[Critique Group 1] submission for 11/29/17 (november) critique session

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

Introductory information. In a previous story, D'Jonna and her family are introduced. She lives in a walled community where everyone is blind. Her parants are scientists and her mother discovered some manuscripts written in a foreign language. She has been working on translating them and the manuscript talks about people who can see.
D'Jonna got a bicycle and sure that she could ride it without all the safeguards,she disabled them and ran into the wall surrounding the community and bent the front wheel on her bike. 
She is about 15 years old.
The forbidden zone is the area outside the walls of the community that is near a road traveled by motor vehicles. 

3360 words

D'Jonna And The Road Monster 

by Sly Duck

D'Jonna lay hidden under the tarp in the back of the supply trailer as it traveled deeper and deeper into the Forbidden Zone.  Every few feet, a sound buoy automatically dropped from the trailer to mark their return path to the community.  D'Jonna had counted five so far.  

"I'm sure that if we can find the building mentioned in the ancient manuscripts I've been translating, we can prove that there was once a race of people with a sense called sight," her mother was saying.

"What is sight?" asked one of the two other scientists.

"I'm not sure," said her mother, "I'm hoping to find some clues about that in the building."

"I hope you're right, Joyce," said the other scientist.  "If you're wrong, we will all be in a heap of trouble for venturing out into the forbidden zone."

"I know, John, and you don't know how much I appreciate the faith you and Jack have shown.  I'm sure you will not be sorry."

D'Jonna had faith in her mother as well.  She had chosen her mother's work on the manuscripts as the subject of her science paper.  When she overheard her mother talking with her fellow scientists about traveling into the Forbidden Zone to try to locate a building referred to in the ancient manuscripts, the chance to go into the Forbidden Zone was more than she could resist.  With the addition of the information from this trip, her teacher would have to admit that she was the obvious choice to go to the science fair.  So, she had stowed away on the trailer when the transport had come to pick up her mother.

The change in the tone of the object probe on the front of the transport brought D'Jonna's attention back to the moment at hand.  The driver stopped peddling and braked the vehicle to a stop.  D'Jonna could hear the irregular ticking of the keys as he ran his finger across the raised dots on his display.

"It's a building,” he said.

There was a whir as one of the scientists started up another machine and listened to the tones as it scan the area.

“It’s the right size and it's in the right place,” he said.

“Okay, let's check it out," said D'Jonna's mother.

There was a brief discussion about what they would take.  Then D'Jonna heard them gather up their equipment and head for the building.  After a while, she heard one of them announce that he had found a door.  There was the creak of rusty hinges and then the muffling of sound as the team went into the building.  D'Jonna could hear the periodic chirp of the sound buoy they had left behind to mark the doorway into the building.

She slip down from her hiding place on the trailer and moved cautiously toward the sound.  Then she stopped.  If she followed too close, they might sense her presence.

She imagined herself giving moment by moment details of the discovery to the envy of the other students as they listened in breathless silence to her adventure in the Forbidden Zone.

She remembered being frightened when her older brother Jeromy used to tell her scary stories about big roaring monsters who lived in the Forbidden Zone and ran along a path called a road.  He told her that if she wasn't good, the monsters would leave the road and come for her.  She shivered a little in the cool breeze and then smiled to herself.  But those were just childish tales.  Her story would be the real thing.

Suddenly, she realized she could no longer hear the research team or any of their instruments.  Her stomach tightened.  “Had she lost them?”

Quickly, she moved toward the sound buoy.  She must find them or there would be no details for her report.

Good.  They left the door open.

She slipped inside and stood perfectly still listening for any sound that would tell her which way the team had gone.  Straight ahead she could hear the chirp of a door marker.  Moving quickly toward it she stopped at the door and listened.

Only the entry marker and the door marker.  She felt sure she was in a hallway but which way had they gone?

Idiot! She scolded herself and reached back to check the door marker.  The left arm was up.  They had gone left.

She turned sharply to her left into the narrow hall.  She felt it must be a long hall.  She didn't sense any obstructions ahead.

She walked briskly along the hall touching the left side gently at regular intervals as she searched for an opening.  She found one on the left just around the first corner but she didn't hear a new marker at this opening so she continued on down the hall.  She followed the same procedure to locate another doorway on the right a few feet down.  No new marker here either.  The sound from the previous door marker was now very faint.  She thought it was strange that they had not left markers at each doorway, but pressed on.  The next doorway was just after she rounded another corner.  She could no longer hear the door marker.  She should now be moving back toward the front of the building.  She continued to follow the hall until she came to the end.  There was an opening on her left.

 She stepped through the opening and listened.  Nothing.  She followed the wall.  First corner.  Second corner.  Third corner.  Forth corner.  She was in a room with only one entrance and there was no one else in the room.  If they had gone through one of the other openings, they would surely have left a marker.  But, they had to have gone into one of them because this was the end of the trail.

Puzzled, she began tracing her way back down the hall.  She found the corner and turned right.  She should be hearing the door marker but there was nothing but silence.

The team must have taken a different path.  She felt her stomach tighten.  The Forbidden Zone was so quiet.  In the community, there was always sound.  The hum of a clock, the beeping and bonging of vehicles on the street outside their house, the meowing of her cat Kitchen, or the thumping of their dog Buster's tale.  In the Forbidden Zone, there was nothing – only silence.

"No reason to be scared," she chastised herself.  "There is nothing to be afraid of.  But which way did they go? She quickened her pace.  She came to a doorway but it was on the right.  That can't be right.  The last doorway had been on the right.  going back the way she had come it should be on the left.  Why couldn't she hear the marker? I should have come to the other corner by now.

She was lost.  How could she be lost? She turned around and started back down the hall.  She turned left at the corner.  She continued down the hall to the end.

She breathed a sigh.

Okay.  She was back at the end of the hall.  She checked.  Yes, there was an opening to her left.

Okay.  She turned around and started back down the hall.  This time she stretched out her arms so she could feel the walls on either side.  After several steps she felt an opening on her right.  The corner? She couldn't hear the door marker.  She continued a few steps.  The hall continued.  Okay, she had missed this opening the first time.  She continued down the hall.  After a while she felt another opening on her right.  She could just hear the faint sound of the door marker.

She turned down the hall toward the sound of the marker.  Retracing her original steps, she got back to the doorway and checked the flag again.

The right flag was up.

Confused she checked again.  Definitely the right flag.

She had been sure it was the left flag that had been up.  If they had come back to the original marker, she would have run into them.  Unless, they had gone down the opening she missed and came back and went down the hall the other way while she was in the room at the end of the hall.

Oh well, she just made a mistake.  Then she realized.  She couldn't hear the marker buoy at the opening to the building.

Had they already come back? Again she felt panic.  If they had already left, she would be there all alone with no idea how to get back to the community.  How long would it take them to miss her and figure out what had happened?

She quickly started across the room to where the front door should be, but there wasn't an opening.  She felt for a door handle realizing they would have closed the door when they left.  She searched the wall for the door, but there wasn't a door anywhere along the wall.  Now totally confused, she felt cold all over.  She was lost and no one even knew she was there.  She fought to keep calm.  She just needed to check around her for clues as to where she was.  Then she realized there was something else in the room.  She cautiously moved toward it.  As she came close, she reached out and touched something hard with a sharp edge.  

There was some kind of table like object next to the door she had come through.  She ran her hand along a bar connecting the legs.

"That wasn't there before," she accused.  "What kind of place is this where objects give no warning sound?" She ran her hand along the top of the table.  There was a strange object like nothing she had ever felt before on top of it.  The object had several small levers in front that moved up and down as she pressed on them.  She found that if she pressed the levers very fast the object would make a tapping sound and a cylinder like bar at the top of the object would jump to the left.  She gave a little giggle and hit another lever.  She was still playing with the device when she heard her watch chime the hour.  Panic welled up within her.  She knew that the team would not stay long on this first trip.  She had probably already missed any discoveries they had made, but right now she had to find them.  Fear clouded her thinking as she tried to remember how she had gotten to where she was.  It took several minutes before she discovered another door on the other side of the one she had come through.

"Ahah!" she hissed under her breath.  "I guess I'll keep that possibility in mind from now on." Confidently, she retraced her steps until she came to what she was sure was the doorway she had come in but there was no buoy there and the door was closed.  Had she taken a wrong turn? She opened the door and went through.  The cool breeze on her face told her she was outside.

She listened for the marker buoy but there was only the sound of the wind rustling through the vegetation.  She knelt down and examined the ground in front of her.  Yes, there were tracks.  She walked out a little ways until she found where the transport and trailer had been parked.

A cold chill ran up her spine as she realized what must have happened.  The team had finished their research and had either moved on or returned to the community.  They had left without her and had taken the marker buoys with them.  There was no way she could get home now.

Her stomach growled and she remembered the lunch she had brought with her.  The lunch she had left on the trailer.  In despair, she slid down the wall of the building into a sitting position on the sand.

What would she do.  They didn’t know she had gone with them so when she was missed, they would not know where to look for her.  Eventually, they would discover the lunch she had left on the trailer and figure out she had stowed away and come looking for her.  She just had to be patient and wait.

Suddenly, she heard a loud roaring sound coming rapidly toward her.  She was almost grateful for the sound, but she had never heard anything so loud and fast.  The sound seemed to pass through her skin and vibrate her insides.  She wanted to run away.  

“Was it one of the road monsters coming to get her because she had disobeyed her parents, and stowed away on the trailer? What would it do if it found her? Maybe if she remained perfectly still and made no sound, it wouldn't notice her.”

She froze waiting for It to pass.  But it didn't pass.  It stopped beside her and then seemed to die.  She waited motionless.

"Hello." 

The voice seemed to be no more than a few inches from her.

D'Jonna remained motionless.

Suddenly she felt a push.  "Why don't you answer me?" asked the voice again.

Overwhelmed with fear, She turned quickly to run back into the building.  Too late she remembered she had closed the door behind her.

Thud!

Her hand went to her nose.

"It usually works better if you open the door," said the voice in an amused tone.

She could feel a warm body very close behind her.

She whirled around.

Something grasp her wrists tightly.  Screaming and kicking she fought to get away.

Suddenly, it released her.  She scrambled to her feet and ran away as fast as she could.  In spite of the fact that she had her arms stretched out in front of her, she ran clumsily into something hard.  It fell away from her as she stumbled and landed on top of the irregular object.  It felt like a large heavy bike.

“Hey,” shouted the voice behind her.  “What are you trying to do? Kill yourself?”

Someone grasped her from behind and pulled her up and away from the object.

"What's the matter with you? Are you blind?" It sounded angry

D'Jonna stood there silently trembling.  She felt scared and alone in this horrible unfriendly world where there were big loud monsters that knew where you were even when you didn't make any sound and objects that gave no warning.  Tears began to well up in her eyes.

D'Jonna felt a slight breeze in front of her face as if she was being fanned.  She jerked her head back.

“Don’t be afraid,” the thing said.  “I won’t hurt you.”

D’Jonna felt a light touch on her shin.

“Ouch,” she shouted and struck out at the object that touched her.  What she hit was soft and felt like an arm.

“Hey, stop that," the thing shouted.  “I’m just trying to help.”

"No, you're not.  You’re one of the roaring monsters from the road.  You’ve come to get me.

"I'm what?" asked the voice.  "What roaring monsters?"

"You were roaring when you came up."

"Roaring?" There was a moment of silence.

"Oh, you mean my bike."

"Bikes don't roar," retorted D'Jonna.

More silence.

“I guess it could seem that way to someone who can't see,” said the voice.

D'Jonna remembered what her mother had said about the people in the manuscripts.  She fought against her fear.  Had she discovered one of the sighted ones? Rather, had one of them discovered her?

"No one can see," she said.  "That's just a myth."

After some dialog, D'Jonna learned that the monster's name was John and he wasn't a monster at all.  He told her how almost everyone where he came from could see and the loud noise was a machine like a bicycle that had a motor on it.

"Your bike can go by itself?" asked D'Jonna in amazement.

"Well, sort of," he said.  "It has a motor so I don't have to peddle it, but I still have to steer it and until it gets going, I have to hold it up."

"I have had a bike," said D'Jonna.  "But I have to peddle it.  Its wheel is bent so now I can't ride it until it's fixed."

"You ride a bike?" asked John.  "But you can't see.  How do you keep from running into things?

"It's easy," she said.  "Almost everyone has a bike or a buggy.  That's a family bike," she explained.  "As soon as we are twelve we can apply for a license and get a bike to ride on the channels.  The turns send out a whirring noise when we get close so we know there is a turn."

"Don't you run into each other?" asked John.

"No," said D'Jonna.  "There is a raised area in the middle of the channel and a wire that sticks out from the frame scrapes the raised area and lets us know when we are getting too close to one side or the other."

"What about when the channels cross or when you want to turn?" asked John.

"Well, when we get close to the intersection, there is a dingging noise.  Then we listen for the sound of another vehicle.  If we don't hear anything, we can go on through the intersection.  If we hear a noise, we are supposed to stop and let the other vehicle go by."

"What if two of you are coming at the same time?"

"Well, we both stop and then the smaller vehicle gets to go first unless the other vehicle is an emergency vehicle.  They always have the right-of-way."

"How do you know what kind of vehicle it is?"

"Each kind of vehicle has its own sound."

John explained to D'Jonna about traffic lights, different kinds of traffic signs, cars, and other things about his world.

"Wow," said D'Jonna.  "That sounds complicated."

"It's really not. Yours is the world that is complicated," said John.

Suddenly, D'Jonna felt a movement in the air like John was turning.

"What?" she asked.

"Someone’s coming," he said.

D'Jonna listened.  She heard the faint sound of a transport far away in the distance.

"That's a transport," said D'Jonna.  "It carries several people and you can pull a trailer with it.  That’s how I got out here.   They must be coming back to look for me."

"How come they didn't know you were on it," asked John.

"I was really quiet and I took the bells off my shoes so they wouldn’t hear me," said D'Jonna.

"But you're out in plain sight." There was a pause.  "Oh, yeh," he added.  "They couldn't see you."

"D'Jonna thought she heard a smile in his voice.  She giggled when she thought about his world.  He would never have been able to stow away the way she did.  Then she realized that if they found him they would want to take him back to the community and study him and she realized that no matter how wonderful it would be to be able to show off her discovery, she didn’t what that to happen to him.

“Quick, take your bike and move away.  Don’t make any sound or they will hear you.”

“But, I thought you were trying to discover people who could see,” he said.

“Yes,” she admitted, “but for now, I just want to keep you to myself.  Okay?”

There was silence while he considered for a while.

“Okay,” he agreed.  “It will be our secret.

D'Jonna's parents were very happy to see her and warned her sternly never to do anything like that again.

“How did you know where I was?” she asked.

“We found your lunch on the trailer,” said her mother.

“Oh, ya 	 ,” said D’Jonna with a giggle.  “By the way, did you bring it with you?”

That night, she lay across her bed thinking about John and his strange world.

“Meow,” said Kitchen as she jumped up beside D’Jonna.

She stroked the kitten soft fur.

Do you think he’s thinking about me too?