[Critique Group 1] Leonard's comments on Sally's piece

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

This poem is beautiful in the way it captures a mood by its story telling and descriptions.  My suggestions are based on my obsession for melody and rhythm.  I also think the piece would benefit from a greater conservation of words.

 

EACH DAY A BLESSING

good title.

 

 

The jangle of her collar and

The click of toenails on the kitchen floor

Leave out (the)

Flood me with relief in the pre-dawn.

Again, leave out (the).

Today will not be the day I wake my husband

Try,Today is not the day.

With the news his service dog has died.

Leave out (the).

Nearly fourteen, she has survived another night,

Rising, albeit stiffly, despite the indignities of old age.

Leave out, (albeit).

 

Her soft muzzle touches my hand expectantly

Leave out, (expectantly).

For the biscuit I offer each morning.

Following a crunch, her nose sniffs my hand again,

You don’t need (her nose). What else is she going to sniff with? Simply say, “She sniffs my hand again.”

Her tail thumping against a cabinet as

Another treat slips into her eager mouth.

Two old ladies with their quiet ritual

One of your  best lines.

Of biscuits and coffee greet the dawn.

I would consider using  (greeting) instead of (greet).

 

Her nose insistently bumps my arm for a third treat.

Try (her insistant nose).

I give it, along with an admonishment of 

“No more!” in mock severity, showing empty hands.

She licks my fingers in thanks or

In search of crumbs and pads down the hall

try, In search of crumbs, pads down the hall.) Put a comma after crumbs.

While, smiling, I reach for my mug.

Leave out (While).

 

                                                                                                            Sally Rosenthal 

 
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