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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora: <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Specific words: Two brownish-red foxes stood on the walkway running beside the river flowing under the castle wall.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: Two (russet, copper, chestnut) foxes crouched on the walkway bordering the river rushing under the castle wall.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use contraction, casual dialogue: “There is nothing there<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: “There’s nothing there<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Comma placement: piercing, beady black, eyes<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: piercing, beady, black eyes<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Typo: Tilting his head bac,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Tilting his head back,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Redundant: Slowly Grasshopper's head began to clear.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Slowly, Grasshopper's head cleared.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Grasshopper's head began to clear.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Show emotion: He thought it might come off completely<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: He feared it might come off completely<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “just”: They were just behind an ivory colored throne<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: They were behind an ivory-colored throne<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“herself”: she flapped hard to lift her and Grasshopper into the air<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: she flapped hard to lift herself and Grasshopper into the air<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Avoid “sitting”: Sitting made the short flight and landed neatly behind a pile of scrolls and a crystal ball sitting on the table.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: Sitting made the short flight and landed neatly on the table behind a pile of scrolls and a crystal ball.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Obvious: as he struggled to open the door enough to come through.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: as he struggled to open the door.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Dialogue set apart with blank lines…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: Sitting began to look around<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Sitting looked around<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Quote inside quote?: “What do you mean, former?”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: “What do you mean, ‘formerly’?”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Redundant: Sitting stared at the Crystal Ball uncertain what to think. She didn't understand any of this. With each new bit of information she felt more confused.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Sitting stared at the Crystal Ball uncertain what to think. With each new bit of information she felt more confused.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Too many “halls”: Grasshopper hopped up on the guard rail that ran along the hallway. Then, he ran along the rail toward the stairs where another hall ran perpendicular to the hall that led to the command center. He looked down the hallway and the stairs. “Looks clear,” he said.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Unfamiliar use of “knocked”: knocked and ready to fire.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Stronger: At first it seemed to be moving ok.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: It seemed to move ok.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>At first, it moved OK.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Look, looked, looking, see, seeing<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Be specific(look at scrolls, read scrolls)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Peer, gaze, stare, blink, gawk…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She looked around frantically.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Frantic,she swung her head left to right.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Sally:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=right style='text-align:right'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=right style='text-align:right'>More direct: During the decades my vision slipped away, I dreams of having a guide dog in my life. My imaginary dog cheered me immeasurably and kept me company as I grappled…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=right style='text-align:right'>Redundant: my dream became a reality when I was fortunate enough to receive my first guide dog<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=right style='text-align:right'>Try: my dream came true when I received my first guide dog<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=right style='text-align:right'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=right style='text-align:right'>Need blank line between paragraphs<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=right style='text-align:right'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=right style='text-align:right'>Break into two sentences: A life-long dog lover, I could think of nothing more comforting and helpful than handling one of these highly trained canine partners by my side as, together, we navigated the world I could no longer see. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=right style='text-align:right'>Try: A lifelong dog lover, I could think of nothing more comforting and helpful than handling one of these highly trained canine partners. I could navigate the world I could no longer see with a guide dog by my side. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Move (or delete)comma: The Master Artisan came to call upon Lord Forester, who had been expecting her, for the news had<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: The Master Artisan came to call upon Lord Forester who had been expecting her, for the news had<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Cliché: pretty as a picture <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“river” 2X?: <span style='color:black'>polished river rock sculpted by river millennium fairies<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Contradictory: He scrutinized her from top to bottom, trying not to be obvious. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Style: <span style='color:black'>three thousandth<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: 3,000<sup>th</sup> <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete adverb: <span style='color:black'>dipped down slightly<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: dipped down<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete adverb: <span style='color:black'>seemingly wooden face<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: wooden face<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>More direct: his shoulders <span style='color:black'>relaxing slightly more.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: his shoulders relaxing.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Reword: she said mockingly.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: she mocked. (or she said, mocking him like a parrot)<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “practically”: <span style='color:black'>Dee practically floated up behind him<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: Dee floated up behind him<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>More active, two sentences: It excited her, and she hardly noticed the passage of time until the pegasus flew steeply down toward the castle which appeared to be a mountain, densely covered in landscaped vegetation and waterfalls. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: Excited, she lost track of time until the pegasus flew steeply down toward a mountain. Dense vegetation and waterfalls disguised the castle. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'> <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Delete “seemed to”: they seemed to melt into his body and became invisible.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: they melted into his body, becoming invisible.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>One or the other: I’m in the mood and need for refreshment.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: I’m in the mood for refreshment.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Or<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>I need refreshment.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Simplify: Dee was fishing for information about how he might have changed in his feeling about her after a thousand years. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: Dee was fishing for information about how his feeling for her might have changed after a thousand years. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Less than: I must be gone in no less than thirty to fifty years.” <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: I must be gone in 30 to 50 years.” <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify'>Redundant “example” and “illustration”: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>An example of how much time and care a guide dog can require can be illustrated by sharing the story of what happened when I attempted to give Griffin his spring bath. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify'>Try: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>What happened when I attempted to give Griffin his spring bath illustrates how much time and care a guide dog can require. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>instead of semicolon: I gathered all of my equipment; shampoo, zoom groom rubber brush, bar of flea soap, old towels, dog cologne and conditioner. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: I gathered all of my equipment - shampoo, zoom groom rubber brush, bar of flea soap, old towels, dog cologne and conditioner. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Tense: My shower head is one of those<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: My shower head was one of those<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Tense, “pretty”: This area is usually pretty fragrant<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: This area was fragrant<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Transition to new topic: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I was able to get some writing done and published.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: Meanwhile, I completed and published some writing.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “some”: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Griffin displayed some new talents.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: Griffin displayed new talents.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>One day we took the children<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: One day, we took the children<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “up”: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Griffin tried to launch himself up over a chain link fence<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: Griffin tried to launch himself over a chain link fence<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Typo “enter”: Next to inter the tunnel was a kitty<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Next to enter the tunnel was a kitty<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Specify “etc.”: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>if we were going to buy a house, land etc.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: if we were going to buy a house, land, and support our family…<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Love the poem!<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>