[Critique Group 1] Marcia's January notes

[Marcia Wick]

I don't think I sent these yet...

 

Cleora:

 

Use #, don't Spell out:  sixty inch

Try:  60-inch

 

fifty years ago

try:  50 years ago

 

hyphenate:  one time

try:  one-time

 

tense, reword:  the sun had been over

try:  the sun was over

 

insert comma:  center of the earth bathing all the continents

try:  center of the earth, bathing all the continents

 

closing quote:  I never tire of looking at it.

Try:  I never tire of looking at it."

 

Conversational contraction:  It's plain to see that it is flat."

Try:  It's plain to see that it's flat."

 

Comma, not period:  flat." said Phil looking appreciatively at the display.

Try:  flat," said Phil looking appreciatively at the display.

 

Punctuation, incomplete sentence:  said Phil looking appreciatively at the
display. Then at Jeff.

Try:  said Phil, looking appreciatively first at the display, then at Jeff.

 

Word choice:  Phil's eyebrows rose wrinkling his brow.

Try:  Phil's eyebrows rose, wrinkling his forehead.

 

Leonard:

 

Enjoyed Commentary - affect of fake news over time

 

Reword:  You tell him it isn't honest.

Try:  You tell him it isn't happening/true.

 

Delete "that"?:  Make him think that it isn't hot.

Try:  Make him think it isn't hot.

 

Love this line:  All the while, turn up the dial.

Slow burn!

 

Reword:  Make sure there are all sorts of news.

Try:  Make sure there are all sorts of views.

Or:  Make sure there is all sorts of news.

 

Reword:  Nobody is losing coastlines

Try:  No country is losing coastlines

 

Deanna:

 

Add hyphen:  Five-year old

Try:  Five-year-old

 

Reword "they":  The screen door squeaks and they tread the linoleum of the
hall

Try:  The screen door squeaks and the girl tread the linoleum of the hall

 

Insert comma:  Pedro, Grandpa's ranch hand lives

Try:  Pedro, Grandpa's ranch hand, lives

 

I'm lost!:  The dining room is the first on the left with the door to the
kitchen next and at the end of the porch is the door to the room with the
toilet.

 

Reword:  They come up from the lake which is where the water is piped

Try:  They come from the lake from which the water is piped

 

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