[Critique Group 1] Sally's July comments

[Sally Rosenthal]

Sally's July comments:

 

Leonard: The word "sleigh" is confusing.  Would "sled" be more appropriate?
In the line with "just how old I was", omit "just."  In line with "perhaps
was just knapsack," omit "was just."  The two lines about lying on your
father's back need to be re-written; you are lying on his back, yet you
begin the next line with the word "who."    His back does not correspond
with "who."  Perhaps omit "there were" and begin line with "Others."  Is
there a word missing in the line ending with "steep?"  The Hop-along Cassidy
reference is a good description and harkens back to the poem's time period.
I like the beginning but wonder if the "you" before "imbibe" needs to be
changed to "I?"  The closing lines are perfect, setting the poet in the
present and looping back to the musings in the opening lines.

Marcia:  In the first sentence, I would move the beginning phrase to the end
of the sentence for better clarity.  This is a very tender piece.  While it
is highly personal, it is universal for all people lose parents in some way.
I like the memories that you share about your father.  He isn't perfect
which makes this piece ring true.  Although you say that the ending is
abrupt, it really isn't.  It is a natural progression from thinking about
memories you have of your father to wondering if your daughters will do the
same for you.  Another lovely, reflective step on your journey.

Cleora:  First of all, I am sorry this happened to you.  I think you bring
up an important point in mentioning the economic divide in small towns and
its fallout.  This isn't usually examined, and I would like to see you
develop it more.  Do you mean to say that one of the students called "Percy"
a girl's name, or did you mean to say "Shelley?"  It struck me as odd that
no one was looking at your picture?  Weren't your parents or some other
relatives present?  The jump from the childhood event to the many events of
today strikes me as not quite right.  You mention a number of topics
briefly, almost like sound bytes, without much exploration.  I think you
have the material for several essays in this piece and encourage you to
write them.

DeAnna:  This is another look at the family you have been writing about.  I
think much of the natural imagery is lovely, especially those around the
dogwood blossoms.  I like the way Lisa continues to show her love and
understanding by having made him a stuffed playmate.  I would change "at
least three other girls named Lisa" to "three other Lisas."  No one names a
boy Lisa.  I am uncertain about the gift of jam.  Is it meant to be a
cast-off from last year's supply or a true gift?

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