[Critique Group 1] Marilyn's critiques for March 1 ession

[Marilyn Smith]

DeAnna:


I suspect this is a true depiction of what newly assigned dogs share 
with each other. It would be cute if some animal animated film person 
could do it with pictures and overlay soundtracks. It might be good to 
use a little more body language from the dogs—ear scratching, tail 
wagging, even winking at each other. I think it's really cute.


Bonnie:


Question: Did she leave her office work to take her nature walk or did 
she wait until the end of the day? She could name some of the people she 
cared about getting together to share nature with her, some of their 
circumstances, etc. I love the descriptions, the sounds, and the things 
that promote a peaceful feeling.


I would not use "gathering the laundry together," change one of those. 
You could try not using Maggie's name so often. If there were too many 
She's, you could have to restructure a sentence now and then. Good piece.


Mary-Jo:


Been there, felt that! Had to know your song. I think people expected it 
to be something god awful, but it was something very popular. That makes 
an even better point once they know what it is. Still, I love the 
frustration of not knowing. If you were a blogger, you would maximize, 
blow up, your list of responders because everyone would want to know, 
and would want to share their similar experience. I really like the 
strategy of making people wonder. Good piece.


Cleora:


I was surprised the apple was familiar when they really hadn't explored 
the tree that much, but you pretty well explained that at the 
conference. It was refreshing to see them as real people in believable 
life situations with responsibilities and challenges and humor. Of 
course Adam emerges the hero, betrayed by his woman who refused to 
follow the rules. I'm not a womens' libber, but I've always hated the 
early blame on women causing the world to have to be punished. Still, 
it's probably a valid submission idea for a religious magazine, or even 
a creative magazine where you can use biblical revisions or expansions. 
I would leave out the bible verse references, I think most people know 
the story. Interesting piece.