[Critique Group 1] deep point of view

[Marcia Wick]

Here is the link for the article I talked about. Also, since the article is
long, I copied and pasted the part with the example below the link.

 

https://writersinthestormblog.com/2019/11/how-to-tell-if-youre-writing-in-de
ep-point-of-view/

 

Most of the time, in deep POV, if you name an emotion: angry, hated, loved,
envied, grieved, etc. it's considered telling in deep POV. What's considered
telling in deep POV is perfectly acceptable in shallower writing styles, so
it's not that it's wrong but it's creating distance between the reader and
the character and removing that distance is the goal.

Bronnie hated going to school. Everyone teased her. She trudged towards math
class and wished she was anywhere else. The faces lining both sides of the
hallway weren't angry, in fact, they looked to be having fun. They laughed
and giggled and pointed like she was the freak at the circus they'd all come
to gawk at. She ducked into class, her shoulders sagged with relief, and
counted the seconds until the bell rang.

This is very close to deep POV, but there's telling, some emotional distance
that feels like storytelling. Instead of walking that hallway with the
character, the reader is in a theater seat watching this happen - which
isn't wrong, but it's not the immersive effect we're trying to create.

Below, I've highlighted where the telling and distance creep in, and anyone
just learning deep POV will reword the sentences to avoid using those words.
However, it's still not diving deep into the emotions of the moment - what I
call the character's WHY. 

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How To Dive Deep

The reason this feels like storytelling is because the reader is being told
how the character feels. Deep POV gets curious about how emotions feel and
lets the reader decide what emotion is being experienced. Bronnie hated
going to school. This is telling and author intrusion in deep POV because
it's there simply for the reader's benefit. Deep POV is written as though
the character moving through a scene doesn't have an invisible audience.

Three more doors, then math class, and then she could escape. Go home to her
books. 

This sentence does more than TELL us she hates school, it SHOWS us how she
feels. The reader now becomes the judge and decides what label to give that
emotion. It's a view through this character's particular lens.

Everyone teased her. She trudged towards math class and wished she was
anywhere else. The faces lining both sides of the hallway weren't angry, in
fact, they looked to be having fun. They laughed and giggled and pointed
like she was the freak at the circus they'd all come to gawk at. She ducked
into class, her shoulders sagged with relief, and counted the seconds until
the bell rang.

The big red flag words here are "wished" and "with relief" because they're
telling, but removing those words/phrases still doesn't put the scene into
deep POV. The whole paragraph is written as though the reader is being told
a story. There's no intimacy, no raw emotion, no stakes, no why. Let's try a
rewrite aiming to remove the distance and immerse the reader IN the story.

Three more doors, then math class, and then she could escape. Go home to her
books. Bronnie clutched three text books to her chest like a shield and set
a fast pace as though the hallway were a bed of hot coals. The cool kids
stood at their lockers waiting to pounce like bored over-fed cats. She kept
her head down. Please don't notice me. Please be too busy with your
boyfriend and your gossip. 

"Freak." Lizzie's high-pitched taunt had every head turn in Bronnie's
direction.

Her teeth ached and she unclenched her jaw. Just leave me alone. Bronnie
shifted her books to ward off Lizzie's insults.

"I donated that sweater to the church last summer. It has a hole under the
arm doesn't it?" Lizzy latched onto Bronnie's wrist and jerked her arm up to
point at the hole. The hallway roared with their laughter.

Bronnie jerked her arm free. Papa got her birthday gift at the church
clothing bank? Heat from her chest erupted upwards, her face on fire. Her
daddy's the town drunk, Papa's deep voice echoed in her mind. She don't know
any better.

Steven stepped into her path. Bronnie swerved to avoid him, clutching her
books so he couldn't knock them to the floor again.

He blocked her escape. "What's the matter, freak? Cat got your tongue?"

She couldn't swallow around the lump in her throat. Be the bigger person -
maybe that was true, but Papa didn't have to get to math class. Why hadn't
the bell rung? Her eyes stung. 

"Boo!"

She flinched from the verbal punch. 

Steven's head tipped up with the force of his laugh. "Loser!"

Tears welled up, but she sucked in a deep breath, enough to inflate her
belly. She ran the last few feet to class. The bell rang and she slid into
her seat in the front row. Safe. 

Yes, the deep POV version is much longer. Deep POV will add to your word
count which is why you need to be strategic with it. But do you see how this
scene puts the reader IN that school hallway with Bronnie? The reader is
left to figure out what emotions she's feeling, but understanding how that
emotion feels is more immersive than labeling it would be.

 

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