[Critique Group 1] Mary-Jo Comments for Last night's Session

[Mary-Jo Lord]

Session 5 Comments

 

## Doghouse Productions presents: School Days, a skit written by DeAnna 

 

This is cute. Students waiting to receive their dog guide are curious about
the dog that will be assigned to them. They wonder if the dog will like them
and be a good match. This shows the other side, if dogs could think and
communicate on the same level as humans. It kind of reminds me of the book,
"The art of Racing in the Rain."

 

I especially like the dog with the owner with the big feet and the golden
that is worried about life on a farm. The hiding bad behavior from trainers
is also cute.

 

Look for space runs in some lines.

 

## Time For A Change

Bonnie

 

I like this. It could be flash fiction or the beginning of a longer story.
You have told us a lot about Maggie, the main character. I think people
think that work at home is a solution, but Maggie shows that you still have
to work and work can be wearing.

 

Check the whole piece for space runs.

 

You have a stray comma here.

Maybe I should get a laptop.  ,  

 

You need a space after the comma here.

doing dishes,gathering the laundry together, and preparing a simple
breakfast she wondered.      

 

"it seemed everyone needed   something,"  Maggie muttered.  I don't even
have time for me.

I think seems might work better.

 

Another fix.

Outside, the  world waited.  filled with glorious colors and sounds, Maggie
couldn't wait to become a part of it.  

Maybe:

Outside, the  world waited,  filled with glorious colors and sounds. Maggie
couldn't wait to become a part of it.  

 

When our meal is finished, I will suggest a walk in beauty.  

Maybe nature's beauty.

 

I really like this and other descriptions of  nature.

She thought  of the stream just down the road and remembered  the music of
the water as it  lapped the rocks as it flowed around her.   She remembered
willow trees, crisp autumn air, and the music of birdsong as she had
walked along.  

 

## Children of Dust

Cleora

 

This is a cute story. I like the idea of Adam riding around on a Pterosaurs
herding and caring for injured animals while Eve is gathering food and
caring for injured birds. 

 

I found the bible quotes distracting to the story.

 

Some fixes.

Pterosaurs' should be Pterosaurs's. It sounds awkward, but since he was
putting ointment on the ear of one Pterosaurs rather than to a group of
them, there should be an apostrophe s.  

 

Okay. We are both correct. Here is what Grammar Girl says. I'll paste the
text, since the website is really busy with adds and sighted bling. I'll
post the link too because her site is a good resource and she has podcasts.

 

almost forgot that the movie Bridget Jones's Baby is coming out this weekend
until my friend Stephanie asked whether it would be Jones' Baby, or Jones's

Baby, or maybe Joneses' Baby. 

 

'Jones' Is Singular 

 

Since it's just Bridget, she is a single Jones. It is the baby of Bridget
Jones. We aren't talking about a family of 

plural Joneses.

 

Bridget Jones's Baby with an apostrophe

 

How to Make 'Jones' Possessive

 

You can properly 

make Jones possessive two different ways.

(A lot of people were taught one way or the other, but it's actually a style
choice.) 

 

If you're following Associated Press style, you add just a lone apostrophe
after the S, but if you're following the Chicago Manual of Style, you add an

apostrophe and an S after Jones to make it possessive.   

 

It's Bridget Jones's Baby and not Bridget Jones' Baby because the studio
decided to go with Chicago style. 

 

Looking at the official name of the movie on the posters, it looks like the
filmmakers decided to go with Chicago style because her name is written
Jones's:

Bridget Jones's Baby. So that's the only reason it's Bridget Jones's Baby
and not Bridget Jones' Baby-the studio decided to go with Chicago style. 

 

That's your Quick and Dirty Tip: You can make names that end with S
possessive two different ways-with just an apostrophe or with an apostrophe
and another

S-it just depends on which style guide you follow, so be sure to look it up.


http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/why-it%E2%80%99s-bridget-
jones%E2%80%99s-not-jones%E2%80%99-baby 

 

Some punctuation changes.

"There, big boy, he said, patting the huge flying reptile's forehead gently.
"I wonder what it is like to soar high above the earth the way you do?"

Should be

"There, big boy," he said, patting the huge flying reptile's forehead
gently. "I wonder what it is like to soar high above the earth the way you
do."

 

An image of Adam sitting on its back appeared in Adams' mind.

Maybe in his mind.

 

"why not."  

The w needs to be capitalized, and there should be a question mark at the
end.

 

"don't be late," "you know how the veggies start to wilt if they aren't
eaten soon after picked."

There is an extra quote here.

 

It sounds like Eve made a fancy meal.

My favorite line is:

He tried to cough the piece up but it stuck in his throat creating a
permanent bulge on the front of his neck.

 

## Crossings

Marilyn

I like the way each stanza begins with a year. The fact that the dates don't
go in chronological order makes the reader stop to think about each
crossing. Each situation invokes a flood of images. When you mentioned the
months and your book, I knew why this seemed familiar but not.

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