[Critique Group 1] Marcia's comments

[Marcia Wick]

My apologies for the late cancellation last night. I should have known
better than to think we could beat the traffic.

 

I am pasting my comments below. If something doesn't make sense, let me know
and I will attempt to clarify.

Marcia

 

Cleora John

 

Redundant "behind," non-specific "something":  John followed a few feet
behind. He left his motorcycle behind for fear it might rattle or squeak or
something and give his presents away.

Try:  John followed a few feet behind. He abandoned his motorcycle for fear
it might rattle or squeak, and give his presents away.

 

Break up actions:  Taking out his cell phone, he took pictures as he watched
them disappear into the opening and then walked back to the old building to
get his motorcycle.

Try:  He took pictures with his cell phone as they disappeared into the
opening. Pocketing the phone, he walked back to the old building to get his
motorcycle.

 

Insert comma:  At home he got a soft drink

Try:  At home, he got a soft drink

 

Punctuation:  "Oh," John chuckled. "No, I was just thinking about
something."

"Dad," he said, and paused. "Do you think it's right?: he paused again. "To
retire people when they have physical problems, I mean."

Try:  "Oh," John chuckled. "No, I was just thinking about something." After
a pause, he continued, "Dad, do you think it's right," he paused again, "to
retire people when they have physical problems? I mean."

 

Capitalize "w":  why should a person

Try:  Why should a person

 

Redundant "things":  "They used to do things like that in previous
centuries. They had things called hearing aids, glasses,  and even software
programs and things for people who were blind, and some really sophisticated

Try:  "They used to do things like that in previous centuries. They had
hearing aids, glasses,  and even software programs and devices for people
who were blind, and some really sophisticated technology.

 

Vocabulary not "little":  "There was a little chapter in the history book
about it.

Try:  "There was a Brief (or short) chapter in the history book about it.

 

unnecessary(where else would he follow him?):  "I guess so," said John
standing and following his father into the house.

Try:  "I guess so," said John standing and following his father.

 

 

Deanna Through Thick and Thin

 

Clarify:  U.S.O.  for those who don't know what it stands for

 

Insert comma:  He was sweet funny and kind. 

Try:  He was sweet, funny, and kind. 

 

Transition from previous topic:  As winter set in, a group trip was planned
for those living in the dorm to go up to Yosemite

Try:  Following Thanksgiving, a winter trip was planned  for those living in
the dorm to go up to Yosemite.

 

Avoid passive "received":  I was still finding it difficult to manage on my
sprained ankle received when Tammy bounded down the stairs to greet our
friend Curt. 

Try:  I was still finding it difficult to manage on the ankle I sprained
when Tammy bounded down the stairs to greet our friend Curt. 

 

New paragraph:  Tammy loved the snow.

 

Insert comma:  Best of all she

Try:  Best of all, she

 

Passive:  This made me wonder if

Try:  I wondered if

 

Reword to connect:  I missed all of the little family traditions that were a
part of how we celebrated the Christmas season.  My mother learned to make
tamales

Try:  I missed the family traditions that were part of celebrating the
Christmas season, like making my grandmother's tamales.

 

Unrelated/transition:  We strung popcorn and cranberries and lovingly
decorated a tiny pine complete with cones our dad cut in the woods.  I
couldn't help worrying about where my own family was and if they were safe. 

Try:  We strung popcorn and cranberries to lovingly decorate a tiny pine
complete with cones our dad cut in the woods.  This year, I couldn't help
worrying about where my own family was and if they were safe. 

 

Punctuation:  An English professor wanted me to plumb the depths of the
anger, bitterness and pain he was certain any blind person-Native
American-raised in poverty-- must feel toward life. 

Try:  An English professor wanted me to plumb the depths of the anger,
bitterness and pain he assumed a blind, Native American, impoverished  girl
must feel toward life. 

 

Passive:  I had a lot of time to spend getting to know Curt's family while
he worked out in the garage

Try:  I spent a lot of time getting to know Curt's family while he worked
out in the garage

 

Comma use:  The next day I asked Mrs. Sinclair, the dorm supervisor if I
could get a chain put on my door. 

Try:  The next day, I asked Mrs. Sinclair, the dorm supervisor, if I could
get a chain put on my door. 

 

Reword:  Someone who never spoke to me just stood watching me in the secure
knowledge that I couldn't identify him. 

Try:  Someone stood watching me without speaking, secure with the knowledge
that I couldn't identify him. 

 

Use quotes:  he kept asking what and so

Try:  he kept asking "what," and so

 

 

Sally Thicker than Water

Very poignant

Should poem have only one blank line between stanzas?

 

Mary-Jo The Letter M

Cute idea

Should Question mark be a period:  keeping us inside with Hands curled
around  mugs of hot coco?

Might not work for the rhythm of the poem but "normally" don't separate have
and been:  would have never been

Try:  would never have been or never would have been

 

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