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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Thought I sent this, but maybe not!<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Have we heard from Deanna?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Word choice: a crippled grasshopper<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: a grasshopper with a broken wing<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>(mentioned earlier? He seems very nimble hopping in and out)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Delete “whole”: in her whole life<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: in her life<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Delete comma: The fish, first was stunned<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: The fish first was stunned<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Page 1 almost perfect with blank spaces between dialogue (speakers)!!!<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Missed some blank lines toward end<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Good imagery - She sat down and stretched her head and neck out on the ground.(like in a gauntlet…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Put thought in quotes or reword: Was that a tear trickling down? he wondered.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: “Was that a tear trickling down?” he wondered.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>He wondered if that was a tear trickling down.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Delete “all”: began looking all around<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: began looking around<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>More active?: started looking around again<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: looked around <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>More active: I will be talking to you again later,”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: I’ll talk to you later,”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Belabor the visor – very clever detail but too much, consolidate<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Change preposition: <span style='color:black'>not just by eyes fronting my visage,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: <span style='color:black'>not just with eyes fronting my visage,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: <span style='color:black'>Then one day<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: Then one day,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Various alternatives to “eyes” for variety – sight, view, vision…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“Learned used 2X – use another word?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use numbers above nine: spin me into a hundred and eighty degree turn and back on to the curb<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: spin me 180-degrees to get back on to the curb<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Two prepositions?: out along a county road<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: along a county road<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Combine in one word: side walks<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: sidewalks<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword (vicinity of what?): When we arrived in the vicinity<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: When we neared our destination<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Two prepositions: sail on by<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: sail by<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: move off slowly grumbling argumentatively under his breath<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: move off slowly, grumbling under his breath<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Start new paragraph after quote: go back!” When we<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: go back!” <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>When we<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete adverb: All it took to completely break his focus<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: All it took to break his focus<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use numberals above nine: When Gentry was nearly ten<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: When Gentry was nearly 10<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “just”: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I couldn't just work him when I knew he was in pain<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: I couldn't work him when I knew he was in pain<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword “made”: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>a spit of land made where the canal made a turn.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: a spit of land made where the canal turned.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>