[Critique Group 1] Marcia's notes from November

[Marcia Wick]

Thought I sent this, but maybe not!

Have we heard from Deanna?

 

 

Cleora

 

Word choice:  a crippled grasshopper

Try:  a grasshopper with a broken wing

(mentioned earlier? He seems very nimble hopping in and out)

 

Delete "whole":  in her whole life

Try:  in her life

 

Delete comma:  The fish, first was stunned

Try:  The fish first was stunned

 

Page 1 almost perfect with blank spaces between dialogue (speakers)!!!

Missed some blank lines toward end

 

Good imagery - She sat down and stretched her head and neck out on the
ground.(like in a gauntlet.

 

Put thought in quotes or reword:  Was that a tear trickling down? he
wondered.

Try:  "Was that a tear trickling down?" he wondered.

Or

He wondered if that was a tear trickling down.

 

Delete "all":  began looking all around

Try:  began looking around

 

More active?:  started looking around again

Try:  looked around 

 

More active:  I will be talking to you again later,"

Try:  I'll talk to you later,"

 

Belabor the visor - very clever detail but too much, consolidate

 

Leonard

 

Change preposition:  not just by eyes fronting my visage,

Try:  not just with eyes fronting my visage,

 

Insert comma:  Then one day

Try:  Then one day,

 

Various alternatives to "eyes" for variety - sight, view, vision.

 

"Learned used 2X - use another word?

 

Deanna

 

Use numbers above nine:  spin me into a hundred and eighty degree turn and
back on to the curb

Try:  spin me 180-degrees to get back on to the curb

 

Two prepositions?:  out along a county road

Try:  along a county road

 

Combine in one word:  side walks

Try:  sidewalks

 

Reword (vicinity of what?):  When we arrived in the vicinity

Try:  When we neared our destination

 

Two prepositions:  sail on by

Try:  sail by

 

Reword:  move off slowly grumbling argumentatively under his breath

Try:  move off slowly, grumbling under his breath

 

Start new paragraph after quote:  go back!" When we

Try:  go back!" 

 

When we

 

Delete adverb:  All it took to completely break his focus

Try:  All it took to break his focus

 

Use numberals above nine:  When Gentry was nearly ten

Try:  When Gentry was nearly 10

 

Delete "just":  I couldn't just work him when I knew he was in pain

Try:  I couldn't work him when I knew he was in pain

 

Reword "made":  a spit of land made where the canal made a turn.

Try:  a spit of land made where the canal turned.

 

 

 

 

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