[Critique Group 1] Sally's June comments

[Sally Rosenthal]

Sally's June comments:

DeAnna: I remember reading the first piece before and commenting on how much
I liked the humor and how thoroughly you understand and love dogs.  I think
the other two pieces were equally good.  I can't quite make up my mind,
though, if these three pieces should be in the book.  Yes, they are guide
dog-related, but they seem slightly out of place since other chapters
focused on your specific dogs.  Perhaps as an addendum?

Marcia: I learned something new about weather in this piece and liked the
way you incorporated the meteorological information into the essay.  In the
sentence about settling at the table, you need to change the part about your
father in two ways.  First, settling at the table, followed as it is with me
with my lunch and him with his breakfast, it would flow better if you
replaced the next part with something about you before describing your
father's action with the newspaper.  The he sounds out of place.  You also
need to change happens to happened to be consistent with other past tense
verbs.  I wondered if you needed to explain earlier to the reader why you
needed to hurry to your father's home.  You do give clues such as his eating
breakfast while you eat lunch and the mention of his caregiver, though.  I
would also suggest changing in his 94 year old life to in his 94 years.
While I liked the playfulness of the ending, I think the piece ended too
quickly and needed a bit more wrapping up.

Leonard:  Was this poem inspired by Freedom Day or something else?  I think
the theme and presentation of the argument are excellent and well thought
out.  One thing I wonder about: Who is the narrator?  I take him to be a
white male since women had no vote and very little social or political power
during the days of slavery.  However, if the crimes are ones, as the
narrator suggests, that continue to the present day, the narrator could be
any white person, male or female.  Would immigrants also be included since
certain groups were also discriminated against, although not to the same
extent.  While the narrator has a change of heart , it comes about quickly
within a few lines and seems not grounded.  I think this poem could be
expanded to also include more responses.  Otherwise, a very good and
thought-provoking poem.

Cleora: I ran out of time before the call and didn't write down my comments
about the latest installment of Sitting's adventures.  I did, however,
comment on the piece during the call.  The problem is that now I can't
remember what I said.  Many apologies.

 

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