[Critique Group 1] Marcia's belated notes

[Marcia Wick]

My apologies. Apparently, I failed to send out my notes from December and
January. I am sending what I have saved.

 

Deanna January A Dream:

 

"living" implied:  my parents moved away from our people living on the
Isabella Reservation in Michigan. 

Try:  my parents moved away from our people on the Isabella Reservation in
Michigan. 

 

Spelling:  with all of the imperfections inherit in that state. 

Try:  with all of the imperfections inherent in that state. 

 

Cleora December Misty Christmas:

 

Cute setup

 

Need blank lines between dialogue

 

Redundant:  She didn't know what time it was, but it had to be late. Dusk
was settling over the forest.

Try:  She didn't know what time it was, but dusk was settling over the
forest.

 

Forest 2X:  She had walked deep into the forest after the fight with her
sister.

Try:  She had walked deep into the woods after the fight with her sister.

 

Punctuation:  Finally, her anger cooled, she had turned around. Thought she
had turned around anyway, and started back the way she came.

Try:  Finally, her anger cooled, she had turned around, thought she had
turned around anyway, and started back the way she came.

 

Use name:  ... She felt something land on her shoulder.

Try:  ... Misty felt something land on her shoulder.

 

"something" 2X:  Feeling something again,

Try:  Feeling a light touch again,

 

"something" and socket:  Something long and slender hovered just above her
arm socket.

Try:  A long and slender figure hovered just above her shoulder.

 

"it" more descriptive:  It moved away when she moved toward it. She grabbed
at it.

Try:  The image moved away when she moved toward it. She grabbed at thin
air.

 

Reword:  A little man or woman

Try:  A little figure

 

Too many commas:  The, whatever, whoever, it was fluttered up slightly.

Try:  The whatever, whoever, fluttered up slightly.

 

Typo:  I'm here to get your help."

Try:  I'm here to get your help."

 

? understanding:  You're not my first contact.

 

Cleora January Winds of Wrath

 

Clear and concise

Well-organized

 

Insert blank line, paragraph break:  Taylor Anderson is A gun maker

 

Insert "Author":  Author Taylor Anderson is A gun maker

 

Use pronoun, avoid "had been":  Taylor has been a technical and dialog
consultant for

Try:  He is a technical and dialog consultant for

 

Insert comma:  He is also a member of the National Historical Honor Society
and the United States field artillery association which awarded him the
honorable order of St. Barbara.

Try:  He is also a member of the National Historical Honor Society, and the
United States field artillery association which awarded him the honorable
order of St. Barbara.

 

Use proper name:  He has skillfully used his knowledge

Try:  Taylor has skillfully used his knowledge

 

Change tense:  The series began in June

Try:  The series begins in June

 

Comma inside quote:  "Into the Storm",

Try:  "Into the Storm,"

 

Reword:  The series began in June, 2008 with "Into the Storm", and concludes
with book 15 "Winds of Wrath," released in June, 2020.

Try:  The 15-book series begins with "Into the Storn" released in June 2008,
and concludes with "Winds of Wrath" released in June 2020.

 

Confusing:  If you haven't read the first fourteen, it is now safe to do so.
The adventure is done, so no worries about it not being completed.

 

Move up:  The series chronicles the adventures

 

Too long, break up, best words at end:  In the Caribbean, the Allies
marshall their "modern" warships--including Captain Reddy's Walker, the
captured super-dreadnought Savoie, and even newly built vessels from the
Union, Empire and Republic--against a mighty armada of League battleships
for a climactic duel of fire and flashes.

Try:  In the Caribbean, the Allies marshall their "modern" warships against
a mighty armada of League battleships for a climactic duel of fire and
flashes.

 

Redundant:  Taylor Anderson has concluded the series with a spectacular
ending that, I am sure, will be satisfying to all those who have stuck it
out to the end.

Try:  Taylor Anderson has concluded the series with a spectacular battle
that, I am sure, will be satisfying to all those who have stuck it out to
the end.

 

Sally January Time Travel:

 

Title?

Retired Passport

 

Replace "had":  it had in bygone days

Try:  it survived in bygone days

 

Love the layered visual at start

Love the sentiment

 

Leonard December Saying Goodbye

 

Powerful

 

? understanding:  What is not the same about today,

not to wish you all a tres bon jour?

 

Leonard January The Long Bike Challenge:

 

Repeat slope:  as I accept the sloping challenge --

Body working the lower slopes --

 

Try:  as I accept the rising challenge --

Body working the lower slopes --

 

Intensify, short gasps:  Striving with every pumping stroke,

Try:  Striving, pumping, Stroking

Pushing, grinding

 

Stronger?:  Suddenly the rise increases

Try:  Sharply, the rise increases

The rise increases sharply

 

When I begin:  When I begin to mount the summit 

Try:  As I begin to mount the summit 

 

Sweat not sweltering:  drenched in sweltering, dripping sweat. 

Try:  Sweltering, drenched in dripping sweat. 

 

Crest and over or back?:  Then, coast down the perilous steep slopes, 

 

Breaking or braking?:  breaking all the downward way --

 

Nice finish:  The last ten miles no sweat at all.

 

 

 

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