[Critique Group 1] Marcia's June comments

[Marcia Wick]

Leonard

Lazy Day

 

Tense changes from past to present:  As Sun rises and temperature  climbs,

wind fails to fill the vessel's sails.

Try:  As the Sun rose and the temperature  climbed,

wind failed to fill the vessel's sails.

 

Love it!:  Sails are slack yet time moves forward. 

Time has all the time it ever needs, 

and I have untold time to reach my home.

 

 

Cleora

Chapter Six

 

Avoid "it":  But, how was she going to do it?

Try:  But, how was she going to help the last name on her list?

 

Delete "continued to":  Misty continued to stare at Ginger in bewilderment
for a few seconds,

Try:  Misty stared at Ginger in bewilderment for a few seconds,

 

Needs explanation:  looked at the last name. She gasped. It was Connie
Parker.

Try:  looked again at the last name. She gasped. The name that had been
blotted out slowly reappeared. It was Connie Parker.

 

Delete "up":  She looked up at Ginger. 

Try:  She looked at Ginger. 

 

Spelling faery - also isn't finger thing Misty's?"  With that, the faery put
her finger beside her nose and flipped, and Misty found herself standing
just outside the kitchen door. 

 

Period or semicolon:  "Misty will come home eventually, I'm more concerned
about the fight they had.

Try:  "Misty will come home eventually. I'm more concerned about the fight
they had.

 

Need only opening and closing quotation mark:  "Dear Francene,

"I overheard Mom on the phone.

Try:  "Dear Francene, I overheard Mom on the phone. Mom and Dad don't want
us anymore."

 

Insert period:  I think they are old enough to have something to say about
this"

Try:  I think they are old enough to have something to say about this."

 

Comma, not period:  she looked up and smiled at John. then spoke to the
phone.

Try:  she looked up and smiled at John, then spoke to the phone.

 

 

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