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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Sally<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Title more personal? (My Mother’s Daughter)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: ache of memory and warmed arthritic hands<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: ache of memory (memories?), and warmed arthritic hands<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “out”: headed out<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“ing” words: Slipping a body grown lean through loss <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: After slipping a body grown lean through loss <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Clever dialogue<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Typo on name: Angel said, “Oy vey,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: Angela said, “Oy vey,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Double period: catching their breaths..<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Reword: they both settled down on the next cloud<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: they both (each?) settled on the next cloud<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Quote needs attribution: “I thought all this rushing around would stop once I got to this level of Heaven. Does it get any better when I get to the next level?”<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: “I thought all this rushing around would stop once I got to this level of Heaven. Does it get any better when I get to the next level?” Angela asked.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'> <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Rework sentences: “I can see where you’d be bothered. But it isn’t your fault they’re such ninnies.”<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: “I can see where you’d be bothered, but it isn’t your fault. They’re such ninnies.”<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>or: “I can see where you’d be bothered, but it isn’t your fault they’re ninnies.”<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Use question mark: “You mean on Earth.”<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: “You mean on Earth?”<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use noun, not pronoun first reference: <span style='color:black'>Why is He doing this to me?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: Why is God doing this to me?</span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Closing quote: <span style='color:black'>“You’re asking me? I gave birth to them. Something harsh, but not too harsh. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: <span style='color:black'>“You’re asking me? I gave birth to them. Something harsh, but not too harsh.” <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Title? Reference in essay?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Opening sentence, set theme, pose question…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Structure must address theme or question in the body and return to tie up at end<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Nonfiction, site sources<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Reword: I didn't see it for myself, but<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: I didn't see it myself, but<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Repeat “stores”: fights in stores over toilet paper, and aisle after aisle of empty shelves in the paper goods section of stores.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: fights over toilet paper, and aisle after aisle of empty shelves in the paper goods section of stores.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I asked everyone.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Everyone?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Redundant: give a couple of rolls to a poor person who couldn't afford to buy some.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: give a couple of rolls to a poor person.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>The news feed reported?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Start new paragraph: Now comes the fun part. Where is she going to store this paper? <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Style for numbers: one twenty roll three eight roll, and 1 six roll package;<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: one 20-roll, three 8-roll, and one 6-roll packages;<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Unnecessary analysis?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Get to the bottom line…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Punctuation, semicolon or period: I went to the store yesterday, I found some rolls at a hardware store.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: I went shopping yesterday; I found some rolls at a hardware store.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=center style='text-align:center'>Typo?: A An Unexpected Gift <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=center style='text-align:center'>Try: An Unexpected Gift<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=center style='text-align:center'> <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Hyphenate compound: snow laden cedar trees and brilliant sun dazzled snow drifts<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: snow-laden cedar trees and brilliant sun-dazzled drifts<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: She spun around to race down the hall and out the kitchen door and around to the side of the house. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: She spun around, raced down the hall burst out the kitchen door, and ran around to the side of the house. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: She tucked him inside her new coat against her heart. The puppy snuggled into the warmth of her body and slowly his shivers diminished.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: She tucked him inside her new coat. The puppy snuggled into the warmth of her body and, soothed by her heartbeat, slowly his shivers diminished.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: "What are you doing out in the cold Blossom?"<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: "What are you doing out in the cold, Blossom?"<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Three prepositions (child’s talk): Officer Trabu just threw away a puppy out into the snow! <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Officer Trabu just threw a puppy out into the snow! <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>or: Officer Trabu just threw a puppy away in the snow! <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: Lisa and her grandfather turned to retrace the path Lisa had made to enter the warmth of the kitchen where Mary Swan stood pouring a cup of coffee.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Lisa and her grandfather retraced their path and entered the warmth of the kitchen where Mary Swan stood pouring a cup of coffee.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: two younger children, Mike and Ryan scampered<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: two younger children, Mike and Ryan, scampered<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use numeral above nine: for twenty years<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: for 20 years<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>