[Critique Group 1] July critique from Marcia

[Marcia Wick]

Comments copied below and attached. I also attached a second document I
copied from a website regarding those pesky commas.

 

Marcia

 

Critique

 

Mary-Jo Laika

 

Punctuation:

Laika, a Good natured, eleven pound stray
Use hyphens and #11:

Laika, a Good-natured, 11-pound stray



I am not a poet and can't critique line breaks, cadence, patterns etc. but I
enjoyed your bringing this story to light.

 

Punctuation:

On that cold (delete comma)November  afternoon,
Laika, perky-eared (insert hyphen and delete comma) with tail wagging



Punctuation - combine into one sentence:

Trusting, eager to please, (change period to comma) 
Laika was unknowingly launched
into the unknown (delete period)
Where no man had gone or, (insert comma) at that time, would
be willing to go. (add period)

 

# # #

 

Urban Street Ballad Kevin

 

Consider rewording:

But unaccountably, whenever these not acknowledged warriors strolled by

try

But unaccountably, whenever these unacknowledged warriors strolled by

 

Punctuation:

And, (add comma)  of course, they did love him, (add comma)  too.

 

Substitute stronger word than "really":

Brother Kofi Sadiqi was really driven to play.

Try

Brother Kofi Sadiqi was itchy, driven to play.

Or:

Brother Kofi Sadiqi was truly driven to play.

 

Typo:

an almost griot among his people,

an almost riot among his people,

 

# # #

 

Well Wishing Cleora

 

Punctuation and rewording:

After nine years of marriage, Mary knew that the holidays were not a good
time to ask her husband for a favor. Especially one that would involve
letting her borrow the hunting lantern he got for Christmas to explore the
tunnel she had accidentally found behind the brick wall in the basement.

Try

After nine years of marriage, Mary knew that the holidays were the wrong (a
bad) time to ask her husband for a favor, (change period to comma) like
asking to borrow the hunting lantern he got for Christmas to explore the
tunnel she accidentally discovered (delete "had" passive and "found") behind
the brick wall in the basement earlier that day (the night before).

 

Unnecessary line breaks:

She massaged the pads of his feet gently and then each toe until she reached
the little toe. 

 

She looked up without raising her head. 

 

The small birthmark that disappeared when he was thinking or upset was
clearly visible. A sure sign he

 

Unnecessary word:

He shifted around in the recliner.

Try:

He shifted in the recliner.

 

Change period to comma or need initial cap:

"Umm, that's nice." more shifting. 

Or

"Umm, that's nice." More shifting. 

 

Need closing quote marks:

"I need something to light the way.

Try:

"I need something to light the way."

 

Insert comma:

She took a deep breath. "So I can use the lantern?"

She took a deep breath. "So, I can use the lantern?"

 

Nice action sequence; combine short sentence with paragraph:

There was a long pause. 

 

His eyes snapped open as he realized what she was asking. His foot jerked
out of her hand and he jumped up. The recliner slammed into the upright
position with a thud. 

Try:

There was a long pause. His eyes snapped open as he realized what she was
asking. His foot jerked out of her hand and he jumped up. The recliner
slammed into the upright position with a thud. 

 

Insert comma:

Just think a mystery in our own basement."

Try:

Just think, a mystery in our own basement."

 

Delete "a little" and change punctuation:

She stepped back a little staring up at him, then frowned down at the floor.

Try:

She stepped back, staring up at him and then frowning down at the floor.

 

More active:

She felt her eyes grow moist and turned away. Her shoulders slumped ever so
slightly.

Try:

Her eyes grew moist and her shoulders slumped  as she turned away.

 

Change tense:

She knew it would be a waste of time to shower,

Try:

She knew it was a waste of time to shower,

 

Avoid "went" being verb for something more active and descriptive:

She went higher, higher, higher.

Try:

She rose (or flew or drifted.)higher, higher, higher.

 

Unnecessary words "some" "almost":

Some stalagmites clustered together in the middle of the cavern had been
used to fashion seats around taller ones that served as tables overlooking a
pond that took up almost the entire back half of the cavern.

Try:

Stalagmites clustered in the middle of the cavern served as seating around
taller formations used as tables, overlooking a pond which filled half of
the cavern.

 

Delete "just":

Ray was just coming up beside her.

Try:

Ray strode up beside her.

Or:

Ray caught up with her.

 

# # #

 

Misadventures Deanna

 

Reword:

As we made our way along the next block, Mr. Boeke called out to turn into a
doorway to wait for the rain to let up a bit.  I had to ask why as I was
already so wet, there seemed no point in sheltering from the downpour. 

Try:

As we made our way along the next block, Mr. Boeke called out (insert "for
us") to turn into a doorway to (substitute "and" and "to") wait for the rain
to let up a bit (delete "a bit" redundant).  I had to ask (substitute
"asked") why, (insert comma)  as I was already so wet(substitute "drenched
and") , there seemed no point in sheltering from the downpour. 

 

Check definition of squelched:

When we returned to The Seeing Eye campus, we squelched out of the station
wagon and headed into 

Try:

When we returned to The Seeing Eye campus, we skwooshed out of the station
wagon and headed into 

 

Reword 

Dripping a puddle from my drenched clothes and hair on the floor, I wondered
how I would get myself dried after using up both Tammy's dog towel and my
own drying her. 

Try:

Dripping from my drenched clothes and hair, I wondered how I would get dry
(not dried?) after using both Tammy's towel and my own to dry her. 

 

Tense:

I was to learn

Try:

I learned.

 

Reword:

If it wasn't raining any longer, when I took her out to relieve her, she
dashed back and forth splashing through the deepest puddles she could find
requiring me to dry her, when we went back inside the building!  

 

Try:

Although it wasn't raining any longer (delete comma) when I took her out to
relieve her, she dashed back and forth splashing through the deepest puddles
she could find angling for me to dry her (delete comma) again when we went
back inside (delete "the building")!  

 

Reword:

This ability to pattern and locate familiar places was one of the added
pluses for me in using a dog guide.  

try:

Her ability to pattern and locate familiar places for me was one of many
pluses in using a dog guide. 

 

Add quotes:

I could then say good girl and either turn in or say no and we sailed on by.


 

Try:

I could then say "good girl" and (delete "either") turn in, or say "no" and
(delete "we") sail on by.  

 

 

Insert comma:

students, even young ones with

try:

students, even young ones, with

 

delete "just":

mentally deficient just because you

try:

mentally deficient because you

 

change "is" to "may":

a blind person is either perceived as super humanly remarkable or

try:

a blind person may be (delete "either") perceived as super humanly
remarkable or

 

delete "so":

It was so refreshing

Try:

It was refreshing

 

Reword:

I felt that I was being treated as an adult and full participant in forming
the partnership that a good dog guide and handler must be to be effective as
a team.  

Try:

I was treated as an adult and full participant in the partnership, enabling
us to be a more effective team.

 

Delete "human":

the human spirit of a blind person. 

Try:

the spirit of a blind person. 

 

Confusing time reference:

In this last summer before entering college, my hair was

Try:

That summer before entering college, my hair was

 

Insert commas:

            Mr. Frank wasn't the first person nor would he be the last I
would encounter

Try:

            Mr. Frank wasn't the first person, nor would he be the last, I
would encounter

 

Reword:

Although my classmates were for the most part college bound students like
myself, training

Try:

Although my classmates were, for the most part, college bound (delete
"students" already said classmates and college) like me  (delete comma)
training

 

Delete "will":

Since no two dogs will have

Try:

Since no two dogs have

 

Delete "just":

avoid obstacles and just flowed smoothly

try:

avoid obstacles and (delete just?) floated smoothly

 

transition:

Tammy's excitement over our trips to town led

Try:

One day, Tammy's excitement over our trips to town led

 

Too many prepositions:

The door of the utility wagon we rode in on trips into Morristown stood
open. 

Try:

The door of the utility wagon we rode into Morristown stood open. 

 

Delete "ever":

I seldom ever needed to

Try:

I seldom needed to

 

Set off name with commas:

The other full instructor Mr. Arenas played a trick on two

Try:

The other full instructor, Mr. Arenas, played a trick on two

 

Probably need to explain:

out at park

 

reword:

She started off to lead me to

Try:

She started off, leading me to

Or:

She started leading me to

 

Don't use name:

Alan Dalton was

Try:

My classmate was

 

Transition:

The executive director invited us to his home for a

Try:

One evening, the executive director invited us to his home for a

 

Reword:

My serious quiet instructor surprised us with an imitation of a cat and
dogfight one evening so realistic, that several of us had to correct our
dogs for getting excited. 

Try:

One evening, my serious (insert "and usually") quiet instructor surprised us
with an imitation of a cat and dog fight (separate words) so realistic
(delete comma) that several of us had to correct our dogs for getting
excited. 

 

Rework with period or semicolon:

The lesson must have taken, because some years later

Try:

The lesson must have taken: some years later

Or:

The lesson must have taken. Some years later

 

 

 

 

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://bluegrasspals.com/pipermail/group1/attachments/20170724/a89beeee/attachment-0001.html>
-------------- next part --------------
A non-text attachment was scrubbed...
Name: Critique July Group 1.docx
Type: application/vnd.openxmlformats-officedocument.wordprocessingml.document
Size: 28392 bytes
Desc: not available
URL: <http://bluegrasspals.com/pipermail/group1/attachments/20170724/a89beeee/attachment-0002.docx>
-------------- next part --------------
A non-text attachment was scrubbed...
Name: Comma.docx
Type: application/vnd.openxmlformats-officedocument.wordprocessingml.document
Size: 23659 bytes
Desc: not available
URL: <http://bluegrasspals.com/pipermail/group1/attachments/20170724/a89beeee/attachment-0003.docx>