[Critique Group 1] Marcia's March notes

[Marcia Wick]

Sally

Title more personal? (My Mother's Daughter)

 

Insert comma:  ache of memory and warmed arthritic hands

Try:  ache of memory (memories?),  and warmed arthritic hands

 

Delete "out":  headed out

 

"ing" words:  Slipping a body grown lean through loss 

Try:  After slipping a body grown lean through loss 

 

 

Leonard

Clever dialogue

 

Typo on name:  Angel said, "Oy vey,

Try:  Angela said, "Oy vey,

 

Double period:  catching their breaths..

 

Reword:  they both settled down on the next cloud

Try:  they both (each?) settled on the next cloud

 

Quote needs attribution:  "I thought all this rushing around would stop once
I got to this level of Heaven. Does it get any better when I get to the next
level?"

Try:  "I thought all this rushing around would stop once I got to this level
of Heaven. Does it get any better when I get to the next level?" Angela
asked.

 

Rework sentences: "I can see where you'd be bothered. But it isn't your
fault they're such ninnies."

Try:  "I can see where you'd be bothered, but it isn't your fault. They're
such ninnies."

or:  "I can see where you'd be bothered, but it isn't your fault they're
ninnies."

 

Use question mark:  "You mean on Earth."

Try:  "You mean on Earth?"

 

Use noun, not pronoun first reference:  Why is He doing this to me?

Try:  Why is God doing this to me?

 

Closing quote:  "You're asking me? I gave birth to them. Something harsh,
but not too harsh.  

Try:  "You're asking me? I gave birth to them. Something harsh, but not too
harsh."  

 

 

Cleora

Title? Reference in essay?

 

Opening sentence, set theme, pose question.

Structure must address theme or question in the body and return to tie up at
end

 

Nonfiction, site sources

 

Reword:  I didn't see it for myself, but

Try:  I didn't see it myself, but

 

Repeat "stores":  fights in stores over toilet paper, and aisle after aisle
of empty shelves in the paper goods section of stores.

Try:  fights over toilet paper, and aisle after aisle of empty shelves in
the paper goods section of stores.

 

I asked everyone.

Everyone?

 

Redundant:  give a couple of rolls to a poor person who couldn't afford to
buy some.

Try:  give a couple of rolls to a poor person.

 

The news feed reported?

 

Start new paragraph:  Now comes the fun part. Where is she going to store
this paper? 

 

Style for numbers:  one twenty roll three eight roll, and 1 six roll
package;

Try:  one 20-roll, three 8-roll, and one 6-roll packages;

 

Unnecessary analysis?

Get to the bottom line.

 

Punctuation, semicolon or period:  I went to the store yesterday, I found
some rolls at a hardware store.

Try:  I went shopping yesterday; I found some rolls at a hardware store.

 

 

Deanna

 

Typo?:  A                     An Unexpected Gift


Try:  An Unexpected Gift

            

Hyphenate compound:  snow laden cedar trees and brilliant sun dazzled snow
drifts

Try:  snow-laden cedar trees and brilliant sun-dazzled drifts

 

Reword:  She spun around to race down the hall and out the kitchen door and
around to the side of the house. 

Try:  She spun around, raced down the hall burst out the kitchen door, and
ran around to the side of the house. 

 

Reword:  She tucked him inside her new coat against her heart.  The puppy
snuggled into the warmth of her body and slowly his shivers diminished.

Try:  She tucked him inside her new coat. The puppy snuggled into the warmth
of her body and, soothed by her heartbeat,  slowly his shivers diminished.

 

Insert comma:  "What are you doing out in the cold Blossom?"

Try:  "What are you doing out in the cold, Blossom?"

 

Three prepositions (child's talk):  Officer Trabu just threw away a puppy
out into the snow! 

Try:  Officer Trabu just threw a puppy out into the snow! 

or:  Officer Trabu just threw a puppy away in the snow! 

 

Reword:  Lisa and her grandfather turned to retrace the path Lisa had made
to enter the warmth of the kitchen where Mary Swan stood pouring a cup of
coffee.

Try:  Lisa and her grandfather retraced their path and entered the warmth of
the kitchen where Mary Swan stood pouring a cup of coffee.

 

Insert comma:  two younger children, Mike and Ryan scampered

Try:  two younger children, Mike and Ryan, scampered

 

Use numeral above nine:  for twenty years

Try:  for 20 years

 

 

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