[Critique Group 1] Leonard's comments on Cleora's sub. for Dec.

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

This is very effective. 



It’s a real heart grabber. 



Cudos.




 


Cleora 20 20




 



 


The Lonely Room



By C. S. Boyd




 


Charles turned the key in the lock to the twin'sformer bedroom for the first time in 47 years and pushed open the door. Arocking horse stood silent and still just inside. Tears welled up in Helenseyes and spilled down her cheeks. . She turned her head and sobbed into hisshoulder. Charles wrapped his arm around her as he stared forlornly into theroom.




 


An open book lay on the end of the bed waitingfor Charlene to return and continue reading. What was that book, he wondered,but he didn’t go over and pick it up.




 


He remembered like it was yesterday how he hadtold Charlene to come on, the book would still be there when they got back. Thehorse continuing to rock gently following Charlie jumping off and running pastthem to get int the car. Charlene had reluctantly slid off the bed and followedthem out.




 


It was supposed to be a quick trip to thefilling station to service the car before Helen left to go visit her Mom. Onthe way, a truck plowed into the back end of their vehicle throwing Charlie outthrough the passenger side window and Charlene over the front seat and into thewindshield. Emergency vehicle personnel revived Charlie in the ambulance, buthe was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital. during the chaos thatfollowed, the room was forgotten.




 


This is very effective, thus far. 



But I wonder if it could not be made even vetterby somehow 



taking each part of that experienfe andseparating it from the others. 



Perhaps, even adding some words to deepen thetrajedy of the experience. 



Justthe separation would do that. 




 


Two weeks later, Charlene was taken off lifesupport; the room door closed and locked.




 


Charles raised his hand to stroke Helen’s hair.“Are you sure there is nothing you want to take with us to the home?”




 


What home are you referring to? Did Hellensuffer injuries that necessitated her going to live in a protective environment?




 


Hellen nodded her head against his shoulder.“I’m sure,” she said, her whisper barely audible.




 


“Okay,” He said, and Together they turned andleft the lonely room behind.




 



 



 


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