[Critique Group 1] Marcia's October notes

[Marcia Wick]

Cleora:

Characters and Definitions

Attacker, Mage, Thief, Farms:  Delete "Province that"?

Try:  Provides.

 

Punctuation:  Warriors: Have strong well trained and loyal armies.

Try:  Warriors: Have strong, well-trained, and loyal armies.

Too many rulers and provinces!

Lead with name

Humble Sir Dog Breath 

Dwarf shepherd

Hollow Dogs Province

small attacker

weak

More concise, limit list to only the top two or three players.

 

Sally:

Hopeful Hands

All except two words are only one or two syllable words, "purposeful and
bewildered"

Suits mood, basic going through motions

Still hopeful - wake, spring, willing, lifted, warmth

 

Leonard:

I Remember Schindler

Put into quotes?  May my country always be right!

Though whether it be wrong or right -

Try:  "May my country always be right!

Though whether it be wrong or right." -

Redundant?:  strays away

Play on words?:  trumps corruption?

Typo?:  oTruth

Try:  Oh, truth

 

Deanna:

Lessons My Mother Taught Me

Punctuation - consider semicolon:  Sometimes love means forgiving,

It only hurts more if you can't.

Try:  Sometimes love means forgiving,

It only hurts more if you can't.

Consider dash:  Be honest even when no one knows.

Try:  Be honest - even when no one knows.

Delete comma:  There is always enough love -

If you keep giving it away.

Try:  There is always enough love

If you keep giving it away.

Punctuation:  Thank you mom for the lessons,

You taught me by your example.

Try:  Thank you, Mom, for the lessons

You taught me by your example.

 

 

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