[Critique Group 1] my notes for the 11/29/17 session

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

[comments for Deanna
My copy had an "h" followed by a space in front of the title.
I think there should be commas before and after "after all" in Dogs, after all, 
I guess it is in the chapter where you went off to college, but Until now, I didn't realize your family was in the same town as the college. 
The word "panic" on the part of school administration is a good choice.
Their reaction is curious to me, lots of kids go long distances away from home when they go off to college. Many do this on purpose to get away from the proximity of parents.
I suppose there is some difference when the student is blind, But, then again. There is that little device called the telephone.
In the beginning of the piece, As I read, I am wondering  what having a guide dog has to do with anything.
To you, the dog is your companion and safety net. I think we already know this from previous chapters, so why the long reminder now?
Finally, at the end we get the picture when we learn of the family crisis.
Maybe some reason for why we are talking about the attributes of Tammy should be closer to the beginning.
If you don't want to give away the ending, maybe you could mention that the school was concerned about your ability to care for yourself at the beginning.

[comments for Marsha
You sent it early so I had a chance to read it several times over the last 3 weeks.
I count 5 stupid things. You are lucky to be with us to tell about it.
You might consider telling the story with dialog.
like the conversation at the shop that led to you going to the party.
Then the plans and lie to hide what your real plans are from your parents.
the conversation with the girls that were messing with you once you got to the party.
I think dialog would help the reader get involved with the story and experience your fear and confusion.
Typical unconvincing story for coming home late. Fortunately you didn't have to use it.
This is an example of how most if not all of us are lucky not to have been on the 6 o'clock news listed as missing last seen in the company of.
The intent is clear. people, especially young people do take stupid risks and then do not use good judgement to get out of them.
I think we all do something like this regardless of our age. Just as when we were young, we feel we know what we are doing and can handle the situation.
If you were close enough to walk home, was there a neighbor where you could have used the phone to call home?
Could you have gone back to the house and called home or even called home when you saw it was a bad place to be?
This is a case for the deal some parents make with their kids to call if they are ever in trouble.
This is a serious story with a message not to do something stupid like this. 
A good conclusion might be to work in suggestions for how not to get in this fix or, if in it, how to get out.
I think what it needs is a short conclusion offering possible smart things to do if you find yourself in a dangerous situation.
Now, with cell phones, a good plan is to always have your cell phone with you so you can call for help.
I'm confused about the silhouette of a dog looking up at you. Not sure if you are imagining or seeing the dog that came part way home with you, or are you suggesting your guard dog was a ghost dog of some kind.
Based on our discussion about strange happenings regarding animals, maybe you could have the dog helping you and later find out the dog helped you after it died.

[comments for Mary joe
The copy I received didn’t have a title
I thought of “procrastination” or “disinterest” or “apathy”
It is amusing. 
I can reflect. There is much I have to do but, what is the point. at my age, if it never gets done, will it really matter? Leave it for someone else to deal with. HA! they don’t' care either.

[comments for Sally
A personal journal or diary is a personal record of a day's experiences and thoughts.
The ones I have read are more like the writer is talking to herself.
Your October 21 entry reads more like a story or essay. 
Why would you explain to yourself why you are starting the journal on October 21
Maybe start with something like,
Next month I become a sixty-five year old baby boomer.
That seems strange to me. I don't feel any different than when I was 15.
Then reflect on the date being late October and remembering being able to see the fall colors and things and other things.
maybe even look down at Lawrence at your feet give him a pat and ask him what he thinks about being the subject of your journal
You are reflecting on the past not talking to a reader.
This makes me feel like I'm peeking into the life of the writer, seeing into her inner most thoughts, reading something personal and finding out who the writer really is.
I know you want to write this to help people. I read something a while back that talked about writing something like this in a way that is reflecting on your own experience rather than talking to the reader.
This lets the reader experience it through your eyes and then they may think to themselves, "I have felt or experienced that." In this way you help the reader by letting them identify with your experience.