[Critique Group 1] Marcia's notes from March

[Marcia Wick]

My apologies if I didn't send these:

 

Cleora:

Use Quote marks for thoughts:  Grasshopper, she thought, can you hear me?

Try:  "Grasshopper," she thought, "can you hear me?"

 

Overuse "flew":  Quickly, she turned and flew back The way she had come. The
archer was standing in the doorway knocking an arrow. She flew toward his
head making him duck. Then, turning She flew with all her might toward the
hall to the command center.

Try:  She rotated, flying back The way she had come. The archer was standing
in the doorway knocking an arrow. She dived at his head, forcing him to
duck. Turning again, She beat her wings toward the hall to the command
center.

 

Reword:  She heard footsteps running up behind her.

try:  She flinched at the sound of footsteps running toward her. 

 

Reword "place" stronger:  She saw the man reach down, pick up Grasshopper,
place him in a box, and put the box in his satchel. Then, he pulled out a
bag. Placing the bag beside her,

Try:  She watched the man reach down, pick up Grasshopper, place him in a
box, and put the box in his satchel. Then, he pulled out a bag, dropping it
beside her,

 

Delete quotes:  "The Cristal Pond."

Try:  The Cristal Pond.

 

Delete "it":  She remembered the words of the army commander about how easy
it would be to scare her into surrender.

Try:  She remembered the words of the army commander about how easy she
would be to scare into surrender.

 

Let down:  she had let people who were counting on her down.

Try:  she had let down people who were counting on her.

 

Show, don't tell:  Sitting heard footsteps moving away from her. Then, the
click of a door closing followed by silence.

Try:  Sitting listened as the footsteps receded and a door clicked closed,
followed by silence.

 

 

Leonard:

arsing words! Mocking me? HAHA

 

Invert title:  Sailing to Key Biscayne or Go Take a Sail

Try:  Go Take a Sail or Sailing to Key Biscayne 

 

Love line - change punctuation:  It is more that you are taken.

Although, it is true you tend to go,

actually, it really is a going.

 

Try:  It is more that you are taken,

Although, it is true you tend to go;

actually, it really is a going.

 

A nuanced thing!

?

 

 

Sally:

Use semicolon:  Buried his brush in a neighbor's garden, from the gentle
mastiffs

Try:  Buried his brush in a neighbor's garden; from the gentle mastiffs. By
her late sister at Crufts; from the family. tree; to.

 

Might delete some commas

 

Love last line standing alone

 

 

Deanna:

 

More direct:  Whenever I am frightened by circumstances or situations I land
myself in because of my blindness,

Try:  When I land in frightening situations because of my blindness,

 

Reword more direct:  These words probably mean something different to me,
because for all of my adult years, I have shared my journey through life
with a Seeing Eye guide dog. I haven't had to face the world alone.

Try:  These words are meaningful to me because I have shared my entire adult
journey with a Seeing Eye guide dog, so I haven't had to walk in the dark
alone.

 

Who? transition:  Olsen was also struggling with loss

try:  It turned out that Olsen, my newest partner,  was also struggling with
loss.

 

Reword:  Then he had suddenly lost the man he had come to care for and been
passed around like a foster child from one trainer to another.

Try:  Then, he suddenly lost the man he had come to care for, and was passed
around like a foster child from one trainer to another.

 

Reword:  with a serious focused dignified manner.

Consider:  with a serious focus and dignified manner.

 

Capitalize initial letter:  in the center of the lobby

Try:  In the center of the lobby

 

Simplify:  in the center of the lobby of the hotel where my talk was to be
held, was a U-shaped arrangement of furniture. I knew that the room I needed
to locate was in a corridor  leading off the back of the lobby. Olsen walked
straight ahead and I found my path blocked by a long sofa. Since I didn't
know that we had entered a horseshoe and were now at the bottom of it, I
told Olsen to "Find the Way."

Try:  I needed to locate the room where my talk was to be held, down a
corridor  across the lobby. Olsen walked straight ahead and I found my path
blocked by a long sofa. I didn't know that we had entered a U-shaped
arrangement of furniture and were now at the bottom of the horseshoe, I told
Olsen to "Find the Way."

 

Insert "being":  she went from twenty-twenty vision to able to see only a
small slice

Try:  she went from having twenty-twenty vision to being able to see only a
small slice

 

Insert commas:  I gained too by our friendship.

Try:  I gained, too, from  our friendship.

 

Insert asterisks or # signs at end of poem:  * * *

 

The Company We Keep

 

Vertical tab:  I was able to take along three
co-workers

 

 

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