[Critique Group 1] Mary-Jo's comments for tonight

[Mary-Jo Lord]

Hi,

 

I'm sorry I won't be able to make it tonight. My cousin is here from out of
town.

 

Here are my comments.

 

December 2017 comments

 

## THICKER THAN WATER

Sally

 

How did the toddler gazing

With wonder at Santa Claus

In a treasured photograph

Become an old man himself?

I love this stanza, and the contrast between the toddler and an old man. The
reference to the picture with Santa makes it real.

You might want to think about beginning the poem with this.

 

You demonstrate his love and kindness as a child. The next two stanzas
compare the question of life events that broke his heart, and then medical
heart problems. You end the poem showing his age, and your own sadness. 

 

I like this poem. My favorite phrase is Put his humpty dumpty heart together
again.

 

## Through Thick and Thin

Deanna

 

You covered a lot of time and many events in this chapter.

 

I liked seeing the interaction between Kurt's family and you. Tammy's
dislike of  the English instructor shows that she had good taste. Her pranks
were amusing.

 

You need a comma between sweet and funny in this sentence.

He was sweet funny and kind.    

 

I enjoyed this chapter.

 

## Caution

Marcia J. Wick, The Write Sisters

 

This is a humorous takeoff on adds for or fliers that accompany medications.


 

You have some lines with stray punctuation.

hepatitis B ,   A space before the comma.

loss of skin pigmentation ,   a space before the comma.

lymphoma ,   A space before the comma.

mental/mood changes ,   A space before the comma.

This might also read more smoothly if you removed and changed some effects
beginning with a or an. For example: an asthma attack: asthma  . a bladder
infection: bladder infections.

 

I think the ending brings us back to reality.

 

## John

Cleora

 

This was interesting to see life from John's perspective. The meaning of
retirement in this world that you have created is an interesting and
controversial topic. I wonder if John was bothered by the "retirement" of
Grandpa before he met Dejanna.

 

I enjoyed this chapter.

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