[Critique Group 1] Critique group 1 October 2017

[Sally Rosenthal]

Since I eon't know Marcia, I can only assume that the piece is a
first-person account since it has that feel to it.  If not, it is  certainly
a piece of fiction with many details to help the reader understand the
techniques involved in the jump. If fiction, was there a lot of research
involved and how was it done? I should admit that I am terrified of heights,
so the parts that spoke to the fear and reality of the moment really
resonated with me as I imagine they would with other readers. There is a
very real sense of being in the moment with the author. I found the opening
very poignant and thought it was a good beginning for a piece about the
father. However, I think it would improve the story if that sense of
poignancy could be brought in again at the end. As it is, the ending seems
too abrupt, although perhaps it mimics the fast landing. I still believe
that ending the story with some words about her father in the present time
would serve to give a sense of the father and daughter relationship beyond
the jump alone. Just as the explanation of how the jump took place was good,
there were also lines that were very funny and help break the mounting
tension before the jump. The author describes the daughter as being visually
impaired and that she would see none of the landscape during the jump, but
the daughter "watched" her father and the partner going to the door and how
the partner pried the father's fingers from the door. How was she able to
see these things? In one sentence just after the jump, "thrill" and
"thrilling" were used; this is probably due to the rough draft rather than
oversight.  Finally, Marcia, I hope your mother is doing well. I'm not
certain I could have had the concentration to write something like this when
my parents were Ill.

 

Deanna:

I realize that I am probably coming into the middle of a longer project, but
I felt drawn in by the clear descriptions of what having a guide dog means
to one's choice of clothes and footwear. Having had both a black and a
yellow Labrador before my current black guide dog, I think you did an
excellent job of letting readers know about how shedding and cleaning away
dog hair becomes second nature. I doubt that many sighted people even
consider this fact, and you gave them the information in a way that didn't
talk down to them. I was also impressed by your mother's attempts to help
you have fashionable clothes made from thrift store bargains. Even if you
hadn't been blind, the hours you and your mother spent redesigning and
sewing showed a deep love that came through in an everyday task. While I am
not certain who your target audience is, I applaud you for stressing the
importance of looking neat and attractive. Before losing my vision, I had
two blind friends who wore very out-of-date and often stained or mismatched
clothing. While both of these women counted their pennies, neither was
unable to spend money on new clothes. It simply didn't matter or occur to
them that presenting a good appearance was something important.  If your
target audience is college-aged blind women, I believe you, writing as a
peer at the time, have done them a valuable service. Because I am new to the
group, I don't know what came before this piece, so some of my next comments
might have already been clarified in earlier submissions. Why did you grow
up in poverty? How did you, given the financial hardships described, get the
opportunity to attend college? You mentioned losing your vision gradually
and being seven years old. What was the cause of your blindness, and do you
have any residual vision? My only other comment is, "Great shoes!"

 

 

Cleora,

I feel as though Leonard explained why the automative part of your piece
wouldn't work. I have no knowledge to confirm or deny that, but I don't even
know enough about cars and driving to comment. That said, I do have a few
comments. Why didn't the truck driver simply call 911 or some local rescue
group to take his mother in law to the hospital? Money certainly wasn't an
option. I also wonder why the electric car driver chose to drive it at all
since the post office was just a short distance. Was the weather bad when he
made the decision? Did he have a lot of packages to mail or was he simply
going to buy stamps? Otherwise, I feel a little out of my depth, given the
automative theme.

 

Leonard:

When I finished reading this column, I wanted to meet Barney - not  on a
walk with my guide dog Laurence, though. I don't do well with tangled
leashes. I would be like the weevils who wobble as Leonard reminded readers
in such an apt way of the old commercial. Frankly, there is very little in
this piece that I would change. I loved the descriptions of Barney who
sounds like such an affable fellow. Like other visually impaired people, I
can understand and relish the sense of freedom Barney provides Leonard in
his neighborhood. One thing I think a reader might wonder, though, is why
Leonard does not have a guide dog. This isn't a judgment; I simply think a
sentence or two would clarify the issue for readers. As someone who is
married to a service dog handler, I have to comment on the use of the term
"help dog." Service dogs get called many things, but the correct term is
really "service dog." When I came across "snuck", I initially thought that
"sneaked" was the correct past tense of "sneak." However, when doing some
internet research, I discovered that "snuck" has become the variant standard
past tense, brought about by common use.  Thanks, Leonard, for teaching me
something new. All I can say, in summary, is that this is another
well-written piece by Leonard, filled with humor, wise observations, and his
own particular voice. Well done! Sally

 

 

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