[Critique Group 1] Marcia's edits for August

[Marcia Wick]

Mary-Jo Anonymous

 

Fun piece, can be read different ways. Did someone fancy you as mlammed up
or was he talking about someone else when you thought he was talking about
you? I kind of like not knowing.

 

Use a semicolon?:

I am not young, but would
like to be; am a woman,
could never be a lady.



 

Cleora A Pet for Becky

 

Reword for readers who don't know what an ID Mate is:

Becky was listening to the list of items in the memo of her ID Mate when she
heard the sound of scamp whistling in the background of one of the notes.

Try:

Becky was listening to an old recording (or audible memo) when she heard her
dear pet cockatiel scamp whistling in the background.

 

Preposition choice:

that died in July three years ago.

Try:

that had died three years before.

 

Reword:

At the time, she decided not to get another bird. She could no longer see
well enough to catch signs of illness in the bird and by the time her care
giver

Try:

At the time, she could no longer see well enough to catch signs of illness
in the bird. By the time her care giver.

(put "she decided not to get another bird" later)

 

Unnecessary dialogue:

That's nice," she said pushing the OFF button and laying the phone on the
bed.

Try:

She pushed the OFF button and laid the phone on the bed.

 

confusing, can she not walk?:

Later, Becky sat typing notes into her computer while her care giver slipped
on her socks and fastened her shoes.

 

Wording:

Sigh. "I don't know. I'll just have to deal with that when the time comes."

Try:

She let out her breath. "I don't know. I'll just have to deal with that when
the time comes."

 

Reword:

and a cloth collar like thing she could fasten around her neck

try:

and a cloth she could fasten around her neck like a collar.

 

wording:

"I don't know what to do," Becky said pleadingly.

Try:

Becky pleaded, "I don't know what to do."

 

Insert comma:

Back home she dug some

Try:

Back home, she dug some

 

Insert commas:

They were several years old and even though two of the packages had never
been opened Becky was not sure it would be ok to feed it to her bird.

Try:

They were several years old and, even though two of the packages had never
been opened, Becky was not sure it would be ok to feed it to her bird.

 

Are there more words besides "bird" or Cockatiel" for variety?

 

Dialogue should reveal new info, move story foreward:

"Yes, please."

Try:

Becky held her breath as the call was transferred.

 

No connection to the story:

The phone rang and she went to answer it. It was the garage calling to let
her know her car was fixed and they would be bringing it to her soon. She
gave him a credit card number, thanked him, and hung up.

 

Necessary to use Precise time?:

At 10:23am, Cindy called.

 

Wording:

She promised to call again tomorrow and they hung up.

Try:

She promised to call again the next day, and they hung up.

 

Ending:

Becky discovered, even without sight, she knew from her own experience that
she could care for her dear cockatiel.

 

 

Deanna We Are Two Against the World

 

Avoid "being" form of verb and delete comma:

It was amazing to me, how small a space my Tammy could occupy. 

Try:

It amazed me how small a space my Tammy could occupy. 

 

Delete "still" and commas:

I still hadn't learned yet, that as a good handler, I should always keep a
corner of my mind on my dog. 

Try:

I hadn't learned yet that as a good handler I should always keep a corner of
my mind on my dog. 

 

Delete comma:

Down the center aisle of the plane, at full gallop came my truant guide,
startling all the other passengers. 

Try:

Down the center aisle of the plane at full gallop came my truant guide,
startling all the other passengers. 

 

Word choice:

I didn't know the people, so was loathe to make a complaint

Try:

I didn't know the people, so was reluctant to make a complaint

 

Word?

If she thought I was about to bark a shin

Try:

If she thought I was about to bump a shin

 

Delete "always":

she always took vigorous exception to anyone she felt threatened me. 

Try:

she took vigorous exception to anyone she felt threatened me. 

 

Insert Transition: 

One day, My brother Rob and I pooled some money.

 

Confusing time jumps, try:

When Rob was four, he fell striking his head on a picket fence.  For nearly
a year, he lost the ability to speak.  I was beginning to lose vision
rapidly at about the same time.  Rob became accustomed to guiding me and I
became adept at guessing what he wanted to say.  We had a special bond, an
affinity for understanding each other's needs and feelings.  Now, Rob was
starting his senior year of high school, and I was about to embark on my
college career.  Leaving my close knit family behind.  

 

eword:

Outside the boundaries of family ties, I would be defined most often by my
disability instead of my character appearance or any other criteria. 

Try:

Outside family boundaries, I was defined more often by my disability than by
character, appearance or other criteria. 

 

Insert comma:

the one who could talk with him about books poetry and life.

Try:

the one who could talk with him about books, poetry and life.

 

, placement:

Within the circle of my family I was accepted loved and recognized as a
valued member of the group. 

Try:

Within the circle of my family, I was accepted, loved and recognized as a
valued member of the group. 

Or:

I was accepted, loved and valued within the circle of my family.

 

"who" vs. "that":

She insisted we use proper grammar and avoid using slang or obscenity
because she felt that people judged those that did as ignorant.

Try:

She insisted we use proper grammar and avoid using slang or obscenity
because she felt that people judged those who did as ignorant.

 

 

Kevin Trading Aunt Sally

 

Reword metaphor:

With the speeding motion of runaway word boulder's drawn by the gravity of
downhill momentum, newsworthy accounts can often go spinning a wild
careening route through the community at large. It can go bouncing from
teller to teller, changing shape and color with each contact of the randomly
encountered personality. 

Try:

Like runaway boulder's speeding downhill, newsworthy accounts can often go
spinning a wild careening route through the community at large. They can go
bouncing from teller to teller, changing shape and color with each contact
and random personality encountered. 

 

Reword popular and favorite redundant:

I first heard this story during an introduction to the popular local
homemade favorite beverage.

Try:

I first heard this story during my introduction to the local favorite (or
popular) homemade beverage.

 

spelling without one word:

and even weeks with out speaking

try:

and even weeks without speaking

 

Confusing meaning?:

Similarly and contrasting, Stuttering Billy did sometimes stutter.

Which is it - the same or different?

 

Agreement:

His innocently performed antics brought much notice wherever he went and was
a constant source of curiosity.

Try:

His innocently performed antics brought much notice wherever he went and
were a constant source of curiosity.

 

Typo?:

It was rumored that `quite

 

Delete comma:

Even though, the facts probably rested somewhere firmly between two extremes
of reality, I just couldn't

Try:

Even though the facts probably rested somewhere firmly between two extremes
of reality, I just couldn't

 

Punctuation and redundancy firmly/securely:

I just couldn't rid my mind of late night TV, B movie images. Somber faced
acolytes of an ancient temple based faith. With hood shadowed eyes and
voluminous robes, they seem to float over the grass to the front gate,
firmly taking committed ones securely by the hand.

Try:

I just couldn't rid my mind of late night TV and B movie images. Somber
faced acolytes of an ancient temple based faith With hood shadowed eyes and
voluminous robes seem to float over the grass to the front gate, firmly
taking committed ones by the hand.

 

 

 

 

 

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