[Critique Group 1] Sally's August comments

[Sally Rosenthal]

Sally's August 2020comments:

Leonard:  If you are the "leader" of a writing group, how can you be a
"peer?"  Perhaps "member" would be a better choice than "peer."  In the line
beginning "when someone else is telling their story," "their" should be
"his" or "her."  It follows that the "their" and "them" in subsequent lines
should also be changed to singular.  I read the last verse several times and
came away confused each time; could you be clearer?  I loved the
"nose-to-nose" image and can relate as so many of us can.  Just out of
curiosity, have you ever asked the members to describe themselves?

DeAnna:  If our group has to go to the dogs, I am glad Enzo is leading the
way.  This cracks me up.  I can just see the furrowed brows and look of
puzzlement on his face.  The dog's point of view is clear and constant
throughout the poem.  In the line beginning "We walk but." there should be a
comma after the word "walk."  In the line beginning "Others." there should
be a comma after the word "

Cleora:  I really like the portion describing your childhood summers.  The
descriptions of what needed to be done and how you helped were so vivid that
I could almost taste the fruits and vegetables.  Your joy is obvious and
infectious.  Had your teacher ever asked you specifically about your
summers, and, if so, what was her reaction?  Do you think, in retrospect as
an adult, that she might not have judged your experience so harshly?  I also
think you made a good point about being able to hear descriptions of
landmarks.  I know how passionate you are about current events, but the
transition from your childhood summers and not travelling as an adult is too
abrupt.  The current events portion of the piece seems awkward in this
context and, would, I think be better if it were re-worked somehow or
explored in another essay. 

Marcia:  I love dark humor.  You mentioned that this was tongue-in-cheek,
sort of.  While it is really funny, I sense a lot of anger and some fear
beneath the humor.  I think you have come up with emotions that any spouse
of many years feels.  If this were a mystery novel, I would suspect the wife
killed her husband one day out of sheer frustration and buried him in the
garden.  Am I correct in assuming the last line means that the wife has
either slept or chosen to sleep through his stroke?

 

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