[Critique Group 1] Marcia's May notes

[Marcia Wick]

Deanna May

Coyote Learns To Sing

 

Unclear:  Spotted Pony Boy searched through the brush moving further

Try:  Spotted Pony Boy searched through the brush for his lost arrow, moving
further

 

Wrong word?:  as he is wont to do. 

Try:  as he is want to do. 

 

Extra spaces before new paragraph, should be blank line.

 

Transition:  She began. "One day, 

 

Insert commas:  Quickly he ran down a hill and in a sheltered dip in the
land he found a small bird building his nest. 

Try:  Quickly, he ran down a hill and, in a sheltered dip in the land, he
found a small bird building his nest. 

 

Punctuation inside quote:  what is that lovely sound," he asked?

Try:  what is that lovely sound?" he asked.

 

NICE dialogue:  "Ouch!  Mind the feathers," cried the frightened bird. 

 

INCOMPLETE SENTENCE:  But little rock said nothing.  For it is not in his
nature to talk much.

TRY:  But little rock said nothing for it was not in his nature to talk
much.

 

Concluding quotes marks:  Coyote has been singing like that ever since."

 

Insert comma:  Grandmother Spider said "Any new thing that

Try:  Grandmother Spider said, "Any new thing that

 

Closing quote mark:  someday you will be a great hunter."   

 

 

Cleora May

Worthy of Their Hire

 

Use question mark:  What is equal pay for the same work.

Try:  What is equal pay for the same work?

 

Use dash:  20-plus years

 

Reword:  and I find that they mostly receive the same pay for showing up,
they do not all provide the same work for that pay.

Try:  and I find that, although they receive the same pay for showing up,
they don't all provide the same work for that pay.

 

Reword:  a number of tasks to be completed as well and as quickly as
possible.

Try:  a list of tasks to be completed as well and as quickly as possible.

Reword:  has left them with the mental idea that one or two tasks completed
in a day is good enough, and men had a job to get done and put their mind
and body to work to complete it as soon as possible.

Try:  has left them with the idea that one or two tasks completed in a day
is good enough, while men see a job to be done and put their mind and body
to work to complete it as soon as possible.

 

Reword:  Salaries pay people for the job, but leaves the worker open to
employers that add more and more work without fair compensation.

Try:  Salaries may pay people the same for a particular job, but that leaves
workers open to employers that demand more and more work from salaried
workers without fair compensation.

 

I take some exception to this statement as a single working parent:  one or
two tasks completed in a day is good enough

 

 

Leonard May 21, 2021

Growing Gap

 

Incomplete sentence:  night after 

Try:  I heard her voice the night after 

a faint echo of her presence 

floated far from the world. 

 

Delete commas:  Time went by, and her face began to fade, 

until I couldn't see her anymore --

try:  Time went by and her face began to fade 

until I couldn't see her anymore --

 

reword "periods":  except in unexpected periods --

try:  except in unexpected moments--

 

delete comma:  or sighting someone in a swarm,

sporting something she used to wear. 

Try:  or sighting someone in a swarm

sporting something she used to wear. 

 

 

Sally May

                                                Liminal Time

 

Liminal - you've taught me another new word!

 

Again I learn new "old" expressions:  Widow's weeds

and

"turn the conversation"

 

Love these powerful strong words:  As the raw shock of loss lessened and I
was left with occasional waves of sorrow,

 

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