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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>My apologies. Apparently, I failed to send out my notes from December and January. I am sending what I have saved.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna January A Dream:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“living” implied: my parents moved away from our people living on the Isabella Reservation in Michigan. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: my parents moved away from our people on the Isabella Reservation in Michigan. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Spelling: with all of the imperfections inherit in that state. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: with all of the imperfections inherent in that state. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora December Misty Christmas:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cute setup<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Need blank lines between dialogue<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Redundant: She didn't know what time it was, but it had to be late. Dusk was settling over the forest.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: She didn't know what time it was, but dusk was settling over the forest.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Forest 2X: She had walked deep into the forest after the fight with her sister.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: She had walked deep into the woods after the fight with her sister.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Punctuation: Finally, her anger cooled, she had turned around. Thought she had turned around anyway, and started back the way she came.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Finally, her anger cooled, she had turned around, thought she had turned around anyway, and started back the way she came.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use name: ... She felt something land on her shoulder.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: ... Misty felt something land on her shoulder.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“something” 2X: Feeling something again,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Feeling a light touch again,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“something” and socket: Something long and slender hovered just above her arm socket.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: A long and slender figure hovered just above her shoulder.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“it” more descriptive: It moved away when she moved toward it. She grabbed at it.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The image moved away when she moved toward it. She grabbed at thin air.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: A little man or woman<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: A little figure<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Too many commas: The, whatever, whoever, it was fluttered up slightly.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The whatever, whoever, fluttered up slightly.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Typo: I'm here to get your help.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: I'm here to get your help.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>? understanding: You're not my first contact.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora January Winds of Wrath<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Clear and concise<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Well-organized<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Insert blank line, paragraph break: Taylor Anderson is A gun maker<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert “Author”: Author Taylor Anderson is A gun maker<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use pronoun, avoid “had been”: Taylor has been a technical and dialog consultant for<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: He is a technical and dialog consultant for<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: He is also a member of the National Historical Honor Society and the United States field artillery association which awarded him the honorable order of St. Barbara.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: He is also a member of the National Historical Honor Society, and the United States field artillery association which awarded him the honorable order of St. Barbara.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use proper name: He has skillfully used his knowledge<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Taylor has skillfully used his knowledge<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Change tense: The series began in June<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The series begins in June<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Comma inside quote: "Into the Storm",<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: "Into the Storm,"<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: The series began in June, 2008 with "Into the Storm", and concludes with book 15 "Winds of Wrath," released in June, 2020.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The 15-book series begins with "Into the Storn" released in June 2008, and concludes with "Winds of Wrath" released in June 2020.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Confusing: If you haven't read the first fourteen, it is now safe to do so. The adventure is done, so no worries about it not being completed.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Move up: The series chronicles the adventures<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Too long, break up, best words at end: In the Caribbean, the Allies marshall their "modern" warships--including Captain Reddy's Walker, the captured super-dreadnought Savoie, and even newly built vessels from the Union, Empire and Republic--against a mighty armada of League battleships for a climactic duel of fire and flashes.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: In the Caribbean, the Allies marshall their "modern" warships against a mighty armada of League battleships for a climactic duel of fire and flashes…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Redundant: Taylor Anderson has concluded the series with a spectacular ending that, I am sure, will be satisfying to all those who have stuck it out to the end.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Taylor Anderson has concluded the series with a spectacular battle that, I am sure, will be satisfying to all those who have stuck it out to the end.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Sally January Time Travel:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Title?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Retired Passport<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Replace “had”: it had in bygone days<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: it survived in bygone days<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Love the layered visual at start<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Love the sentiment<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard December Saying Goodbye<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Powerful<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=yiv5639500115msonormal>? understanding: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>What is not the same about today,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=yiv5639500115msonormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>not to wish you all a tres bon jour?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard January The Long Bike Challenge:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Repeat slope: <span style='color:black'>as I accept the sloping challenge --<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Body working the lower slopes --<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>as I accept the rising challenge --<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Body working the lower slopes --<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Intensify, short gasps: <span style='color:black'>Striving with every pumping stroke,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: Striving, pumping, Stroking<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Pushing, grinding<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Stronger?: Suddenly the rise increases<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: Sharply, the rise increases<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>The rise increases sharply<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>When I begin: <span style='color:black'>When I begin to mount the summit <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>As I begin to mount the summit <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Sweat not sweltering: <span style='color:black'>drenched in sweltering, dripping sweat. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>Sweltering, drenched in dripping sweat. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Crest and over or back?: <span style='color:black'>Then, coast down the perilous steep slopes, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Breaking or braking?: <span style='color:black'>breaking all the downward way --</span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Nice finish: <span style='color:black'>The last ten miles no sweat at all.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>