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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Where Would I Go?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>You’re not ancient: Through olden days of ancient times,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>Through olden days of long ago,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Wrong word (cowardly): <span style='color:black'>I cannot <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>afford to cravenly move once more.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>I cannot <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>afford to selfishly move once more.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Reword: <span style='color:black'>My age is suddenly upon me, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>Old age is suddenly upon me, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Punctuation: <span style='color:black'>What is farce is made into fact, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>as does the world in which we dwell.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>This country teeters on the brink. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>What is farce is made into fact. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>As does the world in which we dwell, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>this country teeters on the brink. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Right attitude!: <span style='color:black'>I lift my glass and say, “To Life.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I Never Saw That Before<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “began”: began to merrily whistle<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: merrily whistled<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete dialogue tag: "I never heard him do that before," said Janet as she turned to go to the bird and tell him how<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: "I never heard him do that before." Janet turned to go to the bird and tell him how<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “that: Dusty had been doing that<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Dusty had been whistling Yankee Doodle<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Simplify, long sentences, delete “that”: Dusty had been doing that since shortly after she brought him home three years ago and started whistling the tune to him, but, this time, she didn't remind Janet. Janet who had been Claudia's care giver for the last three years had been there when Dusty first started whistling the tune. Janet had begun doing that more and more lately.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: Dusty had been whistling Yankee Doodle since shortly after Claudia had brought him home three years ago and started whistling the tune to him. She didn't remind Janet, who had been her care giver for the last three years, that she was there when Dusty first began whistling the tune. Janet had begun forgetting more and more lately.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: "Depending on the mail<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: "After we pick up the mail<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Obvious: She rolled down the window.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “them”: "One of them isn't yours.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: "One of these bills isn't yours.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Redundant: Janet could remember to check through the mail for pieces that weren't Claudia's, but she never remembered what to do with the ones that weren't hers.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: Janet could remember to check through the mail, but she couldn’t recall what to do with the ones that weren't for Claudia.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use name, not pronoun: handed her the mail<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: handed Claudia her mail<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Unnecessary detail, dialogue with clerk at gas station<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Confusing: and they went out to get in the car that was parked in front of the door exactly where Claudia had been sure it could have been parked to begin with.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: and they went out. Another car was parked in front of the door exactly where Claudia had been sure they could have parked to begin with.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Sounds like a hearing problem: "Do you want to check out first, or get the tags first?" asked Janet.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Irrelevant: that Claudia was being forced to take out<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: that Claudia needed to complete<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Redundant: Claudia asked herself silently<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Claudia asked herself.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Many Hands…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Joking: Many feet Make the Work Go Quicker<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>All Feet on Deck<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Time: about 4 this afternoon<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: about four this afternoon<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>about 4:00 this afternoon<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>reorganize: She instructed Mike and Ryan to remove their shoes on the front porch. She spread floor wax on the<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try: Mike and Ryan burst through the front door demanding lunch. “Stop! Take off your shoes on the front porch. While the boys ate outside, she spread floor wax on the<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>awkward: bottoms of their stockinged feet<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try: bottoms of their stockings (or socks)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>reword: Smiled Lisa.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Lisa smiled.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: By the time Mary returned with the shopping the floors gleamed.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: By the time Mary returned with the shopping, the floors gleamed.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cute ending<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>