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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>My apologies for the late cancellation last night. I should have known better than to think we could beat the traffic…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I am pasting my comments below. If something doesn’t make sense, let me know and I will attempt to clarify.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Marcia<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora John<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Redundant “behind,” non-specific “something”: John followed a few feet behind. He left his motorcycle behind for fear it might rattle or squeak or something and give his presents away.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: John followed a few feet behind. He abandoned his motorcycle for fear it might rattle or squeak, and give his presents away.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Break up actions: Taking out his cell phone, he took pictures as he watched them disappear into the opening and then walked back to the old building to get his motorcycle.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: He took pictures with his cell phone as they disappeared into the opening. Pocketing the phone, he walked back to the old building to get his motorcycle.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: At home he got a soft drink<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: At home, he got a soft drink<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Punctuation: "Oh," John chuckled. "No, I was just thinking about something."<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>"Dad," he said, and paused. "Do you think it's right?: he paused again. “To retire people when they have physical problems, I mean."<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: "Oh," John chuckled. "No, I was just thinking about something.” After a pause, he continued, "Dad, do you think it's right,” he paused again, “to retire people when they have physical problems? I mean…”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Capitalize “w”: why should a person<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Why should a person<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Redundant “things”: "They used to do things like that in previous centuries. They had things called hearing aids, glasses, and even software programs and things for people who were blind, and some really sophisticated<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: "They used to do things like that in previous centuries. They had hearing aids, glasses, and even software programs and devices for people who were blind, and some really sophisticated technology.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Vocabulary not “little”: "There was a little chapter in the history book about it.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: "There was a Brief (or short) chapter in the history book about it.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>unnecessary(where else would he follow him?): "I guess so," said John standing and following his father into the house.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: "I guess so," said John standing and following his father.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna Through Thick and Thin<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Clarify: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>U.S.O. for those who don’t know what it stands for<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>He was sweet funny and kind. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: He was sweet, funny, and kind. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Transition from previous topic: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>As winter set in, a group trip was planned for those living in the dorm to go up to Yosemite<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: Following Thanksgiving, a winter trip was planned for those living in the dorm to go up to Yosemite.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Avoid passive “received”: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I was still finding it difficult to manage on my sprained ankle received when Tammy bounded down the stairs to greet our friend Curt. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: I was still finding it difficult to manage on the ankle I sprained when Tammy bounded down the stairs to greet our friend Curt. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>New paragraph: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Tammy loved the snow…<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Best of all she<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: Best of all, she<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Passive: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>This made me wonder if<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: I wondered if<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword to connect: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I missed all of the little family traditions that were a part of how we celebrated the Christmas season. My mother learned to make tamales<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: I missed the family traditions that were part of celebrating the Christmas season, like making my grandmother’s tamales…<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Unrelated/transition: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>We strung popcorn and cranberries and lovingly decorated a tiny pine complete with cones our dad cut in the woods. I couldn’t help worrying about where my own family was and if they were safe. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: We strung popcorn and cranberries to lovingly decorate a tiny pine complete with cones our dad cut in the woods. This year, I couldn’t help worrying about where my own family was and if they were safe. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Punctuation: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>An English professor wanted me to plumb the depths of the anger, bitterness and pain he was certain any blind person—Native American—raised in poverty-- must feel toward life. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: An English professor wanted me to plumb the depths of the anger, bitterness and pain he assumed a blind, Native American, impoverished girl must feel toward life. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Passive: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I had a lot of time to spend getting to know Curt’s family while he worked out in the garage<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: I spent a lot of time getting to know Curt’s family while he worked out in the garage<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Comma use: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>The next day I asked Mrs. Sinclair, the dorm supervisor if I could get a chain put on my door. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: The next day, I asked Mrs. Sinclair, the dorm supervisor, if I could get a chain put on my door. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Someone who never spoke to me just stood watching me in the secure knowledge that I couldn’t identify him. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: Someone stood watching me without speaking, secure with the knowledge that I couldn’t identify him. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use quotes: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>he kept asking what and so<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>he kept asking “what,” and so<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Sally Thicker than Water<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Very poignant<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Should poem have only one blank line between stanzas?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Mary-Jo The Letter M<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cute idea<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Should Question mark be a period: keeping us inside with Hands curled around mugs of hot coco?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Might not work for the rhythm of the poem but “normally” don’t separate have and been: would have never been<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: would never have been or never would have been<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>