[Critique Group 1] Marcia's December notes

[Marcia Wick]

Leonard

 

Ode to Flaws? Plural?

Use of articles?:  Gyroscope spins in perfect balance 

Try:  A gyroscope spins in perfect balance 

Or

Gyroscopes spin in perfect balance 

 

Punctuation - try:  

Moves in stillness without notice, 

The dweller lives in consummate peace.

Tense:  Moves in stillness without notice.

Try:  Moving in stillness without notice.

 

Sally

 

Clarify, remember tea?:  Much older now, I sit

And gratefully remember,

A cup of ginger tea

And a contented cat's purrs

As company on this tranquil night.

 

Try:  Much older now, I sit,

A cup of ginger tea

And a contented cat's purrs

As company on this tranquil night 

While I gratefully remember.

Cleora

 

Share the sentiment

I like the first one better

Love the twitter line

 

Deanna

 

I always enjoy your animal POV stories.

Sweet and sentimental - just like your teacher discouraged.

 

Delete "just":  I was just a kitten

Try:  I was a kitten

 

Insert comma:  Even though I was crouched and kept very still she spotted
me.

Try:  Even though I was crouched and kept very still, she spotted me.

 

Delete "very":  very still

Try:  still as stone

 

Delete "about":  Although Becca was only about ten years old

Try:  Although Becca was only ten years old

 

Insert commas:  Her mother Ivy came home

Try:  Her mother, Ivy, came home

 

Whose lap?:  to place me in her lap.

 

Whose prayer?:  when we heard the end of her bedtime prayer

 

Opening quote:  What will you give for those ribbons?"

Try:  "What will you give for those ribbons?"

 

Spell out eighth, insert comma:  Nearing the end of my 8th life I have no
regrets.

Try:  Nearing the end of my eighth life, I have no regrets.

 

Poem first? Not sure..

 

No blank lines between paragraphs

 

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://bluegrasspals.com/pipermail/group1/attachments/20191229/e9fb5a1b/attachment.html>