavior, goodness or badness
of human character

 

What is "normal"?:  The cost of such a baby can be up to 13 times that of a
normal child.

 

Simple abstinence is the most successful method for preventing pregnancy,
but clearly the right to choose doesn't include this option.

Access to contraceptives resulted in lower abortion rate

 

Dispute:  For all couples, there are a variety of birth control methods
available that can be used for both those of low income and those with
religious concerns.

Hobby Lobby doesn't provide access to contraceptives for employees for
religious reasons

 

society must exercise the choice to prevent further expense.

Expense of childbirth and lifelong welfare is greater than cost for abortion

 

without creating a Burdon for society

abortion prevents burden on society

 

which procedure?:  If they refuse, then the procedure is denied.

Which procedure? Sterilization or abortion?

 

It is time we started using our right to choose to make responsible rather
than selfish decisions.

Abortion isn't selfish

 

Eugenics:  This becomes even more of a desirable action if the couple has
produced a child that may have a disability.

 

Punctuation:  Some may consider this harsh, however, remember, the people
had the choice to deal with the issue in their own way, and chose to make it
a problem of society.

Try:  Some may consider this harsh. However, remember the people had the
choice to deal with the issue in their own way, and chose to make it a
problem of society.

 

Moral argument proposed at beginning but most of your arguments relate to
the cost, not concern for life of the unborn

 

 

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