[Critique Group 1] July Critiques 2022

[Deanna Noriega]

Sally

Recovery

I liked it. The only thing I could suggest is that it is too short. I think
you could add another verse to bring things to a start toward back to
health.  That might make it fit the title better. You could change the title
to recovering if you believe the poem is finished as is. Your economy of
words is one of your talents.

 

Leonard,

Violin,

There is a space after several words before punctuation. I will list the
words or phrases you should check to remove such spaces:

craftsman in the first sentence,

Come together,

 

vitality entered,

Voice,

Creation,

 

The two letter Y's should be written Y-y-yes if you intend this as a
stutter.

Delete the words (then quickly)

 

Marcia

The Fatalists

Controversial, but well reasoned. Adding personal experience and using
elements to demonstrate the sense of helplessness in modern life. You did an
excellent presentation of both the double standard and the lack of concern
for children living in poverty and the demand they be born even when doing
so condemns both the children and the women who are forced to bear them. 

 

Cleora,

Chapter 7

You refer to Ginger as a faery, and a nymph. My understanding is that nymphs
are full-sized humanoid creatures associated with woodlands, springs or
bodies of water. Pixies, fairies, leprechauns and brownies are small magical
folk. 

And presents underneath, try with presents underneath.

John opened his mouth, (revise by cutting some of the verbiage here,) but
closed it without saying anything.

To see her father, (head down) should be head-down. Slump shouldered, should
be slump-shouldered.

There is room here to use the grandmother to help the family understand that
it is in their best interest to work-out their problems together. It is
likely she wants the best for her daughter and her children. Misty and
Connie need to realize that their mother having her own dreams isn't a
rejection of them. John needs to understand that his wife fears being left
caring for an empty home and that if his wife does finish her education,
gets a job, it will benefit the family financially. Working with his wife to
achieve her dreams doesn't mean he is losing anything, but could build a
stronger relationship with his wife and daughters. Each one of the family
needs to view their problems not as a personal tragedy, but a shared
challenge.

 

 

DeAnna Quietwater Noriega

Cell: 573-544-3511

Email:  <mailto:dqnoriega at gmail.com> dqnoriega at gmail.com

Author of Fifty Years of Walking with Friends

https://www.dldbooks.com/dqnoriega/

 

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