[Critique Group 1] Marcia's November comments

[Marcia Wick]

Leonard:

Where Would I Go?

 

You're not ancient:  Through olden  days of  ancient times,

Try:  Through olden  days of  long ago,

 

Wrong word (cowardly):  I cannot 

afford to cravenly move once more.

Try:  I cannot 

afford to selfishly move once more.

 

Reword:  My age is suddenly upon me, 

Try:  Old age is suddenly upon me, 

 

Punctuation:  What is farce is made into fact,      

as does the world in which we dwell.

This country teeters on the brink. 

Try:  What is farce is made into fact.      

As does the world in which we dwell, 

this country teeters on the brink. 

 

Right attitude!:  I lift my glass and say, "To Life.

 

 

Cleora:

I Never Saw That Before

 

Delete "began":  began to merrily whistle

Try:  merrily whistled

 

Delete dialogue tag:  "I never heard him do that before," said Janet as she
turned to go to the bird and tell him how

Try:  "I never heard him do that before." Janet turned to go to the bird and
tell him how

 

Delete "that:  Dusty had been doing that

Try:  Dusty had been whistling Yankee Doodle

 

Simplify, long sentences, delete "that":  Dusty had been doing that since
shortly after she brought him home three years ago and started whistling the
tune to him, but, this time, she didn't remind Janet. Janet who had been
Claudia's care giver for the last three years had been there when Dusty
first started whistling the tune. Janet had begun doing that more and more
lately.

Try:  Dusty had been whistling Yankee Doodle since shortly after Claudia had
brought him home three years ago and started whistling the tune to him. She
didn't remind Janet, who had been her care giver for the last three years,
that she was there when Dusty first began whistling the tune. Janet had
begun forgetting more and more lately.

 

Reword:  "Depending on the mail

Try:  "After we pick up the mail

 

Obvious:  She rolled down the window.

 

Delete "them":  "One of them isn't yours.

Try:  "One of these bills isn't yours.

 

Redundant:  Janet could remember to check through the mail for pieces that
weren't Claudia's, but she never remembered what to do with the ones that
weren't hers.

Try:  Janet could remember to check through the mail, but she couldn't
recall what to do with the ones that weren't for Claudia.

 

Use name, not pronoun:  handed her the mail

Try:  handed Claudia her mail

 

Unnecessary detail, dialogue with clerk at gas station

 

Confusing:  and they went out to get in the car that was parked in front of
the door exactly where Claudia had been sure it could have been parked to
begin with.

Try:  and they went out. Another car was parked in front of the door exactly
where Claudia had been sure they could have parked to begin with.

 

Sounds like a hearing problem:  "Do you want to check out first, or get the
tags first?" asked Janet.

 

Irrelevant:  that Claudia was being forced to take out

Try:  that Claudia needed to complete

 

Redundant:  Claudia asked herself silently

Try:  Claudia asked herself.

 

 

Deanna:

Many Hands.

 

Joking:  Many feet Make the Work Go Quicker

All Feet on Deck

 

Time:  about 4 this afternoon

Try:  about four this afternoon

Or

about 4:00 this afternoon

 

reorganize:  She instructed Mike and Ryan to remove their shoes on the front
porch. She spread floor wax on the

try:  Mike and Ryan burst through the front door demanding lunch. "Stop!
Take off your shoes on the front porch. While the boys ate outside, she
spread floor wax on the

 

awkward:  bottoms of their stockinged feet

try:  bottoms of their stockings (or socks)

 

reword:  Smiled Lisa.

Try:  Lisa smiled.

 

Insert comma:  By the time Mary returned with the shopping the floors
gleamed.

Try:  By the time Mary returned with the shopping, the floors gleamed.

 

Cute ending

 

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