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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Comments copied below and attached. I also attached a second document I copied from a website regarding those pesky commas.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Marcia<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Georgia",serif'>Critique<o:p></o:p></span></p><div style='mso-element:para-border-div;border:none;border-bottom:double windowtext 6.75pt;padding:0in 0in 1.0pt 0in'><p class=MsoNormal style='border:none;padding:0in'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Georgia",serif'><o:p> </o:p></span></p></div><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Georgia",serif'>Mary-Jo Laika<o:p></o:p></span></p><div style='mso-element:para-border-div;border:none;border-bottom:double windowtext 6.75pt;padding:0in 0in 1.0pt 0in'><p class=MsoNormal style='border:none;padding:0in'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Georgia",serif'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='border:none;padding:0in'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Georgia",serif'>Punctuation:<o:p></o:p></span></p></div><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Georgia",serif'>Laika, a Good natured, eleven pound stray</span><b><span style='font-size:14.5pt;font-family:"Georgia",serif'><br></span></b>Use hyphens and #11:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Georgia",serif'>Laika, a Good-natured, 11-pound stray</span><b><span style='font-size:14.5pt;font-family:"Georgia",serif'><br><br></span></b><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I am not a poet and can’t critique line breaks, cadence, patterns etc. but I enjoyed your bringing this story to light.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Punctuation:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Georgia",serif'>On that cold (delete comma)November afternoon,<br>Laika, perky-eared (insert hyphen and delete comma) with tail wagging<br><br></span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Punctuation – combine into one sentence:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Georgia",serif'>Trusting, eager to please, (change period to comma) <br>Laika was unknowingly launched<br>into the unknown (delete period)<br>Where no man had gone or, (insert comma) at that time, would<br>be willing to go. (add period)<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Georgia",serif'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'># # #</span><span style='color:black'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Urban Street Ballad Kevin<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Consider rewording:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>But unaccountably, whenever these not acknowledged warriors strolled by<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>try<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>But unaccountably, whenever these unacknowledged warriors strolled by<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Punctuation:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>And, (add comma) of course, they did love him, (add comma) too.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Substitute stronger word than “really”:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Brother Kofi Sadiqi was really driven to play.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Brother Kofi Sadiqi was itchy, driven to play.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Or:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Brother Kofi Sadiqi was truly driven to play.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Typo:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>an almost griot among his people,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>an almost riot among his people,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText># # #<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Well Wishing Cleora<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Punctuation and rewording:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>After nine years of marriage, Mary knew that the holidays were not a good time to ask her husband for a favor. Especially one that would involve letting her borrow the hunting lantern he got for Christmas to explore the tunnel she had accidentally found behind the brick wall in the basement.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>After nine years of marriage, Mary knew that the holidays were the wrong (a bad) time to ask her husband for a favor, (change period to comma) like asking to borrow the hunting lantern he got for Christmas to explore the tunnel she accidentally discovered (delete “had” passive and “found”) behind the brick wall in the basement earlier that day (the night before).<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Unnecessary line breaks:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>She massaged the pads of his feet gently and then each toe until she reached the little toe. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>She looked up without raising her head. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>The small birthmark that disappeared when he was thinking or upset was clearly visible. A sure sign he<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Unnecessary word:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>He shifted around in the recliner.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>He shifted in the recliner.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Change period to comma or need initial cap:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>"Umm, that's nice." more shifting. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>"Umm, that's nice." More shifting. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Need closing quote marks:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>"I need something to light the way.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>"I need something to light the way.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Insert comma:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She took a deep breath. "So I can use the lantern?"<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She took a deep breath. "So, I can use the lantern?"<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Nice action sequence; combine short sentence with paragraph:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>There was a long pause. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>His eyes snapped open as he realized what she was asking. His foot jerked out of her hand and he jumped up. The recliner slammed into the upright position with a thud. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>There was a long pause. His eyes snapped open as he realized what she was asking. His foot jerked out of her hand and he jumped up. The recliner slammed into the upright position with a thud. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Just think a mystery in our own basement."<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Just think, a mystery in our own basement."<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “a little” and change punctuation:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She stepped back a little staring up at him, then frowned down at the floor.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She stepped back, staring up at him and then frowning down at the floor.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>More active:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>She felt her eyes grow moist and turned away. Her shoulders slumped ever so slightly.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Her eyes grew moist and her shoulders slumped as she turned away.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Change tense:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She knew it would be a waste of time to shower,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She knew it was a waste of time to shower,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Avoid “went” being verb for something more active and descriptive:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She went higher, higher, higher.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She rose (or flew or drifted…)higher, higher, higher.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Unnecessary words “some” “almost”:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Some stalagmites clustered together in the middle of the cavern had been used to fashion seats around taller ones that served as tables overlooking a pond that took up almost the entire back half of the cavern.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Stalagmites clustered in the middle of the cavern served as seating around taller formations used as tables, overlooking a pond which filled half of the cavern.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “just”:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Ray was just coming up beside her.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Ray strode up beside her.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Or:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Ray caught up with her.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText># # #<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Misadventures Deanna<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Reword:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>As we made our way along the next block, Mr. Boeke called out to turn into a doorway to wait for the rain to let up a bit. I had to ask why as I was already so wet, there seemed no point in sheltering from the downpour. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>As we made our way along the next block, Mr. Boeke called out (insert “for us”) to turn into a doorway to (substitute “and” and “to”) wait for the rain to let up a bit (delete “a bit” redundant). I had to ask (substitute “asked”) why, (insert comma) as I was already so wet(substitute “drenched and”) , there seemed no point in sheltering from the downpour. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Check definition of squelched:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>When we returned to The Seeing Eye campus, we squelched out of the station wagon and headed into <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>When we returned to The Seeing Eye campus, we skwooshed out of the station wagon and headed into <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Dripping a puddle from my drenched clothes and hair on the floor, I wondered how I would get myself dried after using up both Tammy’s dog towel and my own drying her. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Dripping from my drenched clothes and hair, I wondered how I would get dry (not dried?) after using both Tammy’s towel and my own to dry her. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Tense:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I was to learn<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I learned…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'>If it wasn’t raining any longer, when I took her out to relieve her, she dashed back and forth splashing through the deepest puddles she could find requiring me to dry her, when we went back inside the building! <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'>Although it wasn’t raining any longer (delete comma) when I took her out to relieve her, she dashed back and forth splashing through the deepest puddles she could find angling for me to dry her (delete comma) again when we went back inside (delete “the building”)! <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>This ability to pattern and locate familiar places was one of the added pluses for me in using a dog guide. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Her ability to pattern and locate familiar places for me was one of many pluses in using a dog guide. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Add quotes:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'>I could then say good girl and either turn in or say no and we sailed on by. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'>I could then say “good girl” and (delete “either”) turn in, or say “no” and (delete “we”) sail on by. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;line-height:200%'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>students, even young ones with<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>students, even young ones, with<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>delete “just”:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>mentally deficient just because you<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>mentally deficient because you<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>change “is” to “may”:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>a blind person is either perceived as super humanly remarkable or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>a blind person may be (delete “either”) perceived as super humanly remarkable or<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>delete “so”:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>It was so refreshing<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>It was refreshing<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'>I felt that I was being treated as an adult and full participant in forming the partnership that a good dog guide and handler must be to be effective as a team. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'>I was treated as an adult and full participant in the partnership, enabling us to be a more effective team.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “human”:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>the human spirit of a blind person. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>the spirit of a blind person. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Confusing time reference:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>In this last summer before entering college, my hair was<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>That summer before entering college, my hair was<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert commas:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal> Mr. Frank wasn’t the first person nor would he be the last I would encounter<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal> Mr. Frank wasn’t the first person, nor would he be the last, I would encounter<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Although my classmates were for the most part college bound students like myself, training<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Although my classmates were, for the most part, college bound (delete “students” already said classmates and college) like me (delete comma) training<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “will”:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Since no two dogs will have<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Since no two dogs have<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “just”:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>avoid obstacles and just flowed smoothly<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>avoid obstacles and (delete just?) floated smoothly<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>transition:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Tammy's excitement over our trips to town led<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>One day, Tammy's excitement over our trips to town led<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Too many prepositions:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>The door of the utility wagon we rode in on trips into Morristown stood open. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>The door of the utility wagon we rode into Morristown stood open. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “ever”:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I seldom ever needed to<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I seldom needed to<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Set off name with commas:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>The other full instructor Mr. Arenas played a trick on two<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>The other full instructor, Mr. Arenas, played a trick on two<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Probably need to explain:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>out at park<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>reword:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She started off to lead me to<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She started off, leading me to<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She started leading me to<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Don’t use name:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Alan Dalton was<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>My classmate was<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Transition:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>The executive director invited us to his home for a<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>One evening, the executive director invited us to his home for a<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>My serious quiet instructor surprised us with an imitation of a cat and dogfight one evening so realistic, that several of us had to correct our dogs for getting excited. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>One evening, my serious (insert “and usually”) quiet instructor surprised us with an imitation of a cat and dog fight (separate words) so realistic (delete comma) that several of us had to correct our dogs for getting excited. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Rework with period or semicolon:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>The lesson must have taken, because some years later<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>The lesson must have taken: some years later<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Or:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>The lesson must have taken. Some years later<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>