[Critique Group 1] Sally's June comments for Marcia

[Sally Rosenthal]

Marcia, No, this isn't uncomfortable; I am glad you felt able to share it
with us.  What I really like about this is how your dad comes across as
himself in so many aspects of his life.  You mention that this is
anobituary.    As someone who wrote both of her parents' obituaries for
their local newspaper, I am wondering what you plan to do with this: publish
it in a paper, incorporate it as a written or spoken part of his funeral,
share it with family and friends?  If in a newspaper, you might have to trim
it depending on how much space the paper allows and how much it charges.
Some small changes:  You need to add the word "on" after "passed" and the
date of his death.  Delete the word "young" before "Ed" in the section about
his post-high school enlistment; the fact that he just graduated implies he
is young.  In the sentence ending "made it home safe," I might change "safe"
to safely."  Move the section about his children, grandchildren, etc.  to
the end and incorporate into the part naming his survivors.  This is truly
lovely.

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