[Critique Group 1] Marcia's April notes

[Marcia Wick]

Sally April

 

INTRODUCTION

Rework roughly for example:  

Dear Reader,

I am a private person who never intended to write my poems and prose for
wide distribution. Yet, here we are, you and I, sharing my emotions and
memories compiled in a book I didn't set out to publish. Initially, I wrote
as a personal way to unearth and process my feelings when dearly loved
people and animals died.  I shared some of my writing with a critique group
and close friends but, un like my colleagues who were submitting work to
journals for publication,  I was content to hand a poem, literally or
metaphorically, to a single reader in the hope she or he might find help,
empathy, or solace. It was the literary equivalent of sitting at my kitchen
table with a friend as we shared cups of tea and whatever emotions surfaced.


 

Several friends and members of a monthly critique group and the larger
online writers' group, Behind Our Eyes  comprised of writers with
disabilities, urged me to compile a collection of my work to reach a wider
audience. It wasn't until I viewed each piece as part of a whole that I
realized the common theme of adjusting to loss. As I re-read my own words, I
wished I could trade the words for another chance for more time with the
people and animals I had lost.  Sadly, life doesn't give any of us that
option, so I decided to keep their memories alive through words and to send
those words wherever this book might take them. 

While the writing here is drawn from my personal life experiences, I believe
that many like me, later in life, also struggle with the death of a spouse
or parent, an aging body, illness, caregiving, and mapping new ways forward
into unknown territory alone or under changed circumstances.

 

After a year of COVID lockdown, we all walk with some degree of sadness and
bewilderment as we seek to live with loss.  Although I don't believe in
closure, I do think that, after loss and change, we are, at our core,
resilient human beings who can come out of the shadow of sorrow and choose
to take small steps at first, and then larger ones, into a future that is
different but, nonetheless, beckoning.

 

Leonard

Garden Melee

Tongue in cheek - a messy garden equals messy writing. I think this can be
cleaned up for clarity.

 

Punctuation:  A garden is peaceful. A place to meditate, relax, flex your
muscles and all that rot.

Try:  A garden is peaceful, a place to meditate, relax, flex your muscles,
and all that rot.

 

Rework:  Yes, you read me right, the word is rot, balderdash and a big lie.

Try:  A peaceful garden? Balderdash! Yes, you read me right, the word is
rot. 

 

Rework:  If you have a time camera it will tell the story. The story it
tells is of a very slow-moving battleground of competition.

Try:  If you have a time camera, it will tell the story of a slow-moving
battle of competing forces.

Or:  A time camera would tell the story of a slow-moving competition.

 

Tense/delete etc.:  Each species of plant vying for the best soil, the most
sunlight, the most protected spots, etc.

Try:  Each species of plant vies for the best soil, the most sunlight, and
the most protected spot.

 

Reword:  So, the conflicts tend to give the impression of peacefulness.

Try:  The competition may appear peaceful.

 

simplify:  Luckily, each species has its preferences, and does well under
different environmental situations.  They don't all want the same things,
and cannot dominate under all circumstances. So, the conflicts tend to give
the impression of peacefulness. But if you are trying to contain a weed, or
prevent one plant from dominating another, you know what I'm talking about.
It's a balance of power in most natural circumstances, but a garden is not a
natural place. 

That may seem to be a strange statement to make about a garden, but unless
you are a master gardener and know how to plant species that are natural
collaborators with each other, and otherwise create a natural balance, you
have to impose your will by weeding and other tasks which are not exactly
the way nature intended life to work.

But we want our gardens to be beautiful according to our standards, and we
will go through great pains to see that things go our way.

Try:  Luckily, each species has its preferences and does well in different
environmental situations.  They don't each want the same thing and cannot
dominate under all circumstances. The conflicts appears peaceful unless you
try to contain weeds or prevent one plant from dominating another. You know
what I'm talking about.  It's a balance of power in nature, but a garden is
not a natural place. That may seem to be a strange statement, but unless you
are a master gardener and know how to plant species that are natural
collaborators, you have to impose your will and create a balance by weeding
and other work which is not exactly the way nature intended.

We desire beautiful gardens according to our standards, and we go through
great pains to see that things go our way.

 

Deanna April

 

Shadow

Another fun trip in the mind of a dog!

 

Punctuation:  I know K. stands for kitty

Try:  I know "K" stands for kitty

 

Move comma:  It's lucky I am a versatile assistant, because except for
taking her out for exercise, I don't get much work requiring my professional
training.

Try:  It's lucky I am a versatile assistant because, except for taking her
out for exercise, I don't get much work requiring my professional training.

 

Move:  together with friends. I do try to cheer her up and take every
opportunity to get her to play with me. There is nothing like a good game of
tug or catch to cheer a person up.

 

New paragraph:  We were almost late today

 

Inside quote marks:  put her hand under my face and said "out!"  I gave it
to her

Try:  put her hand under my face and said 'out!'  I gave it to her

 

Also:  and Cecily said, dumb dumb dumb.  I don't think

Try:  and Cecily said 'dumb, dumb, dumb.'  I don't think

Also:  She said 'out' again

 

Dialogue contractions:  So, if you will excuse me, I need to go clean up the
floor before Cecily steps on the cheese and grinds it into the carpet, then
I will need a little nap. Bye-bye!"

Try:  So, if you'll excuse me, I need to go clean up the floor before Cecily
steps on the cheese and grinds it into the carpet, then I'll need a little
nap. Bye-bye!

 

Cleora April

 

Creeped Out

 

Reword:  All the slots under the car port of the two story apartment
building across from the apartment I was living in during the mid-1980s,
were in their places. 

Try:  All the car ports under the two story building across from the
apartment I was living in during the mid-1980s were occupied. 

 

Reword:  One resident was turning down the North side of their building.
Probably Headed for the laundry, I thought. 

Try:  Another resident was strolling down the North side of their building,
probably Headed for the laundry, I thought.

 

Reword:  

Following the landing around, 

Try:  Following the landing, 

 

Delete "it":  It was a bright sunny spring morning. 

Try:  The sunny spring morning was bright. 

 

Heighten tension:  Nearing the fourth or fifth car port on my side, I
tensed. Was I being followed? Disturbed, I looked over my shoulder. The dawn
light was dim. No one was there. Ahead of me, the sun was shining. Hmmm, I
couldn't shake my fear. I looked behind me again. Despite a slight breeze,
the air was heavy and damp. I saw only darkness behind me. Creeping along
the access road between the two buildings at the same speed I was walking
was a dark grey cloud. I stopped and stared. Did it stop, too? Or, was it
moving? It wasn't raining. Everything in front and behind me was dry. I
looked up again. A dark low hanging cloud was definitely on my tail. I
quickened my pace , keeping a wary eye on the sky. The ominous cloud was
still there, keeping pace with me. I tossed the trash bag in the dumpster,
and was gripped with the realization .hope you get the idea! Try to do this
with the rest of your piece.

 

 

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