[Critique Group 1] Leonard's belated comments on Cleoras piece

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

I think you have an interesting concept.  



I don’t think it needs  all the details. 



It’s a little too long andrawn out. 



It is slap stick humor at the beginning. 



Which I suppose is necessary to point out how extreme Genine is 



and why you would be glad to get ridofher.  



Maybe it is a little over the top. 



You could shorten it. 



You don’t have to be arrested.  



On the other hand, that may be appropriate forslapstick humor.   



The scene where you can’t get rid of your prizeis good, 



but again I think you can shorten it.  



There are other examples I could give. 



In short , shorten it.  



Cut down on the details.



A little less convoluted. 



I  didenjoy the story, otherwise.  



The saga is so much in the future that I cannotreconcile with what we know of physics today. It’s more fantasy than sciencefiction.




 


Cleora’ss sub for April




 



 


2774 words



Prize Winner



By Sly Duck




 


“Get your tickets ready, folks,” we are about todraw the number for the lucky winner of the top of the line...”



“Cynthia,” someone yelled in my ear, drowningout the last words of the speaker. I turned to see it was Janeen. “Shush,” Isaid urgently, “I'm entered in this.”



“Oh, Cynthia, no one ever wins those things.It's just a gimmick.”



“Just the same,” I said feeling like clapping myhand over her big mouth.



“Have you got your numbers ready?” the announcerwas saying. Someone has placed a blind fold over his eyes. He reaches his handinto the box, and pulls out a strip of paper.



“You know what I got today?” Janeen squeals inmy ear.



“No,” I say. “Shush”



The man is holding the ticket. “And the luckynumber is...”



“It's the most wonderful thing ever,” continuesJaneen.



OK, that's it. I step back a little to getbehind Janeen and clap my hand firmly over her mouth and the other arm acrossher chest pinning her against me.



She begins to struggle, but I am able to hear,“...8429. Again, look at your numbers folks, the winner is the person withticket 5478429. Is the person with ticket number 5478429 here? You must bepresent to win. Would the person with 5478429 please step forward now. If noone speaks up, I'll have to draw another number.” I can’t remember my numberexactly, but I think that might be me. Janeen is struggling. I repeat thenumber over and over in my mind. As Janeen gets away she knocks my ticket outof my hand. I see it flutter to the floor. The man in front of me steps backplacing his foot on top of it.



“Is the winner here?” asks the announcer.



“Wait,” I cry out, “I think it's me.” I'mpounding my fist on the top of the guys foot. “Get off my ticket,” I scream.



“Young lady, get hold of yourself. What is itwith this younger generation. No respect.” He slides his foot away but theticket must be stuck to it.



“Get off my ticket,” I scream, continuing topound his shoe.



A couple of burley men appear, grab me, and pullme away from the man. “He is standing on my ticket,” I keep screaming. “Makehim give me my ticket.”



It took some time, but finally after 3 hours inthe main office under guard, the whole thing got straightened out. “OK, miss,here you go.” He reached out his hand. It held a 3 x 5 inch rectangular box.



“What's that?” I asked.



“It's your prize.”



I took the box, and opened it expecting to finda set of keys for my very own, state of the art, perfect in every way, Saturn.But, it wasn't keys, it was two pieces of plastic fastened together on the sideby a hinge. “What's this,” I asked, looking at him.



“It's your Saturn Intergalactic SmartCommunicator,” he said simply. “Enjoy.”



“I don't understand. My prize is a Saturn. Isthis some kind of remote control?”



“No, it's a direct line to the Chamber ofCommerce on Saturn. You contact them and you may choose any one of the 5 Saturnmoons for your communication link. Congratulations.”



I stared at him open mouthed. “But, I won acar.”



He shook his head. “If you don't mind. I have alot of work to do. The instructions are inside. Just call the number, and theywill take care of the details.”



I stood up shakily laying the hand with the boxon the edge of his desk to steady myself. Slowly I straightened completely. Ileft the box on the desk and turned to leave. I felt a weight in my pocket.Looking back, I saw the box was gone. I checked my pocket. It was in my pocket.



“It is one of the features,” he said cheerily.“You can't lose it. It is highly advanced technology. It will always move intoa pocket or purse so you can never accidentally leave it behind. I sure wish Ihad one. What a great prize.”



I took it out of my pocket and handed it to him.



“No, it has been programmed to you. It is yoursfrom now on.”



“Terrific,” I said, looking at it. I dropped itin my pocket and left the room.



Janeen was waiting outside the door. “Wow, can Isee it? Can I use it? What are you going to do now?



She kept talking, asking one question afteranother. I had to get rid of her so I could think.



She took it out of my pocket, opened it up, andbegan messing with it.



“I am sorry,” said a female voice with anaccent. “You are not my designated person. Please return me to my handler.”



“EEK,” Janeen squeaked, and dropped the box.



It glided over and settled in my pocket.



“Come on Janeen, I'll take you home, then I haveto get to work.”



I didn't really have to go to work. I took theday off so I could be present for the drawing, but I did need to get rid ofJaneen.



“Wow! This is just soooo awesome. I have afriend on the Saturn moon Rhea. I play Junk Yard with him. He is soooo awesome.He wants to come to earth someday. He just needs a sponsor.”



I dropped Janeen off at her apartment and wenthome.



Well, I might as well see what it is all about.



I took the box out. I still couldn't bringmyself to think of it as a phone, but I suppose that is what it is.



I opened it up. “Hello, Cynthia” the femalevoice said. “Are you ready to set me up?”



“I guess,” I said.



    “Select the intergalacticnumber for the moon you want.”



I stared at the list. “I don't want any ofthem.”



“You must select a moon.”



“How much does all this cost?”



“Your Saturn Intergalactic Smart Communicatorcomes with 30 days unlimited interstellar talk, text, and data. Would you liketo activate your free trial now?”



I snapped the phone shut, and rummaged throughthe box for the directions. The only thing I found was a half inch square pieceof red plastic.



I opened the phone again.



“Hello, Cynthia, are you ready to set me up?”



“Where are the instructions?” I asked.



“Place the red chip in the slot on the bottom ofthe Saturn Intergalactic Smart Communicator.”



I turned it over, and placed the plastic squarein the only slot I could find. Nothing happened. I turned the phone back over.“Now what?” There was no answer. I turned it over again, took out the chip andexamined it. Turning it over, I saw an arrow pointing at one side. I slid thatside in first.



“Welcome to the Saturn Intergalactic SmartCommunicator. Let's get started,” said a male voice.



The phone was quite amazing, with it, I couldtalk to anyone on any of the 15 extraterrestrial colonies that had one like it.



The only person I know that knows anyone on oneof the colonies is Janeen.



Oh well, the ticket had been free. I dropped thephone back in its box, and stored it away in a drawer.



My phone started ringing at 9:06am. It wasanother one of those blank calls. You know, the ones where a random generatednumber calls your phone and stays on 2 seconds after your answering machinestops talking, and leaves no message. I hate those calls. I never answer them.I never answer any call that isn't someone I know or want to talk to any more.Reason number one why I have absolutely no use for some fancy spancy smartphonethat can call Saturn.



Oh, well. I had planned to be cruising with mynew Saturn, but as long as I had the day off, I might as well enjoy it. I waswatching an episode of M*A*S*h* when the doorbell rang.



Janeen was on the other side of the door.



“Are you alright? I called you at work but theysaid you weren't there. I was worried. Are you sick?”



I groaned inwardly. Thought about how it wouldhave been better if I hadn't answered the door, but, she would have probablycalled the police.



“No, I'm fine. Just taking some time off.”



“Oh, wow! That is soooo mazing. How did youknow? This is fantastic. You could sponsor Gerald. This is soooo perfect.”



“Hold on, there. Not so fast. What do you mean“sponsor” Gerald?”



“Well, long story short,” she began.



I cringed. If anything, stories from Janeen werenever short.



“Gerald wanted to come to visit. He had a ticketfor the drawing for the Saturn. The phone, you know. But his dad didn't come,so he couldn't come, so he missed the drawing. Had to be present to win, youknow. Well, anyway, he wanted to come visit anyway. And, since you are home,you could sponsor him.”



“What do you mean “sponsor”?”



“You know, he has his own ship. It is sooooamazing. It travels on a light beam. But, local ports won't let you land one,so he has to have a sponsor who has a yard big enough to park it while he'shere. Your yard is perfect. It's not a very big ship. Just a two passenger. And,you have a privacy fence, so it would be secure. It wouldn't be any trouble. Wecould go do something amazing. He could help you with the new phone. He has oneof the old ones. There are soooo many amazing things you can do with it.”



She was still talking, but I wasn't listening. Ibacked into the house. She followed me in and shut the door behind us.



“So, will you do it?”



“Do it?”



“Sponsor him?”



“I don't know, I don't have anywhere for him tostay. As for my yard, well, what about the trees. I just planted that ChinesePistachio a year ago. I don't want anything to damage it.”



“It's absolutely, perfectly safe. I promise.”



I knew about Janeen's promises. They usuallyresulted in an “Oops” I didn't know that would happen. But, I know once shegets an idea into her head...



“And, he won't be staying long. He's just comingfor a visit. We'll spend some time together. And, then he'll go back. It's onlyan hour trip each way. If he starts right now, he can be here by eleven, we canspend the day, then he can be back home by --hum--well, whatever midnight ourtime is on Saturn. Pleeese.”



I filled my lungs to capacity and pushed the airout through my mouth. I placed my face in my hands, and drug them down my faceslowly. “Well, I suppose I could talk to him.”



She got him on her phone and handed it to me.



“I don't know how to use this,” I started.



“I put it on speaker,” she said.



“Hello, Ms. Sharp. How are you.”



I was shocked. He sounded so calm and polite. Ihad never really thought about it. I guess I just expected Gerald to be likeCynthia.



“Hello,” I said. “I'm fine, and you?”



“Fine. Janeen thought...well...I...Janeen wassaying...”



“It’s ok,” I broke in. “Janeen was saying allthere is to you're being able to come is for you to have a place to park your spaceship.I'm a little concerned, though. I don't want dents or scorch marks in my yard.Also, I have a few trees. How big is the ship? I'm not sure it will fit.”



Gerald was very polite and carefully explainedhow he would arrive and what I would need to do.



“I'll file a flight plan, and be on my way in 30minutes. I should arrive about noon your time.”



“That will be fine,” I said. “See you then.”



I handed the phone back to Janeen.



“Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you,” shesquealed. She grabbed me in a bear hug, released me, and bounded out the door.“See you at noon.” Were her parting words.



I took a deep breath, buried my face in my handsagain, and let them slide slowly down my face as I expelled air from my lungs.I went out in my yard, rolled up the water hose, and made sure everything wasready, and went back in. By this time M*A*S*H* was over and Roseanne was on. Isurfed the channels, and finally settled on sitting back and listening to thenews.



Gerald arrived promptly at 11:30am. The housecreaked under the force of his vessel’s magnetic field, but the landing wassmooth and professional. I looked out my patio door, and gasped. It was a stateof the art vessel. Clearly top of the line in every way. I immediately knew Ihad misjudged this Gerald, whoever he was, he was no ordinary boyfriend.



The door to the craft slid open and a lightedplatform with a young man Janeen's age descended on it as it drifted to theground. The ship hung roughly six inches off the ground. There was no landinggear visible.



“Does it have to land?” I asked.



“No, it will hang there until I'm ready toleave. Where's Janeen?”



“I expect her at noon. You are a little early.”



“Yes, sorry about that. I wanted to have a fewminutes to talk to you before she arrived.”



“I had no idea your craft was one of the newermodels.”



“Yes, my dad gave it to me for Christmas. I makevisits to some of the surrounding moons for him, and he wanted me to have areliable ship.”



“Moons?” I asked.



“Yes, my dad is Spinraker. You know, ofSpinraker Mining Enterprises?”



My mouth fell open. I closed it with a snapnicking the tip of my tongue. “Ouch,” I yelped.



A big, perfect, beautiful grin spread across hisface. Then putting his lips together, still in a huge grin, he placed his indexfinger in front of his mouth in a shush. “There's no need for anyone but you toknow that.”



“You mean Janeen doesn't know?”



“Well, not exactly, she knows I work for thecompany. She doesn't know the owner is my dad. Don't misunderstand, I likeJaneen. I like her a lot. She's a lot of fun. Excitable, but fun. However,there's another reason why I jumped at the chance to come after missing out onattending the drawing. I understand you had the winning ticket.”



I nodded.



“I understand you thought the drawing was for aSaturn car.”



I nodded.



“Do you want the Saturn Intergalactic SmartCommunicator? I mean even a little. Now that you know what the prize was, doyou want to keep it?”



I shook my head.



“I have a proposition for you.”



“Proposition?” My eyebrows shot up.



His grin widened. “I will give you a Saturn car,any color, any extras. Totally to your specification, in exchange for the SISCphone you received.”



I followed him into his ship, and we set down infront of his console. He helped me explore my choices, and we ordered the mostperfect Saturn that I could possibly have dreamed of. He arranged for it to bedelivered the following week.



“Now,” he said, “as soon as it arrives, check itout. Make sure that it is exactly what you want. If there is anything you wantto change, let me know and I'll take care of it. I'll activate the SISC for youand show you how to call me. When everything is perfect to your specifications,let me know, and I'll arrange to transfer the SISC to me.”



It was five minutes to twelve when we finished.I heard the doorbell as we were coming in through the patio door.



Janeen squealed with delight as soon as I openedthe door, and she saw Gerald.



“Well, I'll let you kids go have your fun,” Isaid.



“Thanks for everything,” said Gerald. He lookedat me with that beautiful smile, and Winked. “See ya later.”



In addition to the Saturn, the best thing aboutGerald's visit, is that when he left, he took Janeen with him. I wonder if Iwill miss her? Nah.



By the way, my new state of the art, highperformance, perfect in every way Saturn is soooo amazing. Grin.




 


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