[Critique Group 1] Marcia's February notes

[Marcia Wick]

Cleora:

Title punctuation:  Congratulations! You Are A Winner

Try:  Congratulations, You're A Winner!

 

Style:  three million five hundred thousand dollars

Try:  $3,500,000

 

Delete comma:  My phone rings, and I answer.

Try:  My phone rings and I answer.

 

Delete return:  John Wesley Harden with readers Discovery.

Are you familiar

Try:  John Wesley Harden with readers Discovery. Are you familiar

 

Delete "some":  There is some more talk.

Try:  There is more talk.

 

Insert comma introductory phrase:  Every so often he asks

Try:  Every so often, he asks

 

Use quotes:  I grunted uh-huh a couple of times

Try:  I grunted "uh-huh" a couple of times

 

Rework:  I think I grunted uh-huh a couple of times, but I avoid ever
outright saying the word "yes."

Try:  I grunted "uh-huh" a couple of times, but I avoided saying the word
"yes" outright.

 

Spell out 3:  write down 3 pieces

Try:  write down three pieces

 

Don't repeat "down":  "I need you to write down 3 pieces of information," he
continues. "Go get a pencil and paper to write this information down."

Try:  "I need you to write down three pieces of information," he continues.
"Go get a pencil and paper."

 

"He":  He was able

Try:  The caller was able

 

Reword:  He wanted me to turn down the TV so he could give me all my winning
details.

Try:  He asked me to turn down the television so he could give me all my
winning details.

 

Tense:  I tell him to hold on while I go get a digital recorder and try to
get it to start recording.

Try:  I told him to hold on while I fetched a digital recorder and tried to
get it to start recording.

 

Reword:  "This is 100% legitimate sure. For me here today," he assures me.

Try:  "This is 100% legitimate. For me, for sure, today," he assured me.

 

Typo/reword:  "I want you to me listening keenly,

Try:  "I want you to listen keenly,

 

Punctuation:  name of company Publisher's Copy House

Try:  Name of company - Publisher's Copy house

 

Reword:  The rd company. Stands for reader's Discovery.

Try:  "rd" Stands for Reader's Discovery.

 

Reword:  Now he asks me to verify that back.

Try:  He asks me to repeat the information.

 

Tense:  I repeat back what he told me to write down.

Try:  I repeated what he told me to write down.

 

Reword:  (PCH short for Publisher's Copy House RD stands for Reader's
Discovery)"

Try:  (PCH is short for Publisher's Copy House, and  RD stands for Reader's
Discovery)"

 

Reword:  "You're also going to need having down my full name

Try:  "You're also going to need my full name

 

Reword:  Now you're going to have down the amount of money

Try:  Now you're going to write down the amount of money

 

Reword:  "And, you have down your 3 million 500 thousand dollars??"

Try:  "And, you wrote down $3,500,000??"

 

Leonard:

 

Insert comma:  In life they know

Try:  In life, they know

 

Insert comma:  Finally she found

Try:  Finally, she found

 

Deanna:

 

Delete comma:  they would get twelve cents a lug and Lisa was still light
enough

Try:  they would get twelve cents a lug, and Lisa was still light enough

 

Insert comma:  Her small nimble fingers worked fast too. 

Try:  Her small nimble fingers worked fast, too. 

 

Redundant:  She was sure to have enough money to buy one impractical thing
just because it was pretty. 

Try:  She was sure to have enough money to buy the pretty sweater, even
though it was impractical. 

 

Who are "they?"  they had to share two pairs of boots between the three of
them. 

One had to stay inside

 

Paragraph break / join with following sentence:  She also needed heavy
winter under things, like long-johns and wool socks. Thinking of them made
her feel itchy.  She scratched.

 

Delete comma:  There were no screens on the windows of the sheds, where the
pickers slept. 

Try:  There were no screens on the windows of the sheds where the pickers
slept. 

 

Delete comma:  It was so hot and humid at night, that she kept kicking off
the thin cotton sheet

Try:  It was so hot and humid at night that she kept kicking off the thin
cotton sheet

 

Reword:  Anyone sleeping on a lower bunk, had it raining straw down on them
every time the person above them turned over. 

Try:  Anyone sleeping on a lower bunk had straw raining on them every time
the person above them turned over. 

 

Comma useage:  glad her brothers, Mike and Ryan shared the bunk

try:  glad her brothers, Mike and Ryan, shared the bunk

 

reword:  Grandma slept with her baby aunt, three-year-old Abby, she would
hear about it each time she wiggled the least bit.

try:  Grandma slept with three-year-old Abby, Lisa's aunt, she would hear
about it each time she wiggled the least bit.

 

grown up bucket?:  She wished she was big enough to wear her bucket on a
strap over her shoulder like the grown ups, but a full grown up bucket would
have pulled her over backwards she guessed.

Try:  She wished she was big enough to wear her bucket on a strap over her
shoulder like the grown ups, but a full bucket would have pulled her over
backwards, she guessed. 

 

Reword:  "Get up from there and stop that braying like a donkey!  Sugar
girl, are you alright?" he called

Try:  "Get up from there and stop that braying like a donkey! " he
instructed his son. "Sugar girl, are you alright?" he called to his
daughter.

 

Insert comma:  "Get me down pa,"

Try:  "Get me down, pa,"

 

Insert comma:  Soon aunt Martha

Try:  Soon, aunt Martha

 

Punctuation:  "You are an angel Lisa, unlike some I could name!" she said,
glaring at her older John.

Try:  "You are an angel, Lisa, unlike some I could name," she glared at her
older brother, John.

 

Punctuation:  "Here aunt Mattie,"

Try:  "Here, Aunt Mattie,"

 

Reword:  Worst though were picking cucumbers for the pickle companies. 

Try:  Worst though was picking cucumbers for the pickle companies. 

 

Delete dash and comma:  The car they come-in, looks on its last legs.

Try:  The car they come in looks on its last legs.

 

Insert comma:  enough trouble on their hands I think."

Try:  enough trouble on their hands, I think."

 

Typo:  six year-aold face

Try:  six-year-old face

 

Punctuation:  Well enough wool-gathering, she had a lot of cherries to pick,
if she was going to earn enough to buy a cherry red sweater for school!

Try:  Well, enough wool gathering. She had a lot of cherries to pick if she
was to earn enough to buy a cherry red sweater for school!

 

Sally:

 

Prompted by rain in February

 

Change word?:  Having left his body alone,

Try:  Having left his body behind,

 

Delete apostrophe:  gods'

Try:  gods

 

 

 

 

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