[Critique Group 1] Sally's June comments

[Sally Rosenthal]

June comments from Sally:

Leonard: While I thought the environmental theme was important and
well-presented, the ending was confusing.  I didn't understand how the bees
got between the two sheets of plastic.  It seemed ironic that, in a
greenhouse signifying life and growth, that two bees died.  Was this death
meant to signify another environmental disaster on a small scale? I was also
confused about how the last line connected to the rest of the poem. 

DeAnna: Like all the previous chapters, this one is well-written and
descriptive of the continuing role Tammy played in your life.  However, I
found that there seemed to be no central theme.  There was a lot of personal
information and information about guide dogs in general, but there needed to
be some way of unifying all of it.  I think that transistional phrases to
link paragraphs would have helped.  When describing Tammy, you refer to her
as "she". However, you refer to a guide dog in general as "it." Dogs are
sentient beings and need to be acknowledged as such.

Cleora: I really enjoyed this piece and found it whimsical and a good
beginning to a fairy tale.  The descriptions were imaginative and really
came alive - I loved the image of the little duck plodding down the road and
how he interacted with all of his potential food sources.  I wonder,
however, how the duck, with the grasshopper in his mouth, could reply to the
insect.  One thing I saw in at least one place was the need for using the
subjenctive, i.e. "If I was" should be "If I were." Looking forward to the
next parts.

Marcia: Marcia, what can I say except that I wish with all my heart that you
and your daughters had never met this man? You are to be commended for
believing your daughter; many parents don't or choose to look the other way.
The line about a vulture and his prey was perfect and led the reader in the
right direction. I am so glad you found the courage to share this with us.
That is a step towards healing.  I really want to tell you not to blame
yourself in any way for giving this man a second chance.  You were as much a
victim as your daughter.  These pedophiles are master manipulators and play
on anyone's weaknesses or needs. You are only human.  He, however, is a much
lower life form.  Please be as kind to yourself as you would be to someone
else and let the guilt go. If you keep it, he still has some power over you.
Thank you for being the courageous woman you are.

 

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