[Critique Group 1] my comments for the 7/19/17 critique session

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

Hi all;
bI was feeling bad about it taking me so long to send these but it looks like I may be the first one to send so maybe everyone else has been as tied up with other things as I have.
Either that, or I haven't gotten far enough in reading my mail.
Anyway, here they are.
I really appreciate these email backups. They are a great help when it takes a while before I can get back to revise the piece.

[comments for Kevin
piece The Saga Of Kofi
One thing about poetry is that it depends on the reader knowing something about the subject and it usually doesn't fill in many of the blanks.
I assume it follows the correct form, but I'm not a lover of poetry so I cannot comment on that.
I think it says what it is supposed to say, but without more information on where and when it has little meaning to those that are not familiar with the event.
It brought up memories of the police shootings and other violence that has been on the news, which, I suppose it was meant to do.

[comments for Mary joe
When I read it through the 2nd time I noticed details I didn't see the first read through.
I went out and searched for information about the incident.
missing 
other names curly, kudryavka, g, muttnik, zhuchka
As the piece stands now, I think it is a little misleading depending on what you want the reader to take away.
Bits of information that I feel might add to the piece
I think it would help to emphasize  that it was the Russians if you added that she was a stray Siberian husky born in Moscow. 
It would seem less harsh to mention that there was about a week of training and testing done to prepare her for the flight.
As the piece stands now, I got the impression they yanked her off the street took her home to play with some kids and then shoved her in a capsule and shot it off.
It would be a nice touch to mention that
several countries issued stamps honoring Laika in November , 1957
More details on the benefits of her flight would be a nice tribute to how the dog helped in making future space flights safer for people.
In 2002 details come out to show the cover-up on the part of the Russians as to how long the dog lived and how she died.
This kind of story invokes sorrow, as well as anger at the many injustices that happen every day on our planet.
It is very sad.
A few years ago I learned about people called pet psychics . Based on that, it is possible she knew what was planned. That doesn't change the fact she wasn't given a choice.

[comments for Marsha
I can relate to many of the references.
I think you captured the chaos of not being able to focus on one thing and get it done very well.
About half way through I began to wish for the end. But shortly after it picked up again. 
The second time I read through looking for the spot where I lost interest but didn't find it.
You might want to look over the half way point and see why interest might be lost.
There is quite a bit of repetition. But, I think that's part of what makes it work. I love the image of the comparison to a humming bird. The humming bird moving in and whatever they get out of the flower moving out moving to the next flower. I can just see that humming bird. Then there is something else going on. Then all of a sudden, we are a butterfly. Flitting from place to place. 
So, the repetition helps with the description of what is going on in the mind.
It seems like it went abruptly from one thing to another. And, again, I'm not sure that doesn't really add to the feeling of being working on something, almost getting into it, all of a sudden the mind is off on something else.
So, basically, I think it works pretty well.

[comments for Deanna
several times in the piece you mention how outsiders react to blind people and several times you mention how the instructor comes to your defense.
In a way, your instructor is exhibiting a similar prejudice as the rude people he is putting in their place. Neither thinks you can take care of yourself.
If you could work his intervention in so that the reader sees him in the same light you do, it would keep him from eventually beginning to look like the rude, , unfeeling, jerks he is confronting on your behalf.
There is a lot of good information here. 
I love these little pieces you are producing. While I think about whether or not to get a guide dog. this is kind of telling me and helping me understand how this works.
I was shocked when you told about the dog running you into something and the instructor was mad enough that he severely punished the dog and I notice the dog never did that again.
Again, he is showing you it is important to set aside your compassion and desire to be sweet and nice to the dog as a friend. this dog isn't a companion it is someone you have to rely on.
 And like the trick he played on you in switching the leashes and you didn't notice.
Once again, he is stepping up and showing you that you need to pay attention to your dog.
I like the dialog.
I like the description.
Now that I think about it again, there is a lot in the story about the instructor and how he helped you to learn to handle your dog.
Now, I'm thinking the piece is more about the instructor than you and the dog.