[Critique Group 1] Leonard's comments re: Sally's Sept piece

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

Clear and consice. Strong message.  I like the refrain.

 

Laundry can wait;

·       Good opening.

My dog needs me as

He curls beside me and sighs 

while I stroke his soft ears.

·       Good flow of sybillants. 

 

E-mail can wait;

My dog needs me as

he wanders our home searching

For my husband’s retired service dog.

 

Phone calls can wait;

My dog needs me when,

lost without his canine friend,

·       The occasional rhyme works well.

He gnaws a bone, attempting consolation.

 

Dinner can wait;

My dog needs me when

He snatches his favorite toy from me

And tugs with wagging tail. 

·       How can you tug with a tail       ? (Just kidding)

 

Everything can wait;

My dog and I need each other as

·       I love the change in the refrain. (need eachother.)

We step into the future with full hearts.

·       Does full hearts mean full of emotions?

 

 

                                               Sally

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