[Critique Group 1] Marcia's November notes

[Marcia Wick]

Mary-Jo

 

Who or what is promising?:  I'll focus on the words of a song and
promise to make the dream fragments whole and
reveal their meaning

Later.

Try:  I'll focus on the words of a song that 
promise to make the dream fragments whole and
reveal their meaning

Later.

 

 

Cleora

More direct/stronger:  "I'm sure that if we can find the building mentioned
in the ancient manuscripts I've been translating, we can prove that there
was once a race of people with a sense called sight,"

Try:  "If we find the building mentioned in the ancient manuscripts, we can
prove that there was once a race of people with a sense called sight,"

 

POV:  . her mother was saying.

Try:  . she heard her mother saying.

 

Stronger:  I'm sure you will not be sorry."

Try:  You won't be sorry."

 

Reword:  brought D'Jonna's attention back to the moment at hand.  

Try:  caught D'Jonna's attention.  (or show her blink her eyes, jerk her
head, react in some way)

 

Unnecessary/redundant:  braked the vehicle to a stop.  

Try:  stopped the vehicle..or braked the vehicle.  

 

Delete "but":  But those were just childish tales.  

Try:  Those were just childish tales.  

 

Reword:  Suddenly, she realized she could no longer hear the research team
or any of their instruments.  Her stomach tightened.  "Had she lost them?"

Try:  Her stomach tightened when  she realized she could no longer hear the
research team or any of their instruments. Had she lost them?

 

Attribute:  Good.  They left the door open.

Try:  "Good, they left the door open," she thought.

 

Insert commas:  Straight ahead she could hear the chirp of a door marker.
Moving quickly toward it she stopped at the door and listened.

Try:  Straight ahead, she heard the chirp of a door marker.  Moving quickly
toward it, she stopped at the door and listened.

 

Incomplete sentence:  Only the entry marker and the door marker.  

Try:  Only the entry and door were marked.  

 

Used expression previously:  She felt her stomach tighten.  

Try:  Her heart raced.  

 

Redundant:  Suddenly, she heard a loud roaring sound coming rapidly toward
her.  She was almost grateful for the sound, but she had never heard
anything so loud and fast.  The sound seemed to pass through her skin and
vibrate her insides.  

Try:  She heard a deafening roar advancing on her.  She was grateful for the
noise, but she was forced to cover her ears.  The sound pass through her
skin and vibrated her insides.  

 

Delete "it":  "Was it one of the road monsters coming

Try:  "Was one of the road monsters coming

 

Redundant:  She heard the faint sound of a transport far away in the
distance.

Try:  She heard the faint sound of a transport in the distance.

 

Repeated word "realized":  Then she realized that if they found him they
would want to take him back to the community and study him and she realized
that no matter how wonderful it would be to be able to show off her
discovery, she didn't what that to happen to him.

Try:  She feared if they found him they would want to take him back to the
community and study him. She realized, no matter how wonderful it would be
to show off her discovery, she didn't what that to happen to him.

 

Deanna

Delete "can":  Most people can understand

Try:  Most people understand

 

Insert comma:  Through good times and bad the dog is the one constant in the
life of the blind handler. 

Try:  Through good times and bad, the dog is the one constant in the life of
the blind handler. 

 

Redundant:  She developed a large working vocabulary of words she understood
as commands. 

Try:  She developed a large working vocabulary of commands. 

 

Unnecessary comma:  I suppose my Uncle, who had decided to join me as a
student at Stanislaus could have been considered my guardian, but the
college administration didn't agree. 

Try:  I suppose my Uncle who had decided to join me as a student at
Stanislaus could have been considered my guardian, but the college
administration didn't agree. 

 

Insert comma:  When my father returned from Korea he had suffered a head
injury that caused him to have a tendency toward violence. 

Try:  When my father returned from Korea, he have a tendency toward violence
as the result of a head injury. 

 

Insert comma:  In his own way he looked out for my well-being. 

Try:  In his own way, he looked out for my well-being. 

 

Insert comma:  Sandy, one of the upperclassmen in the room next door asked
me home for Thanksgiving. 

Try:  Sandy, one of the upperclassmen in the room next door, asked me home
for Thanksgiving. 

 

Insert comma:  Through good times and bad the dog is the one constant in the
life of the blind handler. 

Try:  Through good times and bad, the dog is the one constant in the life of
the blind handler. 

 

Passive:  There was a serious discussion by the college administration of
placing me in foster care. 

Try:  The college administrators seriously discussed placing me in foster
care. 

 

 

Sally

Reword:  At first glance, it might appear odd to begin a journal chronicling
a year in my life with my guide dog Laurence in late October. However, I
have chosen to begin now for a number of reasons. 

Try:  At first glance, it might appear odd to begin a yearly journal in late
October, but what better time than the present to begin chronicling a year
in my life with my guide dog Laurence. However, I have chosen to begin now
for a number of reasons. 

 

Delete comma and use number for 65:  A baby-boomer, I have, until now
thought of sixty-five as old.

Try:  A baby-boomer, I have until now thought of 65 as old.

 

Clarify:  perhaps even more than she had adored Boise and Greta. 

Try:  perhaps even more than she had adored Boise and Greta, my first two
guide dogs. 

 

Redundant:  Still, she had learned early in life as a young woman surviving
bombs and deprivation in wartime England that life wasn't fair.t

try:  Still, she had learned as a young woman surviving bombs and
deprivation in wartime England that life wasn't fair.

 

Simplify:  

October is - or was, rather - my favorite month when I could see.

Try:  October was- my favorite month when I could see.

 

Hyphenate:  less than caring

Try:  less-than-caring

 

polio survivor 

try:  polio-survivor 

 

Watching both parents decline and die during the holiday season made
Thanksgiving and Christmas sad in the years ahead.

Try:  Thanksgiving and Christmas have been sad since watching both parents
decline and die during the holidays.

 

Insert comma:  Their deaths brought me closer to my own and make this season
an especially reflective one. 

Try:  Their deaths brought me closer to my own, and make this season an
especially reflective one. 

 

Punctuation:  So, while Laurence leads me literally through the year ahead,
I hope my reflections and discoveries will lead me - and you who are reading
this book -- to new insights and perspectives.

Try:  So, while Laurence leads me literally through the year ahead, I hope
my reflections and discoveries will lead me - and you who are reading this
book  -  to new insights and perspectives.

 

Delete "certainly":  While Laurence, as most guide dogs do for their
handlers, certainly acts as an icebreaker in social situations, blindness
can still be problematic while involved in activities with others.

Try:  While Laurence, as most guide dogs do for their handlers, acts as an
icebreaker in social situations, blindness can still cause problems when
involved in activities with others.

 

More than one pastor?:  With the pastors' approvals,

Try:  With the pastors' approval,

 

Present tense?:  I was a decent public speaker but didn't trust myself
without notes which I could no longer read.

Try:  I am a decent public speaker but don't trust myself without notes
which I can no longer see to read.

 

Word repetition "left":  Several attempts to learn Braille left me
frustrated because of spatial deficits from my stroke which left me with no
alternative but print notes in such situations.  

Try:  Several attempts to learn Braille left me frustrated because of
spatial deficits caused by my stroke, leaving me with no alternative but
print notes in such situations.  

 

Reword:  I have usually taken non-perishable food items to the church's food
cupboard, and the idea came to me of how Sandy and I - and even Laurence and
Pumpkin - could take part.

Try:  I often contribute non-perishable food items to the church's food
cupboard, so an idea came to me of how Sandy and I - and even Laurence and
Pumpkin - could take part.

 

 

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