[Critique Group 1] January 2021 Critique Notes

[Deanna Noriega]

Cleora,

After a while he looked behind him, The after a while doesn't really tell us
much.  Perhaps try-As he left the park, he looked back,

Three different convenience stores and two banks. Different doesn't seem
necessary. The numbers are the important thing.

As the girls should have an apostrophe, as the girl's card went in,

He could just make out the face of the girl he had taken the card from.
There is a problem here. You have him able to read his name on the card in a
few sentences later.  Perhaps move his discovering that his name was on the
card sooner. It might be when he notices he still has it at the
optometrist's office. Also, it isn't grammatically correct to end that
sentence with the word "from," Try He struggled to make out the face of the
owner of that credit card with the dolphin on it.

But, if she could see him, why hadn't she turned him in?  Were all of the
people he robbed blind? If not, this sentence doesn't make sense. Perhaps,
But, if she could see him, why had she pretended to be blind?   

 

Marcia,

Seized gruffly from behind,  Perhaps you meant roughly? Gruffly usually
refers to a growl or harsh speaking voice.

Down she plunge, Needs an s to remain in the same tence as the rest of the
verbs.

 

Sally,

As always, a beautiful piece of nostalgia.

DeAnna Quietwater Noriega

Cell: 573-544-3511

Email:  <mailto:dqnoriega at gmail.com> dqnoriega at gmail.com

Author of Fifty Years of Walking with Friends

https://www.dldbooks.com/dqnoriega/

 

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