<html xmlns:v="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:vml" xmlns:o="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" xmlns:w="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:word" xmlns:m="http://schemas.microsoft.com/office/2004/12/omml" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/TR/REC-html40"><head><meta http-equiv=Content-Type content="text/html; charset=us-ascii"><meta name=Generator content="Microsoft Word 15 (filtered medium)"><style><!--
/* Font Definitions */
@font-face
{font-family:"Cambria Math";
panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4;}
@font-face
{font-family:Calibri;
panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4;}
/* Style Definitions */
p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal
{margin:0in;
margin-bottom:.0001pt;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;}
a:link, span.MsoHyperlink
{mso-style-priority:99;
color:#0563C1;
text-decoration:underline;}
a:visited, span.MsoHyperlinkFollowed
{mso-style-priority:99;
color:#954F72;
text-decoration:underline;}
p.MsoPlainText, li.MsoPlainText, div.MsoPlainText
{mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-link:"Plain Text Char";
margin:0in;
margin-bottom:.0001pt;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;}
span.EmailStyle17
{mso-style-type:personal-compose;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
color:windowtext;}
span.PlainTextChar
{mso-style-name:"Plain Text Char";
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-link:"Plain Text";
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;}
.MsoChpDefault
{mso-style-type:export-only;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;}
@page WordSection1
{size:8.5in 11.0in;
margin:1.0in 1.0in 1.0in 1.0in;}
div.WordSection1
{page:WordSection1;}
--></style><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:shapedefaults v:ext="edit" spidmax="1026" />
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:shapelayout v:ext="edit">
<o:idmap v:ext="edit" data="1" />
</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Mary-Jo Anonymous<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Fun piece, can be read different ways. Did someone fancy you as mlammed up or was he talking about someone else when you thought he was talking about you? I kind of like not knowing…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal align=center style='text-align:center'>Use a semicolon?:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I am not young, but would<br>like to be; am a woman,<br>could never be a lady.<br><br><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora A Pet for Becky<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword for readers who don’t know what an ID Mate is:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Becky was listening to the list of items in the memo of her ID Mate when she heard the sound of scamp whistling in the background of one of the notes.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Becky was listening to an old recording (or audible memo) when she heard her dear pet cockatiel scamp whistling in the background.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Preposition choice:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>that died in July three years ago.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>that had died three years before.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>At the time, she decided not to get another bird. She could no longer see well enough to catch signs of illness in the bird and by the time her care giver<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>At the time, she could no longer see well enough to catch signs of illness in the bird. By the time her care giver…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>(put “she decided not to get another bird” later)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Unnecessary dialogue:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>That's nice," she said pushing the OFF button and laying the phone on the bed.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>She pushed the OFF button and laid the phone on the bed.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>confusing, can she not walk?:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Later, Becky sat typing notes into her computer while her care giver slipped on her socks and fastened her shoes.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Wording:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Sigh. "I don't know. I'll just have to deal with that when the time comes."<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>She let out her breath. "I don't know. I'll just have to deal with that when the time comes."<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>and a cloth collar like thing she could fasten around her neck<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>and a cloth she could fasten around her neck like a collar…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>wording:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“I don’t know what to do," Becky said pleadingly.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Becky pleaded, “I don’t know what to do.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Back home she dug some<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Back home, she dug some<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert commas:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>They were several years old and even though two of the packages had never been opened Becky was not sure it would be ok to feed it to her bird.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>They were several years old and, even though two of the packages had never been opened, Becky was not sure it would be ok to feed it to her bird.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Are there more words besides “bird” or Cockatiel” for variety?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Dialogue should reveal new info, move story foreward:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>“Yes, please.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Becky held her breath as the call was transferred.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>No connection to the story:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>The phone rang and she went to answer it. It was the garage calling to let her know her car was fixed and they would be bringing it to her soon. She gave him a credit card number, thanked him, and hung up.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Necessary to use Precise time?:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>At 10:23am, Cindy called.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Wording:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She promised to call again tomorrow and they hung up.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>She promised to call again the next day, and they hung up.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Ending:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Becky discovered, even without sight, she knew from her own experience that she could care for her dear cockatiel.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna We Are Two Against the World<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Avoid “being” form of verb and delete comma:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>It was amazing to me, how small a space my Tammy could occupy. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>It amazed me how small a space my Tammy could occupy. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Delete “still” and commas:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I still hadn’t learned yet, that as a good handler, I should always keep a corner of my mind on my dog. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I hadn’t learned yet that as a good handler I should always keep a corner of my mind on my dog. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete comma:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Down the center aisle of the plane, at full gallop came my truant guide, startling all the other passengers. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Down the center aisle of the plane at full gallop came my truant guide, startling all the other passengers. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Word choice:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I didn’t know the people, so was loathe to make a complaint<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I didn’t know the people, so was reluctant to make a complaint<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Word?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>If she thought I was about to bark a shin<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>If she thought I was about to bump a shin<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Delete “always”:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>she always took vigorous exception to anyone she felt threatened me. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>she took vigorous exception to anyone she felt threatened me. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Insert Transition: <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>One day, My brother Rob and I pooled some money…<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Confusing time jumps, try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>When Rob was four, he fell striking his head on a picket fence. For nearly a year, he lost the ability to speak. I was beginning to lose vision rapidly at about the same time. Rob became accustomed to guiding me and I became adept at guessing what he wanted to say. We had a special bond, an affinity for understanding each other’s needs and feelings. Now, Rob was starting his senior year of high school, and I was about to embark on my college career. Leaving my close knit family behind. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>eword:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Outside the boundaries of family ties, I would be defined most often by my disability instead of my character appearance or any other criteria. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Outside family boundaries, I was defined more often by my disability than by character, appearance or other criteria. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>the one who could talk with him about books poetry and life.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>the one who could talk with him about books, poetry and life.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>, placement:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Within the circle of my family I was accepted loved and recognized as a valued member of the group. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Within the circle of my family, I was accepted, loved and recognized as a valued member of the group. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Or:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I was accepted, loved and valued within the circle of my family.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>“who” vs. “that”:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>She insisted we use proper grammar and avoid using slang or obscenity because she felt that people judged those that did as ignorant.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>She insisted we use proper grammar and avoid using slang or obscenity because she felt that people judged those who did as ignorant.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Kevin Trading Aunt Sally<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword metaphor:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'> With the speeding motion of runaway word boulder's drawn by the gravity of downhill momentum, newsworthy accounts can often go spinning a wild careening route through the community at large. It can go bouncing from teller to teller, changing shape and color with each contact of the randomly encountered personality. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Like runaway boulder's speeding downhill, newsworthy accounts can often go spinning a wild careening route through the community at large. They can go bouncing from teller to teller, changing shape and color with each contact and random personality encountered. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-family:"Times New Roman",serif'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword popular and favorite redundant:<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>I first heard this story during an introduction to the popular local homemade favorite beverage…<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>I first heard this story during my introduction to the local favorite (or popular) homemade beverage…<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>spelling without one word:<span style='font-family:"Times New Roman",serif'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>and even weeks with out speaking<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>try:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>and even weeks without speaking<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Confusing meaning?:<span style='font-family:"Times New Roman",serif'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Similarly and contrasting, Stuttering Billy did sometimes stutter.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Which is it – the same or different?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Agreement:<span style='font-family:"Times New Roman",serif'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>His innocently performed antics brought much notice wherever he went and was a constant source of curiosity.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>His innocently performed antics brought much notice wherever he went and were a constant source of curiosity.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Typo?:<span style='font-family:"Times New Roman",serif'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>It was rumored that `quite<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete comma:<span style='font-family:"Times New Roman",serif'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Even though, the facts probably rested somewhere firmly between two extremes of reality, I just couldn't<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Even though the facts probably rested somewhere firmly between two extremes of reality, I just couldn't<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Punctuation and redundancy firmly/securely:<span style='font-family:"Times New Roman",serif'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>I just couldn't rid my mind of late night TV, B movie images. Somber faced acolytes of an ancient temple based faith. With hood shadowed eyes and voluminous robes, they seem to float over the grass to the front gate, firmly taking committed ones securely by the hand.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try:<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>I just couldn't rid my mind of late night TV and B movie images. Somber faced acolytes of an ancient temple based faith With hood shadowed eyes and voluminous robes seem to float over the grass to the front gate, firmly taking committed ones by the hand.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-family:"Times New Roman",serif'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>