[Critique Group 1] Marcia's February comments

[Marcia Wick]

Cleora: 

 

Specific words:  Two brownish-red foxes stood on the walkway running beside
the river flowing under the castle wall.

Try:  Two (russet, copper, chestnut) foxes crouched on the walkway bordering
the river rushing under the castle wall.

 

Use contraction, casual dialogue:  “There is nothing there

Try:  “There’s nothing there

 

Comma placement:  piercing, beady black, eyes

Try:  piercing, beady, black eyes

 

Typo:  Tilting his head bac,

Try:  Tilting his head back,

 

Redundant:  Slowly Grasshopper's head began to clear.

Try:  Slowly, Grasshopper's head cleared.

Or

Grasshopper's head began to clear.

 

Show emotion:  He thought it might come off completely

Try:  He feared it might come off completely

 

Delete “just”:  They were just behind an ivory colored throne

Try:  They were behind an ivory-colored throne

 

“herself”:  she flapped hard to lift her and Grasshopper into the air

Try:  she flapped hard to lift herself and Grasshopper into the air

 

Avoid “sitting”:  Sitting made the short flight and landed neatly behind a
pile of scrolls and a crystal ball sitting on the table.

Try:  Sitting made the short flight and landed neatly on the table behind a
pile of scrolls and a crystal ball.

 

Obvious:  as he struggled to open the door enough to come through.

Try:  as he struggled to open the door.

 

Dialogue set apart with blank lines


 

Reword:  Sitting began to look around

Try:  Sitting looked around

 

Quote inside quote?:  “What do you mean, former?”

Try:  “What do you mean, ‘formerly’?”

 

Redundant:  Sitting stared at the Crystal Ball uncertain what to think. She
didn't understand any of this. With each new bit of information she felt
more confused.

Try:  Sitting stared at the Crystal Ball uncertain what to think. With each
new bit of information she felt more confused.

 

Too many “halls”:  Grasshopper hopped up on the guard rail that ran along
the hallway. Then, he ran along the rail toward the stairs where another
hall ran perpendicular to the hall that led to the command center. He looked
down the hallway and the stairs. “Looks clear,” he said.

 

Unfamiliar use of “knocked”:  knocked and ready to fire.

 

Stronger:  At first it seemed to be moving ok.

Try:  It seemed to move ok.

Or

At first, it moved OK.

 

Look, looked, looking, see, seeing

Be specific(look at scrolls, read  scrolls)

Peer, gaze, stare, blink, gawk


She looked around frantically.

Try:  Frantic,she swung her head left to right.

 

Sally:

 

More direct:  During the decades my vision slipped away, I dreams of having
a guide dog in my life. My imaginary dog cheered me immeasurably  and kept
me company as I grappled


 

Redundant:  my dream became a reality when I was fortunate enough to receive
my first guide dog

Try:  my dream came true when I received my first guide dog

 

Need blank line between paragraphs

 

Break into two sentences:  A life-long dog lover, I could think of nothing
more comforting and helpful than handling one of these highly trained canine
partners by my side as, together, we navigated the world I could no longer
see. 

Try:  A lifelong dog lover, I could think of nothing more comforting and
helpful than handling one of these highly trained canine partners. I could
navigate the world I could no longer see with a guide dog by my side. 

 

Leonard:

 

Move (or delete)comma:  The Master Artisan came to call upon Lord Forester,
who had been expecting her, for the news had

Try:  The Master Artisan came to call upon Lord Forester who had been
expecting her, for the news had

 

Cliché:  pretty as a picture 

 

“river” 2X?:  polished river rock sculpted by river millennium fairies

 

Contradictory:  He scrutinized her from top to bottom, trying not to be
obvious.  

 

Style:  three thousandth

Try:  3,000th 

 

Delete adverb:  dipped down slightly

Try:  dipped down

 

Delete adverb:  seemingly wooden face

Try:  wooden face

 

More direct:  his shoulders relaxing slightly more.

Try:  his shoulders relaxing.

 

Reword:  she said mockingly.

Try:  she mocked. (or she said, mocking him like a parrot)

 

Delete “practically”:  Dee practically floated up behind him

Try:  Dee floated up behind him

 

More active, two sentences:  It excited her, and she hardly noticed the
passage of time until the pegasus flew steeply down toward the castle which
appeared to be a mountain, densely covered in landscaped vegetation and
waterfalls. 

Try:  Excited, she lost track of time until the pegasus flew steeply down
toward a mountain. Dense vegetation and waterfalls disguised the castle. 

 

Delete “seemed to”:  they seemed to melt into his body and became invisible.

Try:  they melted into his body, becoming invisible.

 

One or the other:  I’m in the mood and need for refreshment.

Try:  I’m in the mood for refreshment.

Or

I need refreshment.

 

Simplify:  Dee was fishing for information about how he might have changed
in his feeling about her after a thousand years.  

Try:  Dee was fishing for information about how his feeling for her might
have changed after a thousand years.  

 

Less than:  I must be gone in no less than thirty to fifty years.”  

Try:  I must be gone in 30 to 50 years.”  

 

Deanna:

 

Redundant “example” and “illustration”:  An example of how much time and
care a guide dog can require can be illustrated by sharing the story of what
happened when I attempted to give Griffin his spring bath. 

Try:  What happened when I attempted to give Griffin his spring bath
illustrates how much time and care a guide dog can require. 

 

instead of semicolon:  I gathered all of my equipment; shampoo, zoom groom
rubber brush, bar of flea soap, old towels, dog cologne and conditioner. 

Try:  I gathered all of my equipment - shampoo, zoom groom rubber brush, bar
of flea soap, old towels, dog cologne and conditioner. 

 

Tense:  My shower head is one of those

Try:  My shower head was one of those

 

Tense, “pretty”:  This area is usually pretty fragrant

Try:  This area was fragrant

 

Transition to new topic:  I was able to get some writing done and published.

Try:  Meanwhile, I completed and published some writing.

 

Delete “some”:  Griffin displayed some new talents.

Try:  Griffin displayed new talents.

 

Insert comma:  One day we took the children

Try:  One day, we took the children

 

Delete “up”:  Griffin tried to launch himself up over a chain link fence

Try:  Griffin tried to launch himself over a chain link fence

 

Typo “enter”:  Next to inter the tunnel was a kitty

Try:  Next to enter the tunnel was a kitty

 

Specify “etc.”:  if we were going to buy a house, land etc.

Try:  if we were going to buy a house, land, and support our family


 

Love the poem!

 

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